"a wise girl.."

blogging in haiti.

well thats something different..

keep coming back..because i promise i'll have a good entry soon. I just don't have the time til i return home.

how can you just walk on by with out one tear in your, don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?

we are two people. all of us...we have an idea of who we are..but act completely different.

no one knows who i think about , what i truly think of them, what i'm truly feeling...
no one knows what songs remind of what memories...
no one knows where i left my trust..
no one knows where i left my heart...
no one knows what truly makes me happy...
why? because i don't let them.

we all have those quiet things that no one else knows. its a huge part of who you are and influences your future and present. these arn't secrets...but its a place in your mind that you repress to yourself and never allow anyone to see. its too sensitive.

i feel like my mouth is sealed shut...my hands tied behind my back..my eyes searching for the truth. trying so hard to be transluscent allowing myself to be exposed, but i just can't put myself in such a vulnerable situation. i have such depth, but i only allow others to see shallow waters.

what is it that i'm so scared of? this is unknown even to me. i have this wall around me to protect myself but i don't know what it is that i'm protecting myself from. yes i don't want to get hurt, but how to you know if your going to fall without leaping? there has to be someone out there strong enough to catch me. i've pushed away constantly leaving myself back right where i started. maybe i just have too high of standards...
is this how its always going to be? misunderstood..

so many questions.
now i just need my answers.

here i am..ready to be impressed. so whats it going to be?

just bend the pieces til they fit i

here is the day.
the time.
the moment...

in which i can make a wise decision for myself. where i can become invisible and back down...as if i never existed at all in the situation. prevent a break..and embrace a new possibility. yet...i'm held back. running in place and searching around for a sign...anything to guide me in the right direction. my fear? i'm going to ignore the obvious sign, choose to be rebellius..make a fall..and miss greatness. i'm always trying to make something work..because i can't leave something unfinished.

haunting and creeping..these memories replay..the words i shouldn't have heard or said. the experiences who they say...will only make me stronger and appreciate the good that comes in..but when will i recieve this gift? i don't know what it is that will satisfy the hunger of desire that lies within the lining of my hazel eyes. is it security, worth, or to be desired? maybe all of the above. i'm constantly searching for approval i don't need.

twisted feelings have taken over. im so grateful that this year...i'm actually going to get to enjoy my holiday season. i'm ready for the long break..but its going to be filled with so many important events...and emotional states i don't know if i'm ready to endure.

sooo...all of these blog entries have been so short. and lacking depth or any meaning. i guess its just thoughts on the top of my head. i'm tongue tied..one minute i'm ok with everything and the next i'm questioning myself. i don't know where this lack of confidence is coming in? but i'm locked up with no idea where the key is..and its near impossible to let anyone in...even though i truly want to. you take a step towards me...i take two steps back..although i really wish i had taken three steps closer.

to be honest i'm scared.i have a fear of reaching out and disconnected...i'm just looking for that hand to touch my shoulder and tell me its going to be ok. to be looked at with complete honesty.. tell me that i will make it through this all..to rid me of my blindness...and help guide me the right way.
but right now i'm nowhere near this.

this thanksgiving...i was greatful for the courage to walk through fear, strength to keep going, friends that have been there for a shoulder to lean on...the mistakes i have learned from....apologies i've accepted...and the moments that make life worth its greatness.

i can only take it one day at a time. and you know...i'm ok.

what you have been out there searching forever is in your hands

what we don't say with words...we scream in desire with our eyes.
we look...in all the wrong places for what we think we want. but honestly..do we consciously know what it is that we truly find interest in. I don't think we do until we find it. and once we have it we risk the unsatisfaction of the dead end to an endless search. words from another claims that we must put our needs and wants before satisfying someone elses.
one of my biggest fears is that i'll settle for what i can have... rather than striving for what i want. shouldn't we put up a fight for happiness?
what it is that holds us back is different for everyone. for me its the fear of getting hurt. i don't fall to prevent the crash. promises are then not broken and nor is my heart. i simply walk the other way...and have the question of "what if.." in the back of my mind blocking my perception into possibilities. the problem is i think too much...but not thinking enough is what directs you into the dark.
i just want to get one thing right. taking in reality is always an issue. facing the truth just doesn't come into existance anymore like it used too. maybe its because so much has happened over the past few years that i don't believe any of it really occured. i guess its become a blinding effect.. but i just can't sit around and dwell over the things i can't change. when the reality does officially settle in i accept it as it is. you can't keep yourself dragged down because then you miss the good right there in front of you. i guess i just feel a little lost right now..with a blurred road ahead. i can't tell the direction i am going in and its frustrating. I'm a go with the flow kind of person...but some hints would be appreciated.

i feel like its been so long since my eyes have glowed..i want something exciting to happen....a suprise or anything... the predictability and bad news just hit replay. i'm kind of over it. i want a true smile with meaning behind it. to feel special in some kind of way. but..i can't search for it..it'll just have to happen.

i could never be close enough

to ever just feel crowded? like the walls are coming in closer and closer...and people are more in your face. then there is that sudden relief of a deep breath. open your eyes and see the world for the beauty it really is. what a great weekend! i feel like this school and town are now officially my own...that i really belong. i love all my old and new friends and i couldn't ask God to bless me with a better life. I got to see all of my family as well which was so pleasent. Just sitting on the dock by the lake realizing that its the little things in life that put a smile across your face.
I realize that this happiness is blinded to the few things that are not going so well right now as well as a few adjustments i need to make, but i have to enjoy the good while i can.
I'm young..and a lot of life to live and i expect nothing less than giving it all i've got. The experiences i've endured and the places i have seen...how is that i am so lucky to have it all.
I feel like when we are searching for what we want or desire...we miss out on whats right infront of us. Its so obvious yet we are completed distracted to actually see it for what it truly could be.
I'm so excited about this fall weather, the anticipation to see friends and family on thanksgiving break, only 3 weeks worth of classes left, and the possibility to see pierre as soon as possible. so much to look forward too. no expectations needed, i know its going to all be amazing!

i realize that there is a lot i am missing out on, but my time will come. I just need to be patient and stop rushing a delicate future. Its going to come to me in an unexpected way. It will be ok, you just have to crawl through the bad so that you can walk through the good with the people who value the most!

<3

baby lets just get out of this town...if we leave tonight and go fast enough our troubles will be just like us...long gone

sufficating in mistakes....wrong words, wrong moves, wrong choices.
so i'm just going to stand still. not say anything and no pursueing. no more. i'm better than that. looking in all the wrong places for what it is i want. so im going to stop looking because i will miss whats right in front of me...i will miss the opportunities i've been given..my chances i need to take.

i take risks...


......or do i? i just don't want to becomes omeone i'm not....i'm growing up. and because of it my feelings are altering into something more than it used to be. i have so much to look forward to...so i'm putting my blinders on and looking straight ahead. i'm tired of subtle turns of the head to see who is still there behind me... the memories are becoming more dominant than the dream and this just can't happen in order to find the happiness in your life.



so i'm going to keep breathing and keep moving....

somethings' gotta give

why is it that when it rains it pours? when one thing goes bad...everything comes tumbling down behind it as if it was the stepping block holding it all up. no..this is ridiculous. in the beginning of the week i couldn't be happier and had so many events to look forward to...and now...now i wish i could go back.
i repeated history.. in a new form. when the hell am i going to learn? i am oblivious to the right vs wrong. i try to stand my ground because i know the result and this is what i get.
i always choose the path of temptation...its time to get my act together. learn responsibility...and grow up. i'm a spontanious person which is one thing i always liked about myself....but i'm not taking in the reality that there are consequences....live for yourself and not for others. i always felt that you'll regret the risks you never toook...but based on experience..i have regreted the risks i have taken.
i'm so tired that any hindrance i have encountered seems so much bigger than it should.




i have done numerous acts this week that have just caused me trouble by not thinking first...
what happened to my optimism? my confidence? if you find them let me know.

whenever i run, instead of running into the blue, i follow my heart

look at this photo. I took it when i was approaching the eiffel tower in the spring for the very first time. after a month of ups and downs i stood at the top of the tower and threw my problems away. told myself that this was a "moment" in which i need to remember that there are bigger things in life to look forward too, and dreams really can come true. I had dreamt of going to paris for years..the city of love and sophistication. a place that one day i hope i get to live even for just a little bit.

