all things that break you, you can't change the past

i really need to learn to accept things in my life right now as they are, but i'm just having a hard time doing that. i feel as if i would be settling, and i have always made a promise to myself to never settle. you get the life you are given, you make the best of walking with your head held high even though your scars can still be seen by others. we all make mistakes, we all have regrets, we all wish we could go back. but living in the past is not anticipating the future. and because i know that i can't change my past, and i've made mistakes and learned great lessons from all of them, i'm ready to take what i've learned and move forward. i'm done with the high school chapter of my life. i'm ready to graduate, i'm not made for this life style anymore. i want to experience new things, new people, new places. 115 days...then i'm free. i just feel like a prisoner in high school, so many limits. i need to let go of some things that i love about high school to get to the other side. i'm just rotting here in "the well". wasting my time when i could be doing better things with my time.

i got an offer to go to the lower part of Spain in addition to Barcelona and France for spring break, but that would mean missing 5 days of school before spring break. there is no doubt in my mind that it will be worth it, but i'm just worried i'll get really behind so close to graduation. i don't know what to do. its in God's hands. i know i will be guided into the right decision.

although i'm finally gaining some steadiness right now, i still feel like i need one of my great escapes. haven't decided what it will be yet....sneaking out for stars? far away friends? the possibilities are endless, but i do want to share my escape with people. so i better start planning. but of course, you can never plan an escape, it just sort of happens spontaneously. i feel like watching a sunrise or going to the lake or something. well, i guess i'll just see what happens.

on another note...i'm so ready for warm sunny weather. get my tan back, my legs are blinding right now. i loveee summer. plus it helps that we just got new additions to the family...2 brand new, very nice, top of the line, 3 seater....JET SKIS. i've only been asking for them for 3 years. its about time. got some dry suits too, so i'll probably be hitting those up this weekend.

a moment in your arms became the reason why

[ bondfire: 10-23-06 photo by me ]

as i mentioned in the previous blog, this has been the first time in months that i am happy. and i'm not talking about a temporary happy for the moment, or the happy because of something special. i have survived the drowning waters. i am a living proof, that in time, you can conquer your existance as it is. you can make something of yourself. i just needed a little confidence. so here it is 2nd semester....a 2nd chance to make this year something i will truly never forget. no more plastured fake smiles, this is the real deal. I have spent months searching for what it is that was missing, and what was missing was....me. i know this may sound extreme, but only if you truly know who i am,or what i have gone through, are you able to understand this blog entry.

no more hiding, no more escaping. here i stand, take it or leave it. i felt the silence, no help was given. i had to figure this all out by myself. i felt as if i was in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one heard me. dramatic? yes because it was. i've never experienced any out of body situation like that.

for now:

my father: is my father. calling me, sending me messages, checking up on my life, taking an interest. only took him 10 years to figure it out, but better late then never. i have prayed for us to finally have something in common and be able to have a father-daughter relationship. i was a daddy's girl, and it was lost for far too long.

my friends: just when you think your alone, they prove you wrong. i don't care about who i hang out with, as long as you have a good time, does it really matter? i loooove meeting and hanging out with new people. i may have many aquantinces, but i do have a small group of friends that i know will always, always be there for me. i'm here for them too. without knowledge of it, some of them have really helped me, but all in their own unique way.

just when you think your running in place, suddenly all the pieces start coming together.

conlusion: welcome back heather. its great to see you again.

i had a great weekend, and there are plenty more where that came from.

CONGRATS to me!

I held off writing this entry until the full week was complete...so here it is.

a full...absolute week of pure happiness. no letdowns, no tears, no hurt, no pain. it feels amazing to be out of that dark hole that i was in. im done letting other people control on how i feel about myself. It has come to that peak in the school year that i don't care about what i do or say, bc it simply does not matter at this point. go ahead and look ridiculous, as long as you are having fun doing it. I see great potential for this semester. NO EXPECTATIONS, but full potential. so time to sit back, and enjoy the ride. but hold on tight...its going to be long and bumpy.

when it feels like the end and theres no place to go

so here is how i see it...

lets go back to august: no problems, no issues, i was extremely happy with the way things were falling into place. it was the beginning of senior year and i was full of great expectations. ok..

now lets go back to about early december...

although things had gotten worse, this.....this was my all time low of the year. I was not in a good place at all. looking for a smile when i couldn't find one, looking for answers when none existed, looking for a friend when no one was there. i felt stuck. sounds depressing right? yea well it kind of was. had absolutely nothing to do with anyone or anything specific (just thought i'd make that very clear). just hard time with my family, college application stress, trying to figure out what i was going to make of myself, it was the months of soul searching. what i wanted had changed. i had changed.

ok.... good.

so now, lets go to present. because the past is going to stay there where it belongs.

i don't believe in expecations anymore. i actually have a semi-relationship with my father that i had been searching for... about oh 7 years. I have good classes that actually appeal to my interest. ..andd I DON'T CARE about reputations or social structure anymore. 5 more months and the only people i will ever see again is the ones i like...or am close to. no worries.

i'm getting the good in small dosages.

i do love.

i do live.

i do not expect.

i do envy.

i do believe that in this very moment...i am content. will things get better? worse? stay the same? who knows....i'm not going to predict. just live.

life is too short to be anything but happy. and that....i must remember!

keep holding on, you'll make it through.

what i want, what i can have, and what i have....are all completely different.


pathetic.

we're trying and we're breathing.

ok

as an old friend pointed out today...i'm very hard to please. so with that said and done...i need to realize what i have is so much better than what i think i need. just 5 more months. i really do have some people in my life that would do anything for me and are always there when i need them. they are worth keeping, they are worth my attention. i've let go of those who look down on me or have forgotten i exist. and i feel so much better. life is too short to wait for people to come back. you just have to keep on moving just as they are. what happens..happens. fate will lead to where i need to be. and as of right now, i see quite the adventure coming in my near future.

i also found out about rumors about me from earlier this year. oh how people don't know me at all. i'm constantly mis-understood. my words are never really taken in as they should be. high school: drama. cliques. fakeness. non of which appeals to me. its not like we don't come in contact with these situations in our daily lives in the future, but i'm over it. i'm over social status, reputations, popularity, judgements. i mean...until you actually get the time to really know someone...and i mean really know someone, you have no right to judge them. we are all guilty of it, i know i am.

life keeps moving past me. and i need to learn to keep up. stop being pathetic, put a smile on, and get out there. listening to music and looking at stars is not going to solve or satisfy my issues.

i'm in a good place right now. hopefully, for once this year i can keep it up. HA! at the rate i'm going, thats very unlikely. but for now i'm going to enjoy my contentness.

keep holding on heather, you can get through this.

you are a lot tougher than you look.

& on another note.

New York...my 18th birthday: one word

outstanding. shopping, looking around, lunch...was all way cool.

i feel older, i see the change.

i don't loook older but thats a whole other story. from holding in feelings, to expressing them openly. that is a big difference from a year ago. it can only go up from here.

one day at a time, this is all i can do.

you are beautiful

dont search for anything new if you already have something wonderful.


sometimes we don't realize that the best we'll ever have is right there infront of us. you don't see it bc its so familiar. you want a change, you want something different. you want what you can't have.



its time i appreciate the people that are here for me, rather than complain about the ones that arn't.