your holding me back without even trying to.

for once i actually learned something in school that i thought was interesting.

going back to my previous post on "perception"

perception is based on experiences, expectations, and environment. no wonder girls and guys see things so differently and its no wonder the way i view something, is completely opposite from others. i know i see life a whole lot differently than most. I've experienced enough to know...life must be lived in the moment, because you never know when it can all come crashing down. you can't expect the worst, just hope for the best. if i were to define our highschool in the dictionary it would probably sound something like this

"noun; a huge pool of hormones and confused adolescent's just trying to find themselves; a series of fake identities that cannot be identified now, but will eventually remain permanent in time"

yup, I think that just about sums it up.

but of course, I'm just one of them.

food for thought: although you may think its not true, EVERY SINGLE high school student is going through the same thing, we just all express it differently. i could tell you how i hide my self-consciousness, but then it wouldn't be hidden now would it?

someone once asked me if I could have anything, what would it be? well i think i finally have an answer: to have the confidence to not let other people affect how i feel and act. Seems simple enough right? wrong, i've been battling this war for a good 17 years, and self-conscious has won a good fight.

i can't wait to graduate.

gotta walk away, while there's still hope

i think its time...for me to finally be happy. hopefully, this doesn't turn out like the rest. but i have a good feeling about this one. i think i've finally moved on. i'm not going to get my hopes up, but at least i know, good can come to those who wait.

<3

everything....does happen for a reason. i am a strong believer in that, i try to learn the lesson out of every experience. even though when you look at it from the inside, it seems like nothing but mere scatterdness, these puzzle pieces that are your life, will eventually create a beautiful picture once everything comes together. just be patient and the work in progress will become a masterpiece.

this blank canvas of my future, will become a work of art.

you don't know me

adolescence.

the time that a child turns into a stranger. a time where all we are trying to do is find ourselves. in order to do so...we must display a different personality with the different groups we are in. its a fact of life. learned this in ap psych and found it fascinating how much it pertains to my life right now. i can't keep track of who is here for me right now and who is being fake. i realize that 10 years from now i will look back at my pictures and remember all the good times i've had, how close i was with my friends, and the stupid things we did. but now that i'm in the middle of it, all i can think about is how everyone has changed. how...in a year from now i'm not going to even recognize the people in the class of

'07. we will all move on with our lives and grow up...well some more than others. theres no instruction manual to life. if there is, mine must be in another language, because i'm confused. taking it one day at a time is best. it just makes me so mad that people will go off with someone who they think "is cooler or better" and then come running back. and because i'm a good friend, i'm always there for them. i guess its bc i'm guilty of such actions as well.

"everyone pretends to care until someone better comes along"

that quote is true. which is why i constantly repeat it... its just because we are..

yes,

adolescences.

trying to find ourselves, and in order to do so..got to experiment.

hopefully tonight is my escape, a little change of scenery..

if nothing else, i've got a banging dress :) ha

if right is leaving, id rather be wrong

just to make this extremely clear..this blog is directed towards no one specific at all. since there seems to be a mis-communication going on..not on my part..but there is one. no RHS student was harmed in the writing of this blog. this is just me...reflecting over my personal thoughts, so chill.

perception.

things are seen so differenlty between people. its funny but i've never believed more in the saying "what you don't know cant hurt you"than i do now. i know i've always said i'd rather know the truth so that i'm not being fooled and feel like an idiot when i actually find out the reality.....which everyone should know by now, the truth will eventually come out. no matter if it takes years or minutes..it will.

but lately...i've realized there are just certain things left unsaid.

i have thousands of things happening in my life right now and millions of things running through my head. i can't focus on one problem for more than a second before something else gets screwed up.

one thing i've noticed i've been missing lately: passion. where has my ambition gone?

i don't really know what has gotten into me, but i just don't really care anymore. i'm trying to be strong here. its all i can do.

its probably my surroundings that i'm just tired of. i need a new atmosphere. high school life is getting over rated. i can party..have fun, live in the moment, thats what i love about this time of my life. but the drama stuff, thats lame. grow up.. i don't even need to elaborate on that. its plain and simple.

the people who i truly care about..i've got their back. i'm pretty sure they've got mine too. you know, i was starting to underestimate my friends, but they made a serious come back in the past couple of days. don't mess with heather , shes got hoes. thats for sure.

a new chapter of my senior year began today, and i've never been so excited. this will either make or break the year. i'm ready.

so for all you blog readers out there...

know this.

you can only take it one day at time.

and it will eventually be ok...you just have to be patient.

ps thanks alex J. for my previous post..your the best.

everything's gonna be alright

heather,

you are seriously one of the most amazing girls in the whole world and i love you so much. i am here for you always. you have found your dream college, you have so many loyal friends by your side, and you have so much going for you. don't worry about a thing...we are going to go to TN and have such an awesome time and just escape from everything! so get ready...and please remember that you are so great in every way.