do you ever just wish you could just have a good cry...get everything out of your system.
i never cry around anyone...it just feels like a sign of weakness to me. I've always been told that i'm strong, classy, and a girl with her head on straight. thats the way i'm percieved...what if its not the way i feel?
if anything i feel weak, lost, confused, sloppy and in a desperate search for closure and escapes to get me through it all. I think this week/ month/ year has moved at such a fast pace..with me moving faster. and now as things are NOT slowing down, but catching up, the reality is hitting me, and it is hitting me hard. and although i'm trying to stand, i am on my knees crawling. i don't want help, i don't want sympathy...i want it to be ok. i want to go through a day where i'm not lazy to accomplish a goal, where my motivation is consistant, the outcomes worth the effort, and a desire satisfied. there is obviously no stability in life..you can never predict the outcome of another day. we obviously all have our problems, and its not to be weighted on a scale...because although they may not seem extreme in your existance, it can be in theirs. I go through phases of confidence to speak my mind...to say what i'm thinking...to say what i want. and then there are times where i open my mouth and nothing comes out, i search in my mind for an answer and i can't find one, where i feel vulnerable and exposed.
thats the word...exposed. its hard putting your thoughts out there when you never had a positive result. why would i repeat an act that leaves me in an out of comfort zone that has always gotten me hurt.
am i ruined? have i been trained to think that thats always the way its going to be? that there is not such thing as "forever". why go in for a temporary happiness that results in a longer upset. confidence is attractive to anyone...and over the years i'm decreasing it for so many reasons i can't even explain. or maybe its the increase confidence that i have for independence, because i obviously have a hard time letting anyone in...and trusting in them. there are very few arms that i feel will catch me when i fall..and are strong enough to carry my emotional baggage that follows behind.


i want an escape... lay out wrapped up in a blanket ...and search the stars for answers. pefect.

i'm wide awake and so alive

i want to do something spontanious. i want a moment.
do you know what i'm talking about?
its when you your doing something out of normal. with someone unexpected or someone close. you share a secret or two..or you might not talk at all. but in this "moment" you feel emotions and look back remembering the rush of doing out of the ordinary.
i read angie's blog and saw the comment on 2am star gazing...that was a "moment". shared with two close individuals all searching for our inner truth in the stars that lay above us as we lay in the middle of the active road.

looking over the atlanta lights with a close friend after eating sonic, skipping out on the high school football game because you just can't breath around those people anymore.

sitting on the back porch with your best friend of 4 years the night before graduation talking about the changes we are about to encounter and the bond we promise to keep forever.

the last dance on prom night...when you realize that in just that very moment you peaked at perfection and smile.

the summer we went running into the ocean with our clothes on when you finally got there...because you only live once and why not?

all these times were moments i can remember crystal clear...i can remember who i was with, what i was feeling, and what i was thinking. but i haven't had a "moment" in so long. and i think its due time for a good one. its what makes life worth living...and beautiful. i'm in over my head. i was thinking back on all the challenges i've ever had to endure in my past. all the tears, times of defeat and weakness, the times you just fall down and can't get back up...and i realized that i'm still alive and have come out on the otherside just fine. sure...i've got a couple scars that at times appear bolder, but in the end i'm a stronger person for it. these are battle wounds that cause fear on others. its a lot to live up to, and i don't think there are many out there that can handle it. i don't feel sorry for myself nor do i want anyone to do so...its life. you deal with the cards you have been given and move on. dwelling doesn't change it. so accept the facts you are given, cry if you need to, but realize that its a temporary step to satisfaction and relief.

i love those that are in my life in this moment..and i'm truly happy. no regrets, and no memories should be stronger than my dream ahead. keep moving forward, and those that are truly there for you will follow behind. leave the weak who can't keep up. and embrace the "moments".

don't blink

i figured i'd document me saying " in this very moment....life is so good and so is everyone in it"

of course this is minus all my family drama.

so lessons learned over the past week:
1.)never play games with a girl who can play better....i was a step ahead..and i'm not going to let myself fall into another trap with yet another boy. and for that...i couldn't be prouder! finally...a girl with her head on straight..and with enough experience to know the tricks, plays, and hidden secrets that blind you.
2.) those girls you always wished to be in high school..the ones who were undeniably popular...are not who you thought they were.
3.) what goes on the internet in some way...can be found. even if it is password protected. (hint see number 2)
4.) college...is so awesome and so is coffee
5.) i can't afford life...i'm a poor college student
and finally 6.) life is ment to be spontanious...but of course..i already knew that. :)

there is just so much to look forward to i'm overwhelmed....and nothing is stable..and you know what? i'm perfectly content with that! don't worry about what you can't control...its a waste of time. but...it is human nature.


now i have to write my 5 page paper thats due tomorrow. awesome?

stay beautiful

is it naive to believe that everything happens for a reason? to believe that we are lucky for the good and the bad, because without the bad there is no appreciation for the good. without difficult troubles we don't see the advantage in our blessings. to appreciate ourselves for who we are, and to not let anyone else change your opinion of yourself. because people come and go in one's life...but you have to take yourself with you anywhere and everywhere.

i guess i find it frustrating when i want to move forward...and i feel as if my body is there but my minds not. a friend of mine put it perfectly when she said that we have our past (the before) and we have the present (now)...and there is just space that grows in between of memories, mistakes, accomplishments, and people. that we don't move forward..space just grows between who we were...and who we are. well its difficult when you get lost along the way. don't get me wrong, its a part of growing up..realizing what you believe, what your personality consists of..and what you really do desire. but sometimes i want to be a step ahead...but im always a step behind. i think i have it all figured out..what i'm really feeling, what i want...and then instantly i hit reverse.

my audience has expanded in this blog. you know...i right what i'm feeling in the moment and move on. others read and linger with the thoughts. i don't feel like this is by any means deep...nor profound. its simply a truth others know..and feel. but just don't see because they don't write it out like i do. I'm a visual person so writing in my blog gives me perception of what is going on in my mind. because if i sit here long enough to write...the emotions run across the keyboard without any thought put into it. It feels natural...it feels right.

so in the moment...i have mixed emotions. feeling as if it is a due time for an escape...because i'm in over my head. and although i have a strong support system at home...i feel as if the ones that i was so close i could tell my world to..are slowly dissapearing as we all are growing up and growing a part. or maybe i just feel like i can't open up like i used to. maybe for right now..i need to hold it in until the right moment comes...i deal with it in my own way.

so here i am...in english class..suppose to be writing a paper on "innervoice of truth" and how i relate to the summer reading..and i'd rather sit here wasting away on facebook, stalling, passing time. that was our latest writing assignment and it relates perfectly. time is what we can't grasp or hold , yet it has the biggest impact on your life. It is what makes up your existance. and here i am..wasting it.

what doesn't kill me makes me stronger

figured i haven't done any photography in a while...so why not bust out the camera to distract myself. look through a lense on life..rather than see the reality through my own eyes.


is this really happening? the tightly woven future perspective now unraveling..where do we go from here?

are we falling or flying?

