i'm wide awake and thinking of you..

[Picture of the UN in Haiti May 2008 ]

its time i become more responsible.
i keep holding on to my past as if it has a place in my future, but thats just too unrealistic.
just as they have moved on, i need to too.

i'm unpacking my emotional baggage, ridding myself of skeletons in the closet, taking a deep breath....and a huge step forward.
the bigger picture is always blocked by my perspective in hopes of what could possibly be, rather than what will actually become.

i keep looking for the physical touch of arms wrapped around me with great strength to catch me when my undying strength goes weak...and causes me to fall. BUT its important to realize that i don't need the arms of protection, but the words of wisdom that surround me to encourage my heart to keep thriving.
i've decided its time to place my heart on hold for a little while. its had so much wear and tear...honestly i don't think i could handle anymore until proper recovery is taken care of.

there are a few things that i'm doing wrong. looking for answers...and looking for answers in all the wrong directions.
there are people out there that care a great deal about me.

why is it that we adore the ones that hurt us, and ignore and hurt the ones that adore us? is it because we like the challenge of wanting something you cant have?

My eyes are fully wide open into the big picture. i forgot the word faith. it seems to have slipped my perspective. i believe that everything happens for a reason, that we find what we want when we least expect it....and most of all....that love will find its way. even if it takes a little longer than we had planned.
its time i continue to move forward, and in time, the ones who care will soon follow and find a place in my present and future. with all these recent deaths that have occured at my school i kind of got taken back. appreciate this hour, minute, second of breath. its a gift of life, and it would be a shame to have wasted it. never look back and go "what if..". whats done is done...live a life of no regret. unfortunately despite the tragedies that i have had to control and endure, the world spins madly on. i've never been great at catching up, but its certainly time that changes.

there are certain chapters in my life that i have to close the door to, and even though its going to be extremely difficult, i know its right. i've read my signs, and they read loud and clear. i can't wait to see the day that the tears will go away.

i feel like i'm always saying with optimism that everything is going to be ok, but then life throws me another curve ball. if anyone wonders where my trust has gone, just think back on everything i've had to encounter within the past year.

so to repeat my most important point to myself: remember that love and fate will always find its way. please be patient heather, you haven't been forgotten.

i loved you once but needed protection

i lost myself somehow within the past, well i'd say, year. with good reason of course. it was my first year in college, new friends, new sorority, new home. it was a time of great change and discover in who i am.
rarely do i ever think about writing in here anymore. i haven't picked up a paint brush or camera in what seems like forever. my depth is filling up with distraction. i need to fix this...because i'm distancing myself from truth.
so now every tuesday for the rest of the summer i'm taking a mixed media art class. hopefully this will help me get back in touch with what i once could call my passion.

i've also realized that in all these blog entries i always write that due to my past relationships, and adventures i've gone through...i just don't know how to trust anyone anymore. but i'm wondering now if thats really what the issue is.

maybe the person i should be concerned about trusting.... is myself.
i can't trust myself to make the right decisions...because i always end up choosing a challenge that gets me hurt.
i can't trust myself to not get so emotionally attached.
i can't trust myself to make sure that nothing blurs "the big picture" for my future.

I am my own disaster.
i HATE when people look after me, but to be honest, i need those extra pair of eyes watching. naturally being the stubburn and independent person that i am, i never listen. but i need to start opening my ears to advice, because sometimes an outer perspective helps guide me down the right direction.
i just feel misunderstood, i'm so tired of others thinking they have me all so figured out. because i am unbelievably unpredictable and act out of character all the time. how else can you keep life interesting?

i make mistakes. and i come off well reserved but you couldn't possibly imagine the millions of thoughts running through my mind with one simple conversation.

honestly...i just think i'm beyond frustrated with all the predictability that everyone plays off. nothing suprises me anymore. i see through all the lies, but play off like i believe the bs thats being fed to me. i wish i was too naive to have it all figured out. because sometimes what you don't know....can't hurt you.


i'm ready to make some changes. start reading the signs that have been boldly placed in front of me. and be the person that is deep inside ready to be exposed.