just bend the pieces til they fit i

here is the day.
the time.
the moment...

in which i can make a wise decision for myself. where i can become invisible and back down...as if i never existed at all in the situation. prevent a break..and embrace a new possibility. yet...i'm held back. running in place and searching around for a sign...anything to guide me in the right direction. my fear? i'm going to ignore the obvious sign, choose to be rebellius..make a fall..and miss greatness. i'm always trying to make something work..because i can't leave something unfinished.

haunting and creeping..these memories replay..the words i shouldn't have heard or said. the experiences who they say...will only make me stronger and appreciate the good that comes in..but when will i recieve this gift? i don't know what it is that will satisfy the hunger of desire that lies within the lining of my hazel eyes. is it security, worth, or to be desired? maybe all of the above. i'm constantly searching for approval i don't need.

twisted feelings have taken over. im so grateful that this year...i'm actually going to get to enjoy my holiday season. i'm ready for the long break..but its going to be filled with so many important events...and emotional states i don't know if i'm ready to endure.

sooo...all of these blog entries have been so short. and lacking depth or any meaning. i guess its just thoughts on the top of my head. i'm tongue tied..one minute i'm ok with everything and the next i'm questioning myself. i don't know where this lack of confidence is coming in? but i'm locked up with no idea where the key is..and its near impossible to let anyone in...even though i truly want to. you take a step towards me...i take two steps back..although i really wish i had taken three steps closer.

to be honest i'm scared.i have a fear of reaching out and disconnected...i'm just looking for that hand to touch my shoulder and tell me its going to be ok. to be looked at with complete honesty.. tell me that i will make it through this all..to rid me of my blindness...and help guide me the right way.
but right now i'm nowhere near this.

this thanksgiving...i was greatful for the courage to walk through fear, strength to keep going, friends that have been there for a shoulder to lean on...the mistakes i have learned from....apologies i've accepted...and the moments that make life worth its greatness.

i can only take it one day at a time. and you know...i'm ok.

what you have been out there searching forever is in your hands

what we don't say with words...we scream in desire with our eyes.
we look...in all the wrong places for what we think we want. but honestly..do we consciously know what it is that we truly find interest in. I don't think we do until we find it. and once we have it we risk the unsatisfaction of the dead end to an endless search. words from another claims that we must put our needs and wants before satisfying someone elses.
one of my biggest fears is that i'll settle for what i can have... rather than striving for what i want. shouldn't we put up a fight for happiness?
what it is that holds us back is different for everyone. for me its the fear of getting hurt. i don't fall to prevent the crash. promises are then not broken and nor is my heart. i simply walk the other way...and have the question of "what if.." in the back of my mind blocking my perception into possibilities. the problem is i think too much...but not thinking enough is what directs you into the dark.
i just want to get one thing right. taking in reality is always an issue. facing the truth just doesn't come into existance anymore like it used too. maybe its because so much has happened over the past few years that i don't believe any of it really occured. i guess its become a blinding effect.. but i just can't sit around and dwell over the things i can't change. when the reality does officially settle in i accept it as it is. you can't keep yourself dragged down because then you miss the good right there in front of you. i guess i just feel a little lost right now..with a blurred road ahead. i can't tell the direction i am going in and its frustrating. I'm a go with the flow kind of person...but some hints would be appreciated.

i feel like its been so long since my eyes have glowed..i want something exciting to happen....a suprise or anything... the predictability and bad news just hit replay. i'm kind of over it. i want a true smile with meaning behind it. to feel special in some kind of way. but..i can't search for it..it'll just have to happen.

i could never be close enough

to ever just feel crowded? like the walls are coming in closer and closer...and people are more in your face. then there is that sudden relief of a deep breath. open your eyes and see the world for the beauty it really is. what a great weekend! i feel like this school and town are now officially my own...that i really belong. i love all my old and new friends and i couldn't ask God to bless me with a better life. I got to see all of my family as well which was so pleasent. Just sitting on the dock by the lake realizing that its the little things in life that put a smile across your face.
I realize that this happiness is blinded to the few things that are not going so well right now as well as a few adjustments i need to make, but i have to enjoy the good while i can.
I'm young..and a lot of life to live and i expect nothing less than giving it all i've got. The experiences i've endured and the places i have seen...how is that i am so lucky to have it all.
I feel like when we are searching for what we want or desire...we miss out on whats right infront of us. Its so obvious yet we are completed distracted to actually see it for what it truly could be.
I'm so excited about this fall weather, the anticipation to see friends and family on thanksgiving break, only 3 weeks worth of classes left, and the possibility to see pierre as soon as possible. so much to look forward too. no expectations needed, i know its going to all be amazing!

i realize that there is a lot i am missing out on, but my time will come. I just need to be patient and stop rushing a delicate future. Its going to come to me in an unexpected way. It will be ok, you just have to crawl through the bad so that you can walk through the good with the people who value the most!

<3