7:30am....Friday...October 5th
they took him.

the door bell rings..and no one realizing i'm awake...i hear the shreaks and screams of our biggest fear over the past 2 months. my dad, father-figure, the man who was always there for me even though i wasn't his own, the man who always sided with me, the man who knew how to make my mother happy, and with it a peaceful life....the father who accepted me and made me feel worth..is gone.
and once again this house turns to the original two that occupied it before. Two...the woman who has undeniable strength that the girl only hopes she can attain in the future. the two, who has been through more than you could ever imagine, and a long line of tears together and apart.
"please take care of your mother...she needs you right now"....the words that stream from his mouth...that gave me shivers because it was the exact words that cheated out of my brother 8 years ago when the divorce took place. a responsibility i feel i fail..because its hard to help someone and take care of someone who althought needs it, doesn't take it because of the shield of armor that coats her.
i would like to know...whats the point of hoping if your just going to be dissapointed. its a naive perspective in life...and has gotten me nowhere. please someon tell me...why look forward for the up...if your only going to be taken down. its a tease that leaves you in a dark madness. its a taste of what you can't have...its one more reason..to shed one more tear.
when life reaches a climax of perfection...of course its just natural for it to go down...but why should it have to? why can't there just be a stable line of happiness.
i'm tired of having to be the strong one...and feeling pathetic when i'm weak. i'm tired of getting a taste of the good...and left with the bad. it dangles there infront of me...up for grabs and as i reach they pull away.

hes gone.

nothing dims these stars

school is stressing me out. i feel like no matter how many hours i spend studying or working on homework...i don't get the outcome i hoped for. im tired of the pressure, i'm tired of stressing, i'm tired of getting no sleep, and i'm tired of being here.
I can't wait to go back to the familiar this weekend. Sleep in my own bed...then off to Georgia State to see my familiar friends. Even though i'm never here on weekends...i think thats a wise thing considering if i'm here to long i feel like i need out. Its hard sleeping in your working environment...and i'm over making first impressions every second i walk out my door. Sophees and a t-shirt is where its at. my wardrobe is consistantly the same, my car lonely during the week, my money sucking dry, food getting worse and sparse....welcome to college my friend.
This past weekend at UT for my swim meet reminded me of a time in my life i wish to never re-live. a time where i was walking in the dark striving for what i wanted but couldn't have. a time where i just wasn't understood and i felt that things were never going make me happy again. a time where i was famous for great escapes..and tennessee was my greatest one yet. then there was the lift...when i saw the light and never looked back to the dark.
well here i am...still in the light..reminded of the dark. and it just made me want to curl up...and wait for that comforting sound of the only voice that made me smile during this time. the only voice i wanted to hear...the only voice that made me feel worth. and now that i percieve it all from a different angle...it makes me realize what a journey i walked into. a journey that ruined a very important part of me...and for that i fully regret. i don't know what i'm going to do about it now..its too late and now all thats worse is the disappointement i'm going to cause to those who love me best when i finally get the courage to speak.
whats worse is that he may never know. and i may never recover.

the way i wrote this blog..is directed towards something that I myself...and only myself know. so don't think that you understand what i'm talking about because you don't. Although there is a reader out there its directed towards..the difficult part is even they don't know what im talking about. i don't even think they read this anymore. i probably don't even come across the mind..
this is a difficult thing to write about becuase i've never written about the consequences of the act before. fighting back the tears of something that may scar my future in an undesirable way. but this is a worry that has consumed me for about 5 or 6 months now...and, i , unfortunately i have to find a way to deal with it. its a smaller deal for me now..until i finally find out the real damage.


so here it is heather. your reality written across the computer screen. how are you going to handle it?

and i feel like i'm naked in front of a crowd because these words are my diary screaming outload

Beauty Meets Paris

The endless sky caged in by controlling hands
an easy life now complicated
smiles of individuals reverse to pain
and inviting side walks soon repel

decieving black eyes making it impossible
to find your way through a cobblestone walk
romantic air shot dead by criticism and hate

lies and deception embedded within the
mysterias black hair dominate the refreshed beginnings
one cannot look ahead, but can only regret going back

fashionable beings covered in rags
distasteful opinions destry the tower
perfection and peace altered to war
the criminating mind dominates with a fierce walk

foreign flowers curl with fear
familiar sun..sets in distrust
the ally's too small for narcasism
and what was once class...is now trash






its one of those days..where you just don't feel right.

i would have given you all of my heart, but theres someone who's torn it apart, and he's taken all that i had

timing is anything in everything.

and for me its all wrong. or is it just right? i'm so proud of myself for sticking to the priorites and not getting side tracked by the obvious distractions. there have been tears, laughter, regret, and moments i wish i could live over and over again. when i think back at my life...i really have no major regrets. and i'm so glad that each experience really has taught me to better myself the next time a similar situation comes my way. FINALLY i'm making decisions that are what I want...and not to please someone else. And it makes me happy..that its ok to say no. because if it doesn't work out on the otherside..that just wasn't ment to be an existance in your life to begin with. say it, live it, move on...all you can do is keep moving or you'll fall behind your life. try and catch up and make the best of your decisions...you can't change them..they are there to influence your past, present and future.


deal.

somewhere only we know

121 posts later where do i stand? what points have i proven..what messges have i put through...where have i inspired..where have i let down...where have i crushed another..where have i misguided


"to be fond of something is better than merely to know it, and to find joy in it is better than merely to be fond of it.."
confucious wisdom at its finest.
i would like to believe that rather than looking for our answers...we find joy in quetioning. where is the fun in the known? without the search..we have nothing to hold our interest. always hold a desire because when its gone..what do you have to find happiness in. i believe its the "what ifs" that keep our minds thinking. to find content in life is an accomplishment long deserved..and fortunately i have breached my breaking point and rockin the stability. there are things that could be better, there are letdowns, and points of confusion and total frustration...but without these moments of weakness...how do you balance out the good. its a slow process but i'm truly finding out who i am, what my flaws are and where i reach perfection. confidence building and insecurities permeating more and more. its a wierd feeling. my greatest accomplishment is the "letting go"...and its one of the greatest feelings. a wieght that dragged me down for 2 years...lifted and keeping me moving at life in a faster pace.
so i guess here is the main wonder..what is my desire?
i desire what i deserve. simple and plain..but so much meaning behind it all.

so where do i go from here? forward..with few glances back.

life is good...take advantage of your exhistance...don't let me down.

i'm holding on to you holding on to me

i can't complain.
i fully understand what i want...and certainly understand what i don't want. finally i have chosent the right for myself, i was able to say no... i feel like i'm always looking out for someone elses feelings and opinions hurting myself in the process. why? why should i have to suffer to please another.
because i wouldn't be me if i didn't. the thought of someone hating me...the thought of not pleasing another...destroys me. but you know what...thats life. not everyone is going to like you...and thats ok. all you need are those who do.
people's opinions of me used to consum my thoughts and now...as i walk through campus with my hair up, sophees and t-shirt and no care in the world....i realize i've never been happier by being comfortable...by being me. trying to find yourself, your comfort zone, your future, your place...this is all part of the college transition. there will be ups, there will be more downs..but all in all you are building yourself and not all aspects of it is going to be beautiful. all that matters is that you enjoy what you are givin and make the best of the pieces that may not all fit together. happiness is a truth that in time you will become a subject of.
i've never felt so free to decide my next move. its all up to me..and it feels so good. whats a girl to do? without expectations i am allowed to enjoy the next event and live in a moment...take it in and breath. its ok...it will all be ok. the downs are like vallys feeling as if it is impossible to get back on top...each step harder and harder until you hit flat land. but once you reach it are you really happy? or just satisfied. me..i'd rather keep climbing until i fully reach where it is i am so suppose be...where it is that i'm wanted, appreciated, happy, and not satisfied...but overwhelmed with new and fresh oversatisfaction.
so is this all making sense? good.

so i guess its safe to say..i'm not upset, sad, nor happy. i'm perfectly content...a little stressed because of school, but over all content with the unknown. where is the fun in knowing what will become? there will always be wants and desires...follow your desire. a qoute from my ethics class says "do all that you can to persevere in that which exceeds your perseverence. Persevere in the interruption. Seize in your being that which as seized and broken you". basically it means that although there are hindrances that will break you down...do not stop desiring or persueing, but keep going for what you want. because desire's never end and nor do satisfactions. aslo it says "do not give up on your desire, and desire rightly means that part of yourself that you do not know".
by giving up your returning to the ordinary...and errassing the effects of the unknown..but those effects will always remain. let them be nothing but a scratch...fix it and move on. keep...moving.

when the lights come on this whole place gets ugly

[photo by me from ashley mckinney's wedding 2007]
can't breath
can't think
can't control my emotions
can't feel
can't eat




sufficating and i need air.

why can't i ever just say no? i know what i want...i know the way it should go yet i still manage to get myself into the wrong situation. i'm so overwhelmed right now with everything i can't control any aspect of it. i feel like everything i look at isn't real anymore...where am i going? what is going on?

i just want to run and keep running...never look back. but i have no where to go

what i like about you!!

life likes to throw me curve balls.




expect the unexpected...be open minded to change..because you never know when its going to hit you.
God is looking out for me. and it was hard for me to see that in mixed blessings. With bad can come good, and although life may not be going the way you want...be patient because its just a transition to get you where you should be. Its hard to understand...but go with the flow. You'll get where you want to be...just takes time.



personally...i'm content with life right now. and i am fully understanding these bittersweet situations.


