"Where were you? Its just a little late... you found me"

this picture is one i took at reynolds last year the morning of orientation. I love it, but mainly because that was my first perspective into what my next years would be built up on, beauty and faith.
Despite the growing factors that i've had to face starting so young until now, i feel that this year is the year that i matured the most.
its come to that time of year where you start to realize what is most important to you. Christmas makes you only think of good, despite all the bad. You try to see the best in everyone around you in the spirit of the holiday, appreciate the friendships and family that surround you. Right now i'm struggling with my own issues of trust. I'm trying to put my 6th sense to the side, and try to believe the words that pour out of my admiration. I had to look into the eyes of my fear and soak in what could be truth or a good act. Well, he had a tough act to follow unfortunately and all i have to build on is experience, which for me has been nothing but breakdowns. I always have to prove i'm right, and for my hearts sake, i hope that this time i'm proven wrong.
these past few months ive had to take a deeper look into who i am and what it is that i want for myself. Everyone wants happiness, but my happiness comes in small packages. it doesn't take much to put me in a place of stability and a smile that shines real.
this christmas i ask for this:

Pierre to come home

a mended heart that feels whole again

my best friend to be near again, and know that with patience, everything will come together

my mom to do something for herself for once

my dad to find himself, and to recognize who is daughter really is

my brother to know how much i appreciate everything he does for me

his heart, and recognition that i wont always be around if he treats me like i will be

this guy to find his happiness, and not settle for her to treat him like she was

this girl to know that these jerks will come and go in her life to make her tough, so that when she falls hard, she will handle herself with poise and passion

....notice that none of these can be wrapped and placed under the tree. materials just don't mean anything like they used to to me. God has spoken loud and clear these past few months, and i'm doing my hardest to understand what he is trying to tell me. i see the signs, unfortunately i am at times too stubborn to read them thoroughly. This is a time of transition, getting organized, and a break from all the distraction. I feel an escape coming my way, and i couldn't feel more aware of myself until now. i need to take a birds eye perspective and step out of the situations at hand. make a better decision for myself, and be aware that great changes and opportunities will come my way. I'm always here for anyone that needs me, but its time i save myself right now, because i'm slowly slipping into an undesired destination.

i will look at the endless horizon and feel the power of how little i am compared to the world. despite its mass over me, i plan on discovering it all.

Sunrise, Sunrise

I feel like i'm finally back.
after weeks of being sick with mono, the sudden relief of feeling better and actually being productive slapped me into reality.

i'm back to the confidence of who i am.
where i want to go
what i'm most passionate about
focusing on my wants, my needs

it feels good to be focused again. i guess i kind of needed those moments of weakness to bring myself back to my strength.
ive just realized that i'm always making my plans around others needs and times of convenience , while losing my own in the process.
this is no longer acceptable, and i plan on going back out there and knocking down all these hindrances one by one.

i seemed to have gotten myself in over my head in thoughts and worries, and in the end i still don't have any of the answers i've desired, but i'm fully aware that this is all part of the journey and in time my answers will find me.

i will continue to grow. continue to let go. and try and open up my heart.

i can't over do it, or i will start drowning again. but i seemed to have forgotten the free-spirited heather that got by every problem on her own while spontaneously making escapes and experiences along the way.

i have forgotten the stars, the dreams, and the "moments" that made me whole

i need to start creating more "moments" and speak up my voice of truth that has been hiding behind a ghost for so long. thats exactly what i have been for the past month.... a ghost of my essence. Well the color pigments and feeling has come back into play and this ghost is starting to disappear. the school year is winding down and i plan on making the best of the rest of 2008 before 2009 challenges me on a whole different level.

