if you've followed my blog before you would notice the color change. I have written in this blog for a good 3 solid years. there are tears, realizations, smiles, and memories all tied between every word of my past. i've been through probably one of the darkest times in my life and am still in the transition of seeing the light. but i felt it necessary to make the color change to my blog as sort of a rite of passage, me passing over one part of my life and moving on to the next. i'm growing up.
this break was probably the best thing for me. I preach the necessity of an escape and I was way overdue for mine. I sat there on the beach and reviewed every move i've made in this new year of new beginnings. I realized that i'm already disappointed in myself. I made the resolution to change. i made a promise to stop lurking in the shadows and letting others hide my light. I made a pact with myself to not let others control how i feel about myself. And the minute i crossed over to 441...i returned to the old me and made bigger mistakes than ever. but i also accomplished a great growth. its sad that sometimes it takes a disastrous mistake to make us realize what we need to change about ourselves.
well here is my epiphany!
* i keep people at a distance. i'm afraid to get too close to anyone. i keep to myself at times, and can only open up when i feel needed.
* i have been greedy. I will make decisions on a whim that will only benefit me, and never think of the end result. i have made some pretty stupid moves recently, and almost lost a close friend that grew into family in college. all for my own selfish reason that would have left me empty handed in the end. if i could take it all back i would.
* i am not like others. I pick and choose my battles. life is too short to be anything but happy. I choose to live a laid back perspective on a lot of situations. and for this...i appreciate who i am.
* i have fallen for my best friend. it scares me that i'm about to invest a lot of feelings that i've never really had into this. but since he can forgive my past, i can certainly forgive his. i hope that it is everything he and i imagine it to be.
* I can't follow my former direction of patience and waiting for happiness. I have to wake up and take the initiative to make it to my goal destination. If i want to study abroad and work for a major fashion magazine...i'm going to do it! and luckily my advisor has given me the motivation i need to make it happen.
* I really do have great friends in my life that may come and go, but in the end when it truly matters, they will always be there for me.
* My family has been through more downs than ups. but no matter what, we have all come out the other side together and each individually stronger than ever. i may stray to the beat of my own drum when it comes to a lot of things, but either way we are an amazing team who together have accomplished a lot of barriers.
well some of these ive noticed before but i guess i just needed the visual to look at and be reminded that these characteristics have or do exist.
i've had an attitude adjustment and feel stronger than ever. i am changing. i will change. and here is my contract to prove it. no more settling, no more backing down, and no more stupid decisions.
i am better than who i have been acting like. and here is my chance to prove it. Its been so long since i've been proud of who I am...and here i am about to take the initiative to better myself into who i pretended to be all along.