<3 short and sweet..to the point.

i'm holding on your rope got me 10 feet off the ground, and i'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound

my english paper..that left my classroom silent:

Split Mind
The moon had just taken its stand in the sky as I was watching the last bit of “I Love Lucy” right before bed. Being only nine, getting chance to stay up past dark was a treat. Right before my hand reached for the remote to turn off the TV, I heard my mom yelling my name. I slowly stepped into the living room from my which my mother had called me. I thought that I was in trouble or that maybe she had found the stain from the purple grape juice I had spilled over a week ago. The house that my family and I lived in had an awkward vibe over the past month, so whatever she was calling me in for I had hoped would clear the air. I peered into the room at the white L-shaped couch. We never went into this room unless we had company or were actually celebrating Christmas in our house as opposed to going up north to my grandparent’s. My mother blended into the couch with a pale figure that was stripped of color as if she had been laid out like a cotton sheet faded by the sun. Her arms were so skinny they looked hungry and her hands couldn’t stop trembling. This, I could tell, was much worse than my grape juice stain. This unfamiliar smell clouded the air. I looked over and saw a pack of cigarettes balancing on the armrest. I stared straight into her piercing hazel eyes searching for the truth she had caged in her mouth. Out of the corner of my eye I could see my 6’5 brother, who in this moment, looked smaller than ever. Instantly my stomach did five backhand springs. This was a moment that altered my childhood innocence into a perception of reality.
The only person missing from the room was my father. In a few seconds I knew I was about to find out why. The words divorce shot out like a pistol aiming for the family portrait. Going along as if you live a life of perfection, it’s a hard truth to swallow. There was no way that any part of my life would ever look, feel, or be the same. My eyes filled with water until they could not longer hold anymore; I stood there sobbing. We moved into my parent’s bedroom and laid on the bed staring at the ceiling trying to take in each minute that passed by making the facts that I discovered nothing but history. I felt was if I blind to the naked truth laid out in front of me and then suddenly someone guided me towards the correct vision.
Every child is memorized by another whom they admire their every move. Well I was a daddy’s girl and my father could do no wrong in my eyes. He and I would sit on the front porch and gaze at the stars while we watched planes go by wondering where their destination plans on being. Now to someone else this may seem simple enough, but to me it had great meaning. It was a moment where we were more than father and daughter; we were friends. When my mother told me that my dad had cheated on her, it was as if I was magnet repelling the opposite pole. I have just come across my hero’s weakness and have seen the ugly side that made it impossible to forgive. Not only has my family split but also I was no longer daddy’s little sidekick.
The discovery that your father isn’t perfect isn’t the only flaw that comes from divorce. You now have to learn how to split your life, split your time, and not take sides. I had to pack up everything I owned and move because the house creped of empty rooms that couldn’t always be occupied by just my mother and I. My brother had just moved off to college as soon as the divorce had come about. I learned quickly that my father was the wrong person to be admiring. The strength that my mother had embedded within her came out so strong. She and I built a bond that shall be everlasting. My father only lived fifteen minutes away but I soon became and inconvenience to him and my stepmother. The phone calls streamed through less and less. I would wait and watch the thick black phone that laid on the kitchen counter hoping that one day it would ring for me and that maybe this was all a misunderstanding. The first Christmas without my whole family together was the hardest and what was worse was there was no phone call from my dad. My heart sinking deeper and deeper throughout the day as the time crunched and still no word from the one person I admired the most at one time in my life. I felt has if this split has come straight down through my heart. The distancing feeling of being forgotten and not being good enough leaves a mark on each day of my past, present, and future.
The Divorce not only changed my life, my home, and my relationship with my dad, but it changed how I perceived each hindrance that has bombarded me along the way. This sense of power has taken over me. Experiences are there to help build our lives, mistakes are there to help us learn to do right, and the bad is there to make the good better. The day that my mother spoke the word divorce was the day my future shifted down an unidentifiable path. There is a feeling of betrayal that has left a scar on my heart that I hope someday will wear away. This moment that altered my life was only a small stepping block of many obstacles I am going to endure.




gotta love writing....

i'm the one who loves you best

living the good life. if i could plan exactly how my next 4 years of my life would go...it would be something like this:
easy college work, getting amazing grades while still managing to party every weekend. Frat parties, club with the girls or just hanging around town with the new friends i have made along the way. turning down all the boys because..please..they just arn't good enough for me. over the summer i study abroad in greece and italy...maybe stop in france because come on i just can't resist. While picking up a french lover who actually is moving to the US and we have fallen in love. not just any kind of love..but the mature kind. Next i move to san francisco (watch out lauren conrad..heather is making her way). now interning at the teen vogue in my couture dresses that i bought while i was living in new york for just 3 months. All the while being able to graduate college with my psychology degree with an art minor.


sounds simple enough right?
a girl can dream can't she?...but where do you draw the line between reality and the dream. who says that i can't make it happen? ok ok...i realize its a little out there BUT i can have my altered version of real. I keep settling for what i have rather than striving for what i want. I know what i like, what i want... but i don't have any of it yet...i need to start finding my truths, my answers, my future. but then again i don't want to be wasting my time looking while missing whats there in front of me. so how can i do both?

i don't like to be told what to do, i never ask for help...psh i'm starting to sound like ms.independent over here. I guess i hate the thought of having to rely on someone else to fill that missing piece, to take care of me. most likely it comes from having to depend on myself for so long...it just comes naturally. why trust someone to take care of me when easily they could suddenly not be there when you need them the most..its just easier to rely on me.

the words "take care of your mother for me" last week came pouring out of my step dads mouth and instantly i flashbacked to my dad saying the same thing 10 years ago. this kind of responsibility is always given to me because everyoone knows that i can take care of myself while multi tasking of taking care of others. i can't complain...would i be the same strong person i am today without all of what i've gone through and the responisbilities i'm always given? no...i would be weak and dependent.

so leave me be....don't worry.
i got this.

its too late to apologize

moments.
timing.
need.
want.
desire....

how do we get it right? you always here people say.."i'm waiting for the right moment.." what exactly is a right moment? why wait? ok so i guess i started off with too many questions.
but i'm just so...hopeless when it comes realizations. i know its ok to not know what you want...but i can't stand it. I like to know facts...know whats in front of me. but instead i stand in the middle of an empty road..look around me and can't seem to find a path that looks safe..desirable..comfortable..me. i hate that i think so much...i hate that i make a decision and immediately regret it. I can never stay in one place at one time..what is it going to take for me to stay?
but then who says i have to choose. i mean should it really be this hard? no probably not..i just make it more difficult.
so i'm probably confusing the hell out of you... but i mean..its not like i really understand what i'm writing about either. I looked at this blank page just ready to write and i'm not even really thinking about what i'm writing...just typing away. hoping that as my fingers move across the keyboard the answers will soon appear across my screen.
@#$%^&*()_(*&^%^&*()*
i just don't even know anymore

i'm tired of all of it..every single piece
WHY CAN'T IT JUST BE OK?!

i feel like i'm trying so hard at life..and failing constantly
see..there is my problem right there..i'm trying so hard

i faced a hard truth yesterday...and i'm having a hard time moving on with it...its time that i change

when you walk away, i count the steps that you take, can you see how much i need you right now?