<3 you always,
al

p.s. just think about what i told you on friday during our bathroom break and get happy..it's for you and me babayyyy! ;)

so let it be...

i'm lost.

yea sure, what teenager isnt. but seriously, i'm at a loss of what i want to do with my future, how i want to finish my senior year, how i want to be remembered, who i can trust, who are my real friends..the list goes on.

i wish there was some sort of help guide to my life, because i could use some real instruction right now. i feel like every move i make tangles a bigger knot, but if i do nothing, i'm left behind. where do i step without making a mistake?

i'm tired of these highs and lows. i just want some steadiness.

as for boys, well i'm seriously considering just putting the whole dating scene on hold for a little bit, ha we'll see how long that lasts... (psh)

i'm just tired of making something out of nothing. yea ok so..i'm a little intimidated. sure there are the occasional hook ups and dates..but i'm just not satisfied by that anymore. its time that i move onto something real. and i don't see any potential for that anywhere or anytime soon, i'm done getting hurt, or wasting my time with relationships that never work out. its getting old. sure i'm teen and dating is just what we do, your not ment to find "the one" right now, and i understand that. but it would just be nice to have someone there for a long while before things get so screwed up and i lose another friend.

i went to a college visit today...and i cant tell you how important it is for me to just escape. i can't stand being in high school anymore. there are so many restrictions, gossiping, lies, immaturity at its fineness, and its tiring. how can one damn summer change everyone so much? don't get me wrong, i've grown closer to some pretty amazing people this year, but at the same time i've lost a great loss as well. you can't have it all i guess. i just want to go off to college and not re-invent myself, because i like who i am now, but rid myself of the judgements made of me by people who only hear rumors and made their opinion of me based on other peoples opinions. that was kind of a run-on..but you get the generally idea. i do love my friends and i do love the fun times we have, and that will be the hardest part about leaving, but at the same time..its time to move on to bigger and better things. experience new people, new ideas, new activities. i've made the official decision today that i def. want to do a sorority, and i know i want to major in Art. this may all change but as of now...thats what i want to do.

i'm going to make my college life a memorable experience that i'll never forget.

so thats my reflections of the day.

???????

i hope i figure things out soon, because i'm tired of being in the dark about everything. i want all the pieces to fall together!! how did things get so complicated?

out of my mind

so when's it my turn to have happiness?

and to get what i want?

for once...i wish i could be selfish.

& for once..i want to do something without being judged for it.

but the funny thing is...that those things will never happen. at least not while i'm at RHS.

pretty short and simple.

"no matter which way you go..no matter which way you stay, you're out of my mind..out of my mind.. i was walking with a ghost, and i said please, please dont insist''

<3

break the silence

oh God.

so this is what happens when you lack no motivation to get up early to "primp" yourself and at least look decent enough to show your face at school oh & you lost pratically all your makeup for some reason and can't find it. yup. dress to impress? no thanks. not this week. baggy sweatshirts and jeans are the way to go. whatever, its only been rainy days anyway.

maybe tomorrow...

but when its all said and done, i guess this is just a foreshadowing for the fact that swim season starts in 2 weeks and i will look like this all the time,

hmmm can't wait for the freezing cold water at 5am & the lovely band aids at the bottom of every lane. oh the joys of being a swimmer.

i guess i just thought i'd pick a week where its ok to be lazy. so here i am, in bed ready to watch tv and go to sleep. psh the highlights of being a teenager, better enjoy it while it lasts.

before i know it, i'll have to let go of this egocentric idea that i portray as an adolescent and be responsible.

ha cant wait...

one day

so. last night i had a "family night". and i have to say, it was probably one of the most special moments i've had in such a while. my grandpa's cancer was supposedly taken care of until we have discovered recently that a new spot was found. and it hadn't really hit me until it was just my grandpa and i sitting by the bond fire that everyone grew tired of and left. now, my grandpa is a man of very few words, and never fully shows affection, i sat there just gazing into the glistening flames trying to take in the moment that here it was, just me and a man that is fighting one of the scariest battles of his life, and he's been in a war.. we just talked about his war stories, childhood in Ireland, and simple stuff like that. i tried my best to hold back my tears realizing, i may never have a moment like this again. and i almost missed it by being selfish and going out with my friends. thank God i got my priorities straight.

