[edit] I'm drownin in your vanity

forget it...i've made my choice, choice to be

happy.

i've never felt so many emotions at once.

i wish i could just break down into a good cry, let it all out

regret

anger

frustration

confusion

happiness

gratefulness

all of the above

a friend of mine asked me earlier...."heather, are you happy?" i looked at him and thought about how everything is just rustling inside, i'm hiding inside. im looking for perfection that doesn't exist. i'm looking for the easy way out. i'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one hears me.

haha this all sounds so depressing, i'm not depressed i swear. just....frustrated. i want to say what i am feeling but the thing is, i don't know what i want or who i am anymore.

i'm afraid of making a mistake...afraid of rejection, where is the confident heather that i loved so much? really...

there is so many reasons for my mixed emotions: boys, family (evil step mother strikes again), school, friends, and me.

its due time for one of my famous escapes, ok maybe not as extreme as europe, i'd gladly take stars in the middle of the road at 2am again. there is no sense in clearing my head because its clear...now i need to take everything back in piece by piece and start being wise with my choices.

i'm looking for something, but i just don't know what it is.

i'm tired of waiting. i need to make a decision i only hope its the right one.

its you...why is it always you

there are no words.
no profound statements.
no life lesson to explain.
no photo.
no way of talking around the issue
no analogies
....nothing, i am lost



reality has finally set in.

its like sex in a hot tub: exciting yet risky

{photo by me: paris 07}

well...now that i have your attention

lets get down to the thoughts that basically take up my time while i'm not paying attention in any of my classes.

a visual...i'm standing at a crossway: i have 3 choices to make. 2 out of the three could have rewarding endings, but only satisfying journey , where as the one will be a journey i will never forget ( in a positive way) , yet will have an unrewarding ending. ok so i've probably made this more complicated than it should be. I wish i could mix it up. I'm soo frustrated at not being able to really say what is on my mind, and i can't figure out what is holding me back. Rejection or the wording? writing out important thoughts that i wish to say are so much easier, there is no instant feedback, and i can take my time to carefully word everything. the answer is obvious what i should do...but this is me we are talking about. i choose not realize the reality of my actions and I do what may not be completely right for me. i am my own disaster. is it possible to escape yourself and your life just for a little bit? clear my head, register what i'm doing and have done... i can't think straight anymore.

i want more...i deserve more. i know its a lot to ask: but its reality. take it, breath it, see it and realize it exists.

[EDIT] promising forever, knowing that this moment might be all we ever find

{photo by me at the louvre in paris}

where is my sense of satisfaction.

i am in a surreal part of my life right now. a struggle with my wants and needs, who i am, and who i will be. i know i'm hiding in here somewhere.

wtf...why can't i take in reality anymore.

&

i missed my moment, i guess its now forever hold your peace.

your skin and bones, turn into something beautiful

looking in the mirror, i don't see me. for once, i don't recognize my own reflection. each day i surprise myself by the things i say or do. so oblivious to reality, turning the shades down hiding. maybe if i don't think about it, it doesn't exist. i only see what i choose to see. i feel like i have blinders on that make me only look forward instead of taking in the existence around me. look at that picture above...a piece of work from the summer. its called "blind love".. maybe i was only using art to communicate what i didn't have the confidence to actually say in person. i can't remember the last time i picked up a paint brush or any other medium. i can't remember the last time i had the confidence that i have now.

time for a tap into my honesty...

heres that feeling again...that feeling that somethings missing. i know whatever it may be is starring me right in the eyes, but as mentioned before, i am blind to it. i'm done with the temporary satisfaction of feeling whole, its time i wait for something that means more. how girly do i sound now? but seriously, where is my dignity...i'm better than this. realistic part is, i'm the only one who knows what i'm talking about.

i say all this now, but i know when the opportunity comes...i'll just return to my old ways. what is it going to take for me to change? maybe i just don't want to change..or maybe i'm just waiting for the right person to save me from myself...

i wish i was as invisible as you make me feel

jumping to conclusions...its what i do.

saying "no i'm fine really, its ok"...its what i do.

coming up with a rationalization for something i do wrong...its what i do.

always wanting what i can't have...its what i do.

setting myself up for a letdown...its what i do.

i have seemed to find a pattern in my life, paved by my same habits and ways.

making sure everyone is happy before i am...its what i do.

caring too much...its what i do.

going beyond the call of friendships and relationships...its what i do.

trying to be everything a person wants...its what i do.

always being there for the friend that doesn't deserve it...its what i do.

i don't want to have to change myself, for once... i want to stop being told i'm amazing: when only left behind because i'm not amazing enough. just, i guess to be honest, i'm invisible.

short entry and to the point, bc when i looked back at my last one i noticed how i talked myself into circles and i don't even know if it made sense.

at this point...nothing in my life makes perfect sense anyways, all random and full of the unexpected. i'm happy. i really am, i have a lot to look forward to, and this past month...has been a little bumpy, but none the less...amazing. i'm just frustrated and stressed with A LOT of things right now and its making me bitter. and i don't want to be like that. i want everything to fall into place, so just going to take it with one challenge at a time.

you were my dream, my world...but i was blind.

well a new trip means new photography, and of course...a new blog entry.

europe was amazing...

this trip...this escape. people take vacations to rid themselves of reality, when mine only opened my eyes to it. realizing that in just a couple of years i will be making a future for myself. and all i kept thinking is..."what if i settle?" "what if i don't make it?" i have my eyes set on a dream, and i can only hope that i will accomplish it. of course, dreams and priorities change, but i don't want to end up ruining it over something stupid. i want to make the right decisions. within these past couple of months i've made a very large decision that i don't believe i was mature enough to make, because i ended up making the wrong choice. i have a price to pay for it, and no gratification. it will probably be my one true regret.
keep doing the same thing over and over. acting, knowing the consequences, but still doing it anyway because in the moment it seems worth it, when in the end its not. i choose to be blind to the reality..like when a guy isn't right for me, yet i still fall for him anyway, i'm not taking care of myself, looking out for my best interest. fortunately there are those around me who do, but no one can control my life but me, and i need to start doing a better job.

i feel like i was so blind to all the possibilities for me, it kept me thinking about where i am now and where i will be in a couple of years. where will my passion be? who will be in my life? people there have such an appreciation for life, taking in the beauty and looking beyond whats in front of them. one day should not be a rush to get to tomorrow, it should be lived.

i got the answers i've been looking for since that last entry, they were right there staring at me...

it was tiring being here in the middle of everything, i felt like i couldn't breath and i needed a break from my life. when i left...it was like looking at myself from a birds-eye view . going back over everything from the past month and taking in all of the reality. finally soaking in what was said and done... i'm tired of being that girl...i'm ready for something more.

i realize now what i deserve.

back in the real world now. someone recently told me that i can have everything i want for myself...just maybe not all at once. timing is everything. i can see the world, and make a career out of what i love...but only if i work for it. so here it goes heather...what are you going to make of your life?