i've never felt this way before. caught up in my emotions of the past, realizing all the mistakes i have made. The way i treated an individual, the way i went back to another, the way in which i handled every situation i've ever been in. I never thought about the consequences of my actions...just acted as if there were none. funny how life works in unexpected ways....always expect the unexpected...because nothing ever goes like you plan. I'm confused as to why an individual consumes my thoughts more than he did before...something that just caught my interest. Although i'm never alone..and i'm always busy doing something..sometimes you get lonely because of the unfamiliar. so how do i know this isn't why he suddenly takes over my thoughts? I am a girl who never wants to be caged in, who doesn't want to binded to one person...who wants to be a free spirit that doesn't have to be controlled...and because of it i can't do anything about these thoughts because that would mean a commitment i'm not willing to make.
Going home was much needed. I got to see everyone i wanted...and it made me realize that although i'm in this new place with new friends...i can always go home to the old. And that through the good and through the bad they are always there for me. I may get myself into sticky situations...which...come on guys..would i be me without getting myself into difficult situations from not thinking?! but i know that no matter the mistake...they help me through it and later on we are able to laugh about it.
Coming back to my dorm...i feel refreshed...ready to take on any challenge...to have fun..and make the best of every situation. I have so much going on the next few months...swim meets every weekend..trip to athens next weekend..and volleyball tournaments. So needless to say i have no time to consume myself with pointless worries. why worry about what you can't control?
I feel good about myself right now...i feel more confident...i feel free...and i hope all these feelings can last.
someone asked me everything i want to accomplish while i am still young..my list went something like this:
Sky dive, go in a hot air balloon, rock climb, see the world, fall in love, and go on a week hike through mountains...
we are still young and beautiful...it would be a shame to see this time pass me by without taking advantage of my youth. what is living without taking risks..without going for what you want. go for that one person you think you don't have a chance with..go for that job you don't htink your qualified for...reach high...because with greater risk comes a greater reward. who says i can't accomplish everything on my list? There are so many opportunites laid out infront of me...all i have to do is grab them...so whats it going to be? what am i going to accomplish in my life? i'm interested in finding out...and fear is not a word that should be embedded in my vocabulary.

i am better this way

driving down hick lanes..stormy weather...slippery roads...windshield wipers that don't work...no lights on the road...big trucks... nothing stopped me from coming home. the thought of staying one more night in my dorm just wasn't going to cut it. slowly seeing city lights as i was approaching atlanta..i could barely sit still. I've never been so happy to see my home town. Starting to see the familiar..knowing what back roads i could take..knowing where i am going. finally comfortable with my surroundings...i've never felt this way before.
i dumped all my stuff (mostly laundry that needed to be done) on the floor and just smiled. it was as if this sudden relief came over me.. i was home. and although it was as if i was a visiter in my own house, living out of a suitcase..it didn't matter. i finally felt welcomed..i knew everyone and everyone knew me. no first impressions, no work, free food, clean shower...and a bed i could call my own.
at school from the moment i walk out the door i have a switch turned on...and it never goes off until i hit the pillow to go to sleep. I'm always meeting new people, while of course forgetting every name, going to classes, doing homework, going out all night, and then getting up early to go to classes again. i can never catch a break...so to be sitting here in my own room with no one else to bother me or keep up at night..i feel relaxed. seeing all my friends makes me so home sick...the thought of going back makes my stomach do five back hand springs. don't get me wrong...i am having fun and i've met some amazing people...but it doesn't feel like its my life...it doesn't feel like its me. its all new...even though i know my room mate..its a new surrounding and light that you see them in. its difficult to find yourself...where you belong. ok so i guess i've only been there 3 weeks and i need to realize it will only get better..i its just my good friends that i miss and love and if you know me all too well then you know i have a hard time letting go of the old...yet i have no problem embracing the new. can't i have both?

so...despite all this college/home business...there is so much more on my mind..i don't even know where to begin.
so i guess i'll hold that off til the next blog...i don't have time to write it out now.

be strong..breath

so my favorite class is writing.. and today we had a 30 minute writing assignment and here is how it went. now remember i had to make it quick..and i never finished. but whatever

'' Perception is one of my favorite words. Anyone can lok at the same thing as the person next to them yet percieve their visions differently. To find that one who will win you over, body and soul, is a personal view. If I had to sescribe the one who would capture my interest, this individual would be anything but weak. The way in which i live my life requires someone who can keep up. Living spontatniously, jumping from one subject to the next and making mistakes left and right are how i consume my days. When I look into the eyes of this mysterious beholder i should feel as if my world has just been placed into safe hands. Don't lock me up or cage me in, but lookout for the steps i make because when i fall he should be there to catch me in arms that are strong enough to carry my emotional baggage.
Ther are many which i have encountered but none that fascinate my interest. I want that guy to keep me on my toes with suprises that i would graciously reward with an appreciative smile. This mate would stare at the stars with me and see in them the stability just as i do. The heart is a delicate object that should be guarded with all effort. When this fragile gift is broken it seems impossible to sew it up again. Old scars are slowly healing but he should quckly make them dissapear. This is a person who makes your reality better than the dreams that fill your head each night. Can't breath, can't think, but only can feel each moment together...."

ok i don't feel like elaborating because i have other stuff to do.

then she thinks about her life, pulls her hair back as she screams

so here i am week two of college...as its slowly coming to an end and the weekend is approaching i had some time to quickly replay all the events, letdowns, unexpected realizations, contact with random people, and well of course just life in general. School work now is much more enjoyable because everything i learn pertains to life of which i plan on living. sure there is the unecessary math class that teaches me formulas that i know i will never use...but then there is those that take a deeper look into what makes us humans act the way we do and why we do it. I''m a psychology major and as i progress forward i can see how this is the perfect direction for me to take. the road that i was taking had little direction and misguided maps...but i think that i have it right now and i couldn't be happier with my decision.
here is my thoughts right now...

happiness: utilitarianism: morals
heres my question- why can't we be content with what we have instead of searching for what makes us happy? with the advances in technology and in life...we have different things that we couldn't imagine living life without. there were those back then that considered happiness just the fact that they were alive. i don't think that 50 years ago people were upset because their ipod broke...what about the times we didn't even have our computers, ipods, cell phones...we were still content with life right? how do we know what we are missing out on..if we never have it to begin with? with greater gain comes greater loss. imagine getting a brand new diamond necklace...it makes you soo happy. but what about when you lose it...then comes the greater upset.
the good makes the bad worse..but it works both ways because the bad can make the good even greater. you have to take in consideration that when you recieve what makes you happy...are you willing to accept the consequences of when it is gone.
ok ok so your probably wondering why i bring this up..well its simple. this is basically why i never feel like i should recieve anything good...because to me i weigh my options and i always wonder what will happen when the good gets bad. am i willing to survive it? can i handle it? is it even worth it? whenever i feel like everything is heading in the right direction...something comes along a screws it up. this is why i no longer feel that expectations are worth a thought...and i'm slowly loosing my optimism. i long, i pray, i hope...and in the end i'm left where i didn't want to be. i'm so tired of letdowns, i'm so tired of disapointements...i'm so tired of not being able to be stabily happy. i look around and i feel like these people keep gettting everything i've ever wanted...and they don't even deserve it.. selfish? yeah i guess so. i am just wondering when its my turn.

experiences have built what morals we abide by today. i do what is right based on the hindrances i have conquered...i am as strong as i am now because of what i go through. it just makes me wonder what i'm doing wrong..do i not deserve the good things in life just like everyone else?

i hate this entry because its so pessimistic..and if you truly know me you also know that i am a silver lining person. but with one storm after another...its hard to see that glow i once called sun. maybe i'm just hoping for the wrong things. if it wasn't for the mistakes i have made, the times i've been through....i wouldn't have met all the amazing people that are in my life. i wouldn't be the person i am today. i'm just tired of being told by so many people that i'm amazing and deserve nothing less...if thats so true why i am i left...why am i getting anything but what you believe i deserve. i guess i just don't buy it anymore...you know what i think i need...an escape. now that is true heather talking right there. 10 years later i am still going to be the same free spirit i am today because i'm not going to let anyone cage me in..and i'm too stubburn to let anyone take care of me. when am i going to learn... i don't want anymore highs and lows...yes thats life..but please let me stand on top for a while long enough to enjoy it. i guess i'm just overwhelmed with everything in my life right now that this might not all be making sense. i'm simply venting...and if you followed this whole entry...ha i'm sorry.

i guess i should get some sleep...even though that also keeps getting harder and harder. i'm no longer looking for the answers to all my questions..instead i'm just going to float and let life guide me through the waves. they keep hitting me hard..so hopefully i will be in some smooth waters soon. but again..i doubt it. don't get me wrong..i love a life that keeps me on my feet..but maybe not so much in a negative way anymore.