"all this time i was wasting hoping you would come around, i have been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down"

thank you taylor swift for writing songs that for some sad reason i can relate to every single one.
ok, minus the song 15, can't say i've ever had a boy tell me he loved me in high school, BUT all other lyrics speak straight to my heart.

i hide my fears, emotions, and tears so well, that at times i think i even fool myself into thinking everything is ok.
its my fault for not letting one in, i have this awkward barrier that at times, seem impossible to conquer to the outside crowd. i come off as this independent confident girl who believes she has all the answers. I love helping people, and love that my friends feel that they can always come to me for advice. I guess what i'm starting to realize is, i run around acting like the hero....but when the day is said and done.... maybe its me who needs saving.
i feel like at times i'm screaming with my eyes at the top of my lungs just hoping that one head will look up and see the fear that is piercing through.

i have worries.
i have doubts.
i have weaknesses.

it never shows to the outside world, because i get quite. i observe everyone around me and offer my two cents hoping that my confidence in advice i'm offering covers up my own insecurities.
i only had one guy ever look at my eyes..and tell me that he could see all the strength i've gained from the past troubles i've had to overcome. unfortunately, that was a temporary ordeal, but for that moment, it made me realize that i may not be as sly as i thought.

i always said that i walked around my father with this plastered fake smile, which lately, i haven't had to put on. i guess seeing him search for himself shows that he's no sure of the future as i am, and that we aren't as different as i thought. observing the ins and outs of every person who has touched my life has taught me a lesson a long the way. my friends touch my life when they least expect it, and most of the time they don't even know they are doing it. thats ok though, a good deed should be done without any hopes of a reward.

i guess these past couple of weeks of being sick and quarantined in my room had me thinking a lot more than i intended. i have come to a point of wanting some answers and truth that i have been hiding from all along.

i constantly tell him that i'm not needy and that i don't ask for much, which is true, but i wish he could see how much at this time...i do need him. sometimes support needs to go both ways and right now...i'm the one who could use some saving. of course, me being the person that i am, will never come out and say it because its a journey that he and i need to realize on our own.

i am just a little lost right now. i do know what i want, but i'm frustrated that right now, it feels near grasp yet intangible. i guess time will tell. i'll keep praying, being patient, and hope that this place that i keep searching for is a lot closer than i hope.

stand still. let the pieces fall into place as they should. don't shove the misfit answers to where they shouldn't be. it will all come together.

Just Me.

this is my picture from two summers ago. just thought i'd spice it up with my new favorite lyrics.


so here i go again.
one step in front of another, on my own.
i have to admit that this wasn't easy, and its not going to be for a while.
no, i'm not happy but i haven't lost my optimism.

i feel that all i can do now is realize that if its meant to be, then somewhere in the future we will find each other again. until then...its just me. its not over, its not done, in fact i believe that its only just begun, and if we can get through this, then we can get through anything.

whats in store for my future? well thats the beauty of it all... i don't know. but i do admit, i'm excited to find out.
i came across this internship in london that is 8 weeks over the summer working with a fashion business. i applied for more information, the only thing is i would have to work my butt of next semester to help raise money for it. if i go through with this, i will just be that much closer to my dream.

my biggest fear is what if the reality of the dream isn't all i expect it to be? i guess thats why you live and you learn, taking each experience as a lesson on which direction you choose to take yourself.

i'm not looking for anything rightnow. i just want to enjoy each moment blessed to me. all i can do is take it one day at a time. life shouldn't be this hard, and i must admit that i'm frustrated that every inch i get closer to chance to be happy, i'm blocked by a huge challenge that sometimes is just unstoppable.

fate. faith. hope....those are just three words that get me through it all. i had to make a seriously mature decision this month. i just hope that in the end, my patience will lead me to a place that is all worth the wait. i'm trying not to be bitter, but to just smile bc i have so much to look forward too, and for that short time, i did have an insight into what happiness will feel like.

how long have i been in this storm? so overwhelmed by the oceans shapeless form, water getting harder to tread

i'm trying so hard not to get so attached, so used to the familiarity around me, or to rely on perfection. what if it disappears?

i'm just discontent right now. something doesn't feel right, and i don't know what to do about it. i've been running everyday to blow of my frustration and channel in some endorphins, but it only makes me angrier and more prone to the need of being active. why can't i be trusting anymore? well wait, i know why.. experience. i was being nostalgic, reading through my old blog entries, recognizing this growth i've been thriving in. i came across a quote that caught my eye then, and pertains to what realizations i'm coming to now.

"life is lived forwards, and understood backwards." ....duh right? well to elaborate on it, i put my trust and faith into fate. I tend to misread the challenges that slap me in the face continuously. i broke down the other day to the reality of another challenge. i guess that was just a reaction to the idea that what i thought would finally be stable happiness, has a glitch. my first response was selfish, wondering why once again, my strength is put to the test. well, after re-evaluating i can understand. i was sent to this persons life to help, to be support, to guide into the strength ive had to learn to endure.

