i'm having trouble breathing, your sitting on my chest..i sure could use the rest

i figured out one of many flaws, and that is i have this need to satisfy others. Even if its something that i don't want, i am always looking out for approval. in the end, i end up regretting it. i work so hard for the satisfaction of another, and then i realize that it wasn't worth it. you would think i would learn because this has been a reaccurring conflict for me over the year. i hope i can figure out how to do what i want, and pay attention to my satisfactions and needs before turning to others. its not selfish, its just looking out for whats best for me....as well as others. this isn't worth ruining my morals over. i'm better than that, i know who i am. so what am i trying to prove?
testing my limits, going over the line, and seeking a challenge. those are good for life, but sometimes you need to realize how far is too far.


so i'm starting from scratch right now before i ruin what dignity i have.no judgments, they are all swiped away. so here i am...take it or leave it.

i need to start thinking before acting..get my head on straight and realize that what actions i have, can have consequences. i don't want to be like this anymore, so now its time to look forward from this point on, my past is in the past and it is not who i am now.

i'm having trouble sleeping, your standing in my bed

"YOU REFLECT BACK ON YOUR RECENT DECISIONS AND ACTIONS, AND CONCLUDE THAT YOU'RE NOT THE PERSON YOU WANTED TO BE. BUT RATHER THAN ACCEPT THAT THOUGHT, YOU CAN DO DIFFERENTLY, FOR THE NEXT TIME YOU REFLECT UPON YOURSELF, THING'S WILL BE DIF. YOU'LL BE PROUD.."

I find it amusing all of the attention that my blog is getting, i get comments on it a lot lately. I never really thought of myself as a profound writer, but others tend to disagree. so the above quote is from a recent audience member who needs a little help on finishing his thoughts.

i agree with what he has to say. you never want to look back and regret your life, i find it that its never too late to make a change for yourself. but also believe that your past is what makes you stronger, without the mistakes and problems you go through, how do you make a good difference for yourself? how do you know whats good without going through the bad? everyones lives are an emotional roller coaster, things can be going great or down hill all together. either way its the experiences that build you, whether they are experiences you wish you never had to deal with, or experiences you wish you could do all over again, without them you are not who you are today. forget your mistakes and learn from them, so that you may go through the journey differently and look back with courage and satisfaction. ( i hope this was a helpful elaboration for you!)

personally for some reason i have been thinking about my one mistake from this school year. a person i put so highly and prioritized, when in the end he was not who i thought he was. a person who i gave him everything, and in return got nothing. why is he such a big deal to me? well...probably because i'm so mad at myself for getting caught up into the attention and because of it i have a great loss to live with.its a shame to have to lose who i thought was a great friend, when in the end he was really just haunting image of the approval i have always desired and now i don't know why. i was blind, when everyone else could see it. but i guess i was a believer in that no one elses opinions matter but my own.i put so much effort into this, thinking i was going to be worth the change, that i was going to be worth the effort. and i love a challenge, so i didn't want to give up. well, now that all these truths are coming out it makes my stomach sink, finally seeing the light i refused to look at.

well here i am NOW...and i couldn't be happier. i have rid myself of the past, and i'm embracing the future. i have great close friends, and positive acquaintances. i'm loaded with graduation money, on my new mac laptop, and am having a blast at all these graduation parties getting closer to those i wish i had gotten to know better earlier this year and making more memories with the good friends that have been here for me the whole time. there is so much to look forward to. I was standing out there in the heat underneath a hot robe on the turf of my high school before graduation thinking of everything i have accomplished at the school and thinking that at that very moment....there was perfection. me...moving on with my life, and having succeeded what i thought was unattainable.

so congratulations class of 2007, we did it.


and i leave you with this: never look back with regret, but always look forward with an open mind of new possibilities. never hold on to what brings you down, but embrace the new opportunities that will make you look back with satisfaction of accomplishment.

you don't know how lovely you are...

love these two girls... (pic from one of the many graduation parties!)

"They say that in order to determine which direction you are going, you must first find out where you have been. Together, we used to watch the jet trails of many people traveling all sorts of directions. There are many daughters, just like there are many planes in the sky. I was fortunate enough to have you."

this note along with a toy plane was left on my car windshield today. my father,yes thats right....my dad, drove out of his way to work to leave me this surprise on my car. needless to say i started crying. he instantly brought me back to that little girl sitting on the front stoop of her lovely home living with a picture perfect family, just watching planes go by with her dad at night.

corny? maybe...

but this little gesture, this gift.. means more to me than any other gift i've ever gotten. This is a gift of interest. this is a gift that finally has shown me...i'm worth the extra effort. this proves to me, its never too late to make a difference. and this is a perfect follow up to my last blog entry shown.



my life right now keeps on giving.