i wanted to see something thats different, something you said would change in me

so here i am...in my new "home" trying to create my new "life". ...i've mentioned time and time again how i rid myself of expectations because there are only there for the let down. when life doesn't go the way you think it will...but yet is still good...your still somehow let down because its not what you had expected. making sense? good.
well college was nothing that i had put expectation on. but whos to say its bad? i've met some pretty awesome people...i've had some pretty amazing nights...my life has great potential. so why do i feel as if its a letdown? well...

although i've met new friends, had new experiences, and go home to a new bed...it doesn't feel like me anymore. i look in the mirror and see a whole other person.i learned that we look in the mirror to see what others see when they look at us. When i look at my reflection...what do i want people to see? it all goes back to my favorite word perception.
i miss my old friends way too much..and although my life is big enough for more people to be in it...i choose to be stubburn and hold on to the old. i feel empty...there is a hole in me waiting to be filled and for some reason i can't understand why. I don't live alone and i'm out everynight with different people..yet...i feel wierd. I understand this is a transition and it can only get better because hell...i'm in college. its suppose to be the best 4 years of my life...but rightnow i'm not impressed. I guess i just have a past with such a great reputation that its going to be hard for others to fulfill that status.

there is a lot to look forward to...so need to start listening to my own advice..stop looking back and enjoy the present with hope for the future. its going to be as great as i make it..and i plan on making it unforgetable.

we remember all the good times we've had together

my stomach is sinking..
my goodbyes are done...and all that is left is to move forward. i have no more tears left in me...no more. I need to start saying all my hellos...and let go of what has happened here in roswell. Time for new memories, as hard as it will be..new friends. but i know that through out all of the people i have said bye too..there are a bunch who are going to remain in my life for a long time. this is not the end...and i need to keep telling myself that. its time for a new chapter in my life..time to move forward.




let time..take me by the hand and guide me through.


here i go...

another turning point a fork stuck in the road, time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go..

these goodbyes are just getting harder and harder...


unfortunately it looks like there is one person who i wont be able to say bye to...whats worse is...i can see why...and he should just be honest with me. and it sucks because i had some important things to say... well...i tried i guess... and i hope you read this...because yeah...it kind of hurt me that you just ignored it.


tomorrow is going to be the worst for letting go....i'm so tired of all this depressing meetings to say bye. one more day...i'm kind of getting nervous.



this sucks. but at the same time...its so exciting!

never let a memory become stronger than the dream

i'm freaking out over here!

how can i be excited...when i have to go through all of these goodbyes.
how can i look forward...when i only want to stay put where i am at right here....right now...
how can i grow up....when i want to stay the same age with the same people.

now i can only take the memories and the pictures with me..but really i want to take my childhood innosence along with my friends.

i really didn't think it was going to be this hard...

and i really didn't think i was going to cry...because you give that one last hug knowing the next one just isn't going to be the same. and thats only if there is a next one..

and i know i say all this now...and in a few weeks i'll be ok. but this is just too much for me. i can't say goodbye anymore...so instead its a see you later. i need to stop crying because i'm leaving...but start smiling because i was there.
and it needs to hit me that...this isn't the end..its only the beginning!

oh no..here comes that sun again..that means another day without you my friend

(photos by me june 2007)

room 208. thats where its at.
so those pictures were from my trip up to the new school a while back. i am in such a confusing place right now. i'm exhausted by this week...and yet i find myself writing in here because although i'm so tired i could cry....i can't sleep. i looked back at the older blog entries from a couple months ago that i never put public. brought back all those emotions that i was feeling at the time.
this time next week....i will be sitting in my dorm room. far from family and close friends. although i have my lovely room mate and best friend with me..it will be an intimidating transition. i know i'm ready, and yet for some reason i question if i am. this is a bittersweet moment. i need to go forward...yet i want to hold back. I want to get the best 4 years of my life started..but i still want to hold on to the last 4. its a tug o war against my future and my past. and although the past is pulling strong at the moment...once i'm there on my own...the future will take over. i feel wieghted down and its impossible to lift my foot to keep walking, but in just a few weeks it will be so easy to move forward i could run. what am i going to make of myself? will i succeed? will my current friends be there when i return? or will they move on just like i am?

there are so many of us facing the reality of goodbye. but for me it just slapped me all of the sudden that this is it...i'm growing up. i'm leaving the past judgments, mistakes, and difficult times behind. but at the same time i'm loosing my innocence, amazing memories and great friends. but...the past is the past and i need to accept it as what it is. the real reality will hit me when i enter that empty white dorm room just ready to be personalized. its all so overwhelming and surreal. I'm not a high school student anymore...i'm on my own. now the real question is...how am i going to use this freedom?

my minds in your eyes, can your love embrace me as i am

i'm curious.

i'm stuck.


i'm tired.


i'm anxious


i'm nervous

i'm excited.


i'm hurt.

i'm confused.

i'm jealous.....


is it possible to feel all these emotions at once? probably because there are so many things on my mind at once.
don't worry..this is just the beginning to a very long blog...because i know i will get grief that this is so short.

there is beauty in the breakdown

"Unrequited love is love that is not reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired"
i'm pretty sure there are many of us who have been victims of this. if not love...at least like. it is the cruelest of all evils. Its as if someone has put a spell on you...and in an instant you would drop everything and change your whole day to work around your infatuation. I think this is weak...yet at a point in time i think i may have been a victim of this destruction. no...i know i was. it makes you feel worthless and pitiful. You kick yourself for being entranced over and over again because when you come out on the other side..your still alone. there are so many people in your life..yet you worry about one.
sad? maybe
wierd? possibly
painful? absolutely.
so your probably wondering why i'm writing about this..because no worries..i am under NO spell right now but from observation... i feel like it pertains to my last blog entry a tad bit. its called "letting go". 2 of the most difficult words to express. we all say that we wont do that bad habit anymore...yet we always do. thats simple enough...then there are the people. now whats interesting about this "unrequited love" is that despite how much that person may have hurt you, used you , and abused you....its always so easy to go back. you like having them there...because without them in your life you feel as if you serve no purpose and you still have those feelings for them whether they are returned or not.
am i getting too deep for anyone? this is the bold truth most people refuse to see. i've never realized how awful this really is. and what is worse are the ones who hold the hearts of another in their fragile hands...and all they do is crush it. and it makes you wonder how its so easy for them to do. for you to stand there out in the open and vulnerable...and they have no trouble running you over.

and there you lay...feeling smaller than ever.


ok..so haha there is food for thought. i hope none of us are ever victims of this cruelity, and those of you who hold the hearts of another..be gentle..its a fragile object.

so take the photographs and still frames in your mind

so this is it.
this is one of the moments where they say for a brief second time stands still, you take a look around and realize that when you come back to reality to take your next step...your surroudings change. its called transition. packing all my memories into a box, looking at all the photos of the amazing people and times that i've had these past years. I always talk about how ready i am to move on and get my college life started....but now that its here...i don't want to let go. friendships will never be the same, your past is the past and thats a hard piece to swollow. I need to accept it as what it was.. there are so many new memories to make..new friendships..new relationships..new opportunities. but i've never been one to accept change easily. Don't let the spontanious actions and shift in choices fool you. Honestly i think this is me writing in fear..so take a good look everyone...this is me at my weakest moment.
I feel like the walls are closing in on me. the pressures on...8 days left to take it all in. Then i will be in over my head. I know i'm strong enough to make it out to breath....Its just this last step thats been so difficult. letting go has never been my strong point though.
but im acting like this is the end...yet its only the beggining. I'm acting like i will be all alone..yet i'm going to be surrounded by a few old and new people...and i know there are those who will be here when i return.
so now that i've talked myself through this throughout the blog.... Im ready to take the leap into the unknown and difficult. this is an invitation long overdue to accept.
roswell has gotten to be too small of a town for me..so i'm ready to make my biggest escape yet.
i guess this is a short entry...but honestly right now school is all that is on my mind...well i guess that and a few other things.