I've had my fair share of life obsticles to endure. i've probably been through more in the past 8 years than most people will go through in their entire lives. and you know what? i don't regret a single bit of it. if it wasn't for these life changing hindrinces, i probably would not be the strong person i am today. I think that because of what i've been through, i've matured a lot quicker than most people my age. i try not to let the little things get the best of me because life is way too short to be anything but happy. shit happens..move on. no offense ladies, but high school gossip, is so lame. start worrying about your own life, and stop talking about others. who knows, maybe you might learn something about yourself by taking the focus off of others. just a little advice.

you know oddly, i find myself in such a good place right now. completely content. life is good. i just have this feeling that something good is going to happen, i hope i'm right. can't wait to find out what it is.

<3

The Beauty & The Tragedy

looking at this picture...just simply puts an absolute smile on my face.

once again, i fulfilled my constant preaching of living in the moment. little did i know that somehow i was going to end up where i did last night, and i loved it. thats whats so amazing about not planning your next move, why worry about the future? although you think you can control what will happen next...you can't. things happen that altar your image of what you thought would be.

i know that i have been constantly dissapointed by planning out and anticipating what will become of my actions. hindrinces mutate expectations. so instead of planning on a future, live it.

and although i didn't realize it at the time, i've noticed now, that senior year is turning into one of my most memorable ones. junior year was a time that i took a complete turn and grew up. i learned a lot about who i really was and got to know the people around me. now, senior year, i'm living each day with optimism . of course there will be high points and low points, but in the end, it all works out because i'm a strong believer that every thing happens for a reason.

worrying about the future will only hold you back from probably the most memorable experiences that you could endure.

i have more to elaborate but due to the night i had last night, i'm ready to go to bed.

so i guess my final note is...

LIVE each moment, STOP worring about the future, DONT plan out your every move, DO make impulisive decisions, BE yourself/ real , NEVER hold back, FEAR nothing.

those simple things, will surely make for a senior year you will never forget.

let the good times roll...

"Another day, another sunrise

Washing over everything

In it’s time, love will be mine

The beauty and the tragedy"

my last goodbye

so today was absolutely beautiful. i forgot how much i love fall.

so with my creative ambition I took some photos (posted above, click each picture to see it close up), which i haven't done in suuuch a long time and it felt good to have a camera in my hand again.

i forgot how it was to see the world through a lens.

i have some ideas storming for photography, and i think that for once, i have the motivation to get it started. of course i will need help of others if anyone is interested in being in some pictures, i would appreciate it. i don't care who really, i could use all the help i can get.

finally, i'm focused.

its funny, but i found that i have changed in just 3 months to the point were i almost didn't recognize myself. i looked in the mirror and could only see a shadow of what i used to be. ive only changed for the better, making choices that i hope will only help me in the end (but it could potentially break me). i really like where i am at right now. and i believe that i have full understanding of what i really want, need, and who i really am. and not many people can say that about themselves.

and as i told angie: forever is never too long to wait for something perfect, so i'll be here, ready and waiting. i know that day will come where it will all fall into place.

<3

do you feel better now that she falls to the ground?

in the end of the week that started off extremely awful, everything turned out ok.

nothings back to normal, or is perfect.

but i finally feel like...no matter what, i've got great friends to back me up.

to be honest i think i acted like a complete crazy person this whole week, totally out of character for me. ( stress and lack of sleep does this to me and i'm sorry to everyone that i snapped at or questioned. but i'm good...for now )

my family will never be normal, so i can just accept that problem.

and as far as college stuff is concerned...i know i will get it all done. i just need some time.

in the end

it turns out ok.

and i'll just have to wait for it to be perfect.