God has a plan, and for seem reason i feel the need to constantly question his plan. Pierre was sent to Haiti, taken from the woman he loves and the daughter he never had. well, after taking a close look at all the volunteer work he and my mother have done at one of the orphanages, its very clear i misread that plan. He is now able to touch lives of little kids, and make a difference he couldn't make here at home.

i have to put my feelings aside, be the one to support rather than looking for it. the whole situation is a lot harder than i thought it was going to be, but i know that with time, patience, hope, and confidence....we will both get through it.

i think its time i return into my old ways of escapes. i looked up angies blog about the people who have taught her a lesson of some sort and came across mine, remembering that when i was in over my head in emotion, it was time to take a step away, clear my head, and come battling in full force to conquer the challenge ahead. its time i remember who i am, and continue walking with my head held high.

"you'll be the prince and i'll be the princess, its a love story, baby just say yes"

falling into place.
everything...is falling into place.
there comes a point of a beautiful disaster in which you are broken down to the point of no return, or so it feels. I know i had lost faith in anything i had ever written, dreamed of, or hoped for. i was constantly taken down by these guys who never even deserved me in the first place. I held out my heart, never to fully receive it back in proper condition. i couldn't see the future, it became so blurred and confusing. I was frustrated and was dried out from so many tears. I prayed, and i prayed, and i prayed for answers and hope as to why these horrible things keep happening to me and my family.

but within the past 2 weeks, its like a switch flipped. my confidence became flawless, my future became clearer, and the answers appeared bold. Many times i have written blogs on fate, and how much i believe that everything happens for a reason. God does have a plan, and with trust and patience, someday will come true understanding. i've never felt so strong. I'm strong enough to say no to the past that keeps haunting me, strong enough to focus on my school work and succeed, strong enough to make an effort to reach out to my father, strong enough to realize that i am not the girl i used to be. He spoke to me in a manner that was so loud i felt as if it was just me and Him that existed. I had a moment of realization and comfort that God was looking out for me and that i needed to continue my faith.

and then....this special boy walked into my life. the boy that for years i had been looking for. He constantly proves to me that i'm worth effort, that i am good enough, that i am special to him. I've never felt so comfortable with someone before. Its scary that i trust him, but satisfying to know that he trusts me. I have never been so happy.

so looking back, every up and down i have had to endure, its now obvious as to why i had to overcome the barriers to help me get to this place i am at right now.

I'm blessed in more ways than i could imagine.

long gone baby

we choose our battles and paths.
there is a choice on what to dwell on and what to let roll of your shoulder.
there is a choice on who we allow to control us and who we can overcome.
there is a choice on what to do with your future, but the choice starts now.
there is a choice on when to move on and who to let go.

overtime i have given out my heart to so many, that i have nothing left to give. i'm worn down, torn up, used and abused. I'm a strong girl who can and will overcome any hindrance that comes my way. trouble is, rightnow i feel like i'm drowning in a mess of tears from the wounds on my heart throbbing more than ever. i finally thought i had found what i have been looking for for so long, andi couldnt have been happier. little did i know that its just not my turn to have true happiness just yet.

sure its dissapointing, but its not going to prevent me from being the confident person i was before. its their fault for not realizing who they had in their arms when they had it. i'm not going to take someone begging forgiveness on their knees, i'm not going to take a "sorry" typed in a text. its when your in the wrong that you step up your game. i understand that they can't face me to tell me that they are leaving me behind, but honestly all respect goes out the door when you can't do so. confrontation is just a part of life that you have to expect. its the non-closure that kills me the most.
i'm laid back and believe in second chances, but there is a point and line that is crossed way to often for me to be lenient anymore.
i hear "your perfect" and "your amazing" far too many times to even believe it anymore. a wise girl listens but doesn't believe and for now on thats what i intend to do.
sure this all may sound bitter, but i have every right to be.


i'm closing up shop, recovering, giving myself time to build up back into the person i want to be.

inspiration and escape

[photo by me spring 2007]

ever feel like everything is thrown at you at once, you feel so many different emotions, want to journey down each direction of paths offered, and want a taste of everything?