i felt your hand through the darkest night

i decided to take a day off from the world... and i got lost in my past. taking advantage of the one day i decide to stay in..you know what i did? i cleaned...no not like cleaning up..i was cleaning out. I was getting rid of the skeletons in my closet and unpacking my emotional baggage..all of which i plan on not taking to school with me. ridding myself of the past so i could make room for the future. i came across the typical stuff like that shirt that you wanted to wear a long time ago..but now its out of style. or that one earring that was missing for so long that you got rid of the matching one.
but then you hit the jackpot with the love letters from your crush in 6th grade and the journal entry from that one night when my childhood innocense was lost....when i realized that the world wasn't perfect and niether was my family...that one night that to this day will always come back to haunt me.
needless to say, i was a busy person ... and i realized that within just 18 years...i have experienced more in my life than some may experience in their entire lifetime.
a friend stopped by yesterday and we had a good talk...but what i think i got out of it the most was the idea that we all have our own problems. its not a contest on who can feel more sorry for themselves..its not a way to make excuses for your actions...its something that helps to prove to others that despite what we go through..we are stronger. Every issue that has come our way has taught us a lesson, moral, or way to enhance ourselves. we have what i like to call "the quite things that no one else knows". putting on our mask and pretend that everything is ok when behind it we can barely be in the same room with ourself. I'm guilty of it myself...putting on my plastered fake smile around my dad..letting him think that i'm ok...when on the inside i am tearing him apart with my honesty.
perception is my favorite word and i've probably mentioned it more times than i should... but it amazes me how i could be looking at the exact same thing from the exact same spot as someone else..but not see the same vision. and i guess thats why so many people come to me for advice..because i give them a different perspective on whats infront of them.
but fortunately i was taught a lesson by someone recently that i need to keep in mind..and that i should've been told six months ago... stop looking for the answers or else you will miss whats in front of you. By waiting and searching you miss out on the present. and i need to keep that in my perspective.
I feel like this summer has hit its action packed climax..and this is the dull transition period til the conclusion. Well i am prepared to make it end with a bang. and i want to hang out with everyone..so i guess i better get started.

i'm not really pleased with this blog entry at all... but whatever i guess. its just been an interesting week, and i feel like i have been dishing out advice all week to so many people who wanted it, and don't get me wrong i looove doing it.. but now i feel like i need someone to talk to so i can have advice for me and oddly enough....the most random person came to mind.

far away i feel your beating heart.

i love it when i get ready to write a blog, having all my thoughts ready....and instantly my mind is as blank as this page.

what a beautiful smile

i guess i'm on a roll lately when it comes to my blog... guess there's just a lot to think about. so here it goes..


re·pres·sion [ri-presh-uhn] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. the act of repressing; state of being repressed.
2. Psychoanalysis. the rejection from consciousness of painful or disagreeable ideas, memories, feelings, or impulses.

being the pre-psychology major student that i am...it is bound to happen sooner or later that i incorporate what i have learned. well...repression is something i have been informed of earlier in the year. why does it come to mind all of the sudden? probably because of a break down i had with a friend last night that came out of no where. Little did i realize how much my father has an impact on me. I have all of this built up anger and hurt, and i've never come out and said all of what i feel to him..so i repress these thoughts until eventually my concious is aware of the unconcious. These "feelings" take over..and i just can't control them. We all have our own little family secrets, they are the quiet things that no one else knows. We as the children feel as if it is our obligation to fix them.And with this sense of obligation comes frustration and burdens that we take on...that we shouldn't because although we feel the obligation...they are not our problems to fix.
I finally understand what it is that keeps me from feeling appreciated from any guy...why i have such a grudge. Silly to think that a dad can impact your future relationships...but he does. I always felt as if i was never important or good enough to him, and so i have this need to assure myself that i'm good enough for any other guy...or friends. This isn't right at all. I shouldn't let people control how i feel about myself. I'm told over and over that i'm amazing and beautiful..yet it doesn't stick. until i can appreciate myself..it is difficult to realize that there are those who do appreciate me and what i do for them. What i do for people i do as an act of kindness...its not my obligation. But there are those who go out on a limb for me, and they also deserve this appreciation. I guess what has gone on with my dad...is a much bigger problem than i thought. Its a strange feeling to have your unconcious take over.
this is a blog entry mostly for myself...and probably difficult for some to relate too. But completely necessary to be written.

its just text book stuff, its in the ABC's of growing up

so i was kind of just glancing back at my old blog entries...kind of scanning through looking at what i had to say. I've had this blog for almost 2 years. this is my 95th entry. i've always noticed that there has been a change in me...but i never realized how dramatic it was.
Everyday changes you..so just imagine two years. Now i may have NOT matured in decisions i make..but i have matured on how i handle the consequences of all my choices. I am nothing close to who i was in the very first entry. you know that expression "if i had known then what i know now..." well... sure i guess that would prevent a lot of troubles but it also shifts your fate. Every choice, every direction you have taken...every person who has come into your life has directed to where you stand now. We are all human and we all have our regrets..but without the mistakes i have made how would i know what the right decision? i don't have a regret...because i am fine with where i am now. So how can i say that i want to change the past? I guess i'm just rambling.
I was looking at my college stuff and the reality of all the changes to come withen the next month kind of freaked me out. Don't get me wrong, i'm excited for it... just a little intimidated.

there's a lot more i want to write...but i think i will keep it to myself for now. they're just incomplete thoughts.

i tried my best to be guarded, i'm an open book instead

never have i had such difficulty trying to write a blog entry... it has taken me a week. it would certainly be an understatement to say that many things have happened within such a short amount of time. now the difficulty comes from the fact that i know all of the people that read this blog...sometimes its even about them, and sometimes its not. i never come out and say a problem or who i am talking about. frustrating for readers maybe...but for me its a possibility to write what i feel in a slanted perspective.
ah perspective...a word that has an endless amount of views and definitions. its one word no one sees in common. here i am sitting by the beach...some see this as a vacation..when i only saw it as an escape. running from the problems? never... i'm simply just running to an answer. at home i was sufficating..drowning and i really needed to get to the surface for some air! i think i might even be turning off my phone for the rest of the trip.. the down side is that i can go away, but i still have to take myself with me.
with perspective comes closure... something i always desire. well closure stumbled onto my driveway. telling me everything i've wanted to hear for so long. and all i did was listen...i had so much i've wanted to say when i had the opportunity but instead i stood silent. it also hit me that this whole time i was playing victim when i wasn't completely innocent either. i was the girl who kept going back...every single time temptation came my way.
well i've hit perspective and closure...lets try opportunities. in a lifetime we are all hit with endless options and moments where it comes down to a choice. sometimes its as simple as what we are going to wear for that hot date...or as big as what we desire for the future. i believe that it is best to live in the moment...taking each day hour by hour. why plan for the future...but let the future come to you. sure thats a very non-realistic way to live your life because without planning how will we get anywhere? but when it comes down to all the basic choices we must make...you have to take a leap of faith. you must take the initial step without being able to see the rest of the staircase. where you take yourself is only by the decisions you make for yourself. never change who you are or what you want to do with your life for another person. its ok to be selfish every now and then...just don't make it a habit.
ok go ahead and call me the naive girl who believes in fate.. everything does happen for a reason, and every opportunity that comes your way gives you a stepping stone. always make the best of every situation.... i have a few readers that know what its like not to live a life of perfection. those who have the struggle of keeping your family intact..because hell if we don't who will?? each obsticle, each challenge...they all make us stronger.
i must take with me those who care, and leave behind the ones that don't. The people who are there to catch you when you fall...they are the support that keep you strong. within just one week...i really now know all of the people that do take an interest in my happiness. Its a great feeling to know that as i am walking forward....they are right there behind me every step of the way.
this blog doesn't give the answers i have..this blog doesn't explain the situations i'm in... its only what has been building up in my mind as i have been able to finally breath and see. there is certainly more to come, because let's face it... my mind never stops going...and my life only gets more and more complicated...or else it just wouldn't be me!

dancing when the stars go blue

i guess a continuation...i'm a little tired so i don't know how this will turn out.
i have a confession...one of weakness. I am a girl who believes that the past is what has built me to be the stronger person i am today. I believe that my mistakes have taught me to do better next time. I am one who thought that ridding myself of expectations helped me take in the reality without being letdown. I let go of those who have hurt me...and embrace those who are always there for me. I... made the best of every situation thrown at me, with or without support.
my confession?
i have a fear of the future. The past is no mystery and is done. I understand it well. The present is what is...of course i feel comfort there. But the future? well...i am the only one who can control my own future and that scares me. its not that i don't trust myself...but there are so many opportunties and i want to take them all, and i can't. There are so many people that could possibly be in my life...and they all can't. There are so many mistakes i could make...but i wont.
I was all excited for college...and don't get me wrong..i still am. BUT its a change that i have been willing to make for so long that it will be surreal when it happens.