But you move through my soul like a hurricane wind..We've been so lost for so long..I don't know how to get back again

( by the lovely angie 2007 )


( photo by me: spring 2006 )

so, i think that my entries are lacking a little depth. i tried to surface emotions for them to be understood, but really...there is nothing here to understand.
all this talk about graduation, all this talk about beginnings and endings... those kind of thoughts can only go so far. we all have a different perception on graduation, there are those who can't wait to leave high school behind and move on to better things...and then of course there are those who without high school, they do not have the power, popularity, and attention that they have now...no growth.

you must take a step forward to be in a different place. well...this step i'm about to take will be one of my hardest, but necessary. should have done it a long time ago, and in a moment of weakness i may feel tempted to go back, but going back may be the last push to break me. i'm trying to look forward but its hard when its blocking my view. time...all i need is time. there just isn't enough of it.. i've been hiding in the shadows when i should be shining in the light. i'm not going to let it control how i feel about myself... i've changed so much and it would be a shame to not appreciate what i have become just because its not appreciated by another. looking in the mirror, i see through what i have become and still see the old me, the girl who wasn't good enough for so long, the girl who was left behind, the girl with swollen eyes...i need to start looking at who i am now: the person who started to lead the path instead of follow it, the person who grew out of fear, the person who broke free of the fake smile....just me.
my loose ends are not tied. i don't have closure, but this time...i dont need it.i'm tired of trying to prove myself.

this blog entry is not meant to make me sound so conceited, its to help me visualize and realize i am worth the change, the time...the attention. i'm not looking to be wanted, i'm looking to be noticed.
funny how one man scarred me as a little girl, and it has taken me so long to grow out of being that child left behind. its not a sob story, its the truth. but its just proof, that life goes on, and you can get over it, and how much one person can affect your life.
so here i am, waiting for that big gesture that will eventually come my way, the gesture that proves that this was worth all the waiting, and that i was worth the effort. it could be days, months, years. i'll be ready.
i guess this entry is mixed of old and new, family, friends..and of course what else is new...boys.

the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams

{ photos compliments of the lovely angie watson}

looking at these pictures get me so excited for the upcoming year. It also makes me realize that through the rough and the good, i've always got those few who have always...and always will be.. there for me. friendships that are not defined by social status are what mean the most. i'm lucky to have so many around , but i need to realize who where the truth resides.. seeing through all the fake and lies in front of me is not hard to do. You think your hiding it, but your not. being used and abused seemed to be a trend this year, nothing surprising.

There are just some who i know i will stay in contact with, and others that i need to move on from. In the end i'm not sad that the school year must come to a close, i'm happy that it happened. I never talk of regrets, because without the bad its impossible to get to the good. I have made some...ok a lot of mistakes this year, but in the end they are all experiences that have slowly built my growth. I love everyone that i have met and gotten to know better, ok well maybe not everyone...but again, they only add to my experiences.

So no more talk of this being the end...its only the beginning.

will you remember me..

its closing time. the end of another chapter, but really i only see it as a new oppportunity. i always talk about how ready i am to get out of roswell, but now i realize how much everything is going to change and i'm going to be missing a lot of people.
i let myself go this year, met a lot of new people, took many chances.
right now i'm just enjoying life, trying not to look into things too much like i usually do.

this is it.

... these next two weeks are going to be a blur and surreal, but amazing!

i live in a fantasy world, which is why i'm constantly let down by the realistics of my life. it has taken me a long time to understand that. but now is better than never.

2006-2007 school year: undescribable

take whats yours and leave the rest so i survive

i didn't think i was going to post another blog entry for a while...considering the last one just pretty much sums it up.
but i am hopeless. i'm so frustrated with everything, i'm tired of being judged, watched, smothered, ignored...all sides of the spectrum

what is it going to take to make me feel whole again...wtf do you want heather??


UGH!!

sleep will do for now.

&(*)(*&&^*

I'm Blind and Waiting for You

tried to take a step forward: took one too many steps back
tried to move on: only fell into the past
had perfection sitting next to me: only to realize its not what i wanted






i write in my blog to sort through what i'm thinking...and all i'm thinking about is all the decisions i have made this year, and how i'm slowly realizing how i regret them.
there...i said it.


done.

i'm slowly hitting reality




anyways.......
cinco de mayo tonight!!! oh yeaaaa