so i guess that was just rambling above.
i guess i'm just going to be in such mixed emotions come fall...tears to leave those behind, and excitement to get my life started. But my biggest concern is who will still be there when i come out the other side? who is it that thinks of my friendship as something worth saving?

i seriously need to stop thinking so much! for once....i want an escape..but i have someone in mind that i would like to take with me..

the broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight

my head is spinning...
i can't catch a moment when i'm not thinking about the past, present or future...so let me go in order.
past: well...i had flashbacks last night from those who i have seemed to have not stayed in touch with lately and it made me realize that although things are not the same as they were...it doesn't mean that it has to be bad. i need to not look back with such hurt or embaressment...but just remember that the past has gotten me to where i am now. (i figured out what blog entry you were talking about...i remember that i wrote that because i was really hurt and angry at you and i ddin't really understand why. probably because recently i had heard some rumors stir that crushed me and made me feel like you weren't the person i thought you were..and i was always waiting for you to prove everyone wrong, and to prove me right that you really are the guy i make you out to be...so i'm sorry for what i wrote, and i don't regret you or anything that happened. i hope you understand.)
present: is great....i have someone with me that knows how to put a smile on my face and keep it there. I'm having a great summer and i'm making amazing memories that i know i will look back at and realize that i was a person who took spontanious action and made the best out of every situation.
future: this is what scares me the most. college is in just a month or so...and i don't want to say goodbye. Its such an exciting thing..after orientation i didn't want to leave. I love my room mate and my suite mates seem awesome! I know that i will fit in just fine..its my perfect school. But i have no idea what i want to do with my life, if i'm going to be able to stay focused, and if i'mgoing to be able to take care of myself. Its going to be a journey that i know will only make me stronger. i guess change doesn't have to be bad....but i wish i could mix the old with the new...and its going to be difficult to let go of the old.
so here i am in the calm before the storm..

so i guess i will step with one foot in front of the other and see where it takes me.
but for now i'm just going to enjoy my present...and hope for the best in my future.

and i will get lost into your eyes

ok...my life calls for major blog writing right now..but i just don't have time!

throw it away, forget yesterday..we'll make the great escape

do you realize that one day can make or break you? one hour could make the difference of life or death...even one minute.
just thought i would give you a little food for thought. makes me think about how i spend my time...am i taking advantage of every opportunity and every moment?
i can't be too picky..we are all allowed down time. i just feel like i have time to spare that i could use to be helping someone else or being productive. but of course this is summer and this is the time to relax and enjoy. I just hope that the next school year i'm pro-active and i make something of myself at my school. I've got potential i never use. but here i have new opportunites...no need to hold back. so i guess i need some motivation..which as a senior in high school we all seriously lack. but i hope i have it next year. my biggest concern is concentration.....as a girl who easily can be distracted, i need to learn to be focused. i guess i'm just rambling...i thought i had a point to this entry but i really dont.
its due time for a famous heather escape...i wonder what it will be this time. i guess i just need a break from everyone. I'm at a place in my life right now where everything is starting to become uknown and out of my normal comfort zone. a time for great change...which i can't complain about because its exciting. i live for these kind of rushes...but at the same time it can become over whelming and i need to take a step back and breathe.
one can only take it a day at a time...but its planning the future that frustrates me. There is so much i want to do...and i want to make sure i do it all.
ok well its like 2 am and i don't feel like rambling off the top of my head anymore.

"i think about the little things that make life great, I wouldn't change a thing about it, this is the best feeling"

being home sick isn't fun during the summer.
not like during school when you get out of class.
I feel like just writing...so this entry make sense or it may not. But it doesn't matter what you think about it because well...its my blog and i feel like rambling.
so this year i have gone in and out of heart breaks, in and out of friends, in and out of family conflict....no stability in anything. Which i guess isn't all that bad considering i have no attention span and i jump from one situation to the next. But summer...the time of spontanious actions and just plain excitement has been my stability. A time of new romances, day adventures, nights that never end, and no responsibility. Its a time to be spent with those you are going to miss the most next year, and those who you may never see again after the summer comes to an end. The tan lines will fade...the phone calls will stop...and the familiar will become a mystery. Its not that this must all come to an end..but i need to remember that besides the pictures of great memories made with the ones i loved the most....the reality of the fall must settle in eventually. Makes me hesitant to go along with the summer romance...knowing in the fall we will go our seperate ways..basically setting myself up for a heartbreak. But then again...why not enjoy it while it lasts and worry about it later. I have a trend of procrastinating the reality and just live in the dream. I'm sure there are loads of blog entries that mention it. But i just know myself all too well. I like the mystery of the future...I am certainly a girl in love with suprises. and my future..will be a suprise in the making. I am spontanious..i change my mind often. I guess i don't like the idea of being in one place for too long.
''Things are not always as they seem"
i read that a few minutes ago...and well of course i just had to elaborate on it. We all have different perceptions...No mind thinks the same. What may appear pleasent from the outside can be ugly on the inside. Sunday will be the day the show is put on. Sitting there at my dads house as the step mother puts on an act of the family named after perfection. Fake hugs and made up stories so that it appears she knows all about my brother and I. So to the jenkins family ( dads sister and brother-in laws) we appear as a happy family when that is far from the truth. So if its so easy to fool them...Makes you think about all the times in your life that you have been fooled..and didn't even know it. I guess it just goes to show you that what you don't know can't hurt you. I guess thats one of many reasons why i tend to take a deeper look into things...because i don't want to be fooled.
I have come to find over the years that i am a person that can see the second layer. That layer that people try to cover.We all have our dirty little secrets..some of us are just better at hiding them. Again we play the fool that thinks no one knows our flaws or mistakes that we feel we have hidden so well..when actually they stand out. I'm not saying i know peoples secrets..i'm saying i can see when someone is not being real with me. Its frustrating because sometimes i wish i could only see into the shallow water so that the depth doesn't bother me, but then again i would loose all my profound meaning. I like that i can have deep conversations with people and i like being able to help others. So i guess seeing the second layer is an enhancement that i should be grateful to have.

Back to You, It always comes around Back to You

so i find myself waking up in the middle night for the most random reason. And not being able to fall back asleep...look what i end up doing...writing in here. I guess its a better way to visualize those thoughts streaming through my mind at the random hour of the night. I was just tossing and turning with all these random thoughts...some make me smile others just want me to break down and cry all over again. I guess i was just haunted by my past all of the sudden and i couldn't sleep.
During the day when i'm occupied, i can't help smiling at how everything is turning out. Its funny how letting a few go helps me move on, and not hold me back anymore. But then suddenly i was remembering the certain few i don't talk to anymore realizing I miss the good times, but slowly regret the bad. One particular that frustrated me all over agian...probably the cause of crying if any.
anyways...
Its week 3 of summer and it has been amazing, every minute of it. So my parents arn't so thrilled with me going out every night, but i just love making all these awesome memories with everyone before i head off to school.
After orientation the other day it got me so pumped for the college life. I've been ready for so long, just drop me off and lets get the good life started. Sure theres that part of me that makes me nervous that my scattered brain self is going to be in charge of my life, but i think i can do it.
So a person mentioned to me that he was questioning where our happiness comes from. Perspective on it is different for everyone. I know personally happiness has come full blast from the 3rd week before graduation to now. I can't help wondering if this is the calm before the storm. Things are going so well it kind of keeps me suspicious. I wish i could enjoy it, but a part of me wonders when it will go downhill. Thats a little too pessimistic for me. I guess i should just realize that this is a great time in my life and i should just enjoy it. I have a person who progressivly is coming into my life that i think for once will truly make me happy...but then what happens when we have to go our seperate ways...its hard for me to get so involved when i know i'm leaving in 2 months. but...i need to..again..just enjoy it all.
So i guess this entry has no profound meaning....i can only write so many entries on how good things are going. I guess there really hasn't been an issue to elaborate on here in any deep meaning. But thats not a bad thing...it just means i've been too distracted.