its overwhelming.
i have dreams that are inspired by every inch of opportunity facing my way.
how can i involve photography, writing, fashion, decorating, and Paris all into one future?
its intimidating, yet for some reason, i'm comfortable in my determination to make it happen.

you know sometimes it takes a step back and focus to understand why certain situations happen in your life. I've always said that each confrontation, challenge and barrier is only to help build strength for the next step. That with patience, happiness will come to you.

well, heres a bit of a spin on that perspective..its a competitive world, and without putting up a fight for what you deserve, you'll only settle for what comes your way. this summer has been a journey that has challenged who i am, what morals i stand for, who i let control me, and what is most important. its easier said than done to just turn the other direction without full closure, but i always come to find its what i should have done to save myself a lot of disappointment. i just can't seem to walk away when a rope tugs me backwards...but enough is enough, i'm tired of settling for less than i deserve.
i'm wiping the slate clean, picking my heart off the floor for myself only, and moving forward more confident and stronger than ever. just because this has been a rough few months does not mean that i'm weak and need taken care of.
I can handle myself... i'm stubburn, and independent. sure, everyone needs that friend that takes you out clubbing and makes you laugh the whole time to help you realize that just because things aren't swinging the right way for now, doesn't mean you can't still enjoy life. i get by with a little help from my friends, who this summer, have proven to be a lifeline i could never live without.my mother too ,of course, has been a woman of inspiration. She has gone through so much lately and has a whole lot of strength that anyone could easily admire. Its just her and I here, and we make a great team of impact.

so this is goodbye to those who have taken me down. sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
i have optimism, that at times may be blurred, but still always in perspective.
there is a future, and although its hard to see where its going, that is whats so beautiful about faith.

so i may be that single friend, who at every wedding gets drunk and makes out with the cute groomsman...so be it. life is too short to be anything but happy. and i plan on making the best of anything that is in store for me as i move forward.

you've got your ball, you've got your chain, tied to me tight, tie me up again

lost.

my mind is bursting with mixed emotions. you ever watch a disaster in the making, and want to stop it so bad...but all you can do is sit back and let it take its course.
well...i'm a beautiful disaster in the making.

i want pierre to come home now.
i want my father to take an interest in my life.
i want my stepmother to shut her mouth...and cash in her reality check.
i want my mom to realize how strong a woman she is
i want my brother to know how much i appreciate everything he does for me
i want my best friend to know what a huge mistake he is making and how much he's being lied to.
i want my high school friends to recognize the changes that are quickly happening
i want my college friends to know i'm always here for them
i want my ex's to leave me alone
i want money to grow on trees.
i want some sign that i'm heading in the right direction.

do you see a problem here?....."i want, i want, i want..."
its all so greedy, i'm all wrapped up in all my desires that i'm ignoring what i should be doing.


I need to appreciate that despite the distance, i have a loving stepfather in my life.
i need to thank God for the patience i have been blessed with to tolerate my stepmother.
i need to tell my mom how important she is by showing more responsibility.
i need to help my brother out the way he helps me.
i need to tell my best friend the truth, despite the betrayal i may encounter on the otherside
i need to make an initiative to take in the present rather than taking hesitance on the greater changes ahead.
i need to look forward to all the amazing memories i am going to make these next 3 years.
i need to let go of the boys from the past who have let me down, on more than one occasion.
i need to save my money.
i need to open my eyes to the obvious signs that have been placed before me everyday.

my strength has been tested a great deal this year.
pass or fail? i couldnt tell you. i think it must mean something for me to still be standing. i smile and keep humor despite the reality at hand. I couldn't possibly cry because thats simply too easy and i prefer a challenge.

i need a nice deep breath. a clean slate. i fresh perspective. a great escape. i have been in a position like this before...a desperate need to get my act together and plow through the barriers because after everything i've been through....there MUST be something remarkable on the other side.

all i can do now is make the jump.
i have enough support behind me no matter what the outcome.

"baby what did you expect me to do...just sit around and wait for you? well im through watching you skate around the truth"

caffeine high, excitement for dave matthews tonight, frustration with people, and long overdue need to vent....all add up to why i'm writing this morning.

i'm thriving in this new confidence that i seem to be portraying lately. I guess years of listening to bs and accepting people back into my life only for them to hurt me over and over again has caused me to snap. I know who i am, and i know who i'm not. I used to let others walk all over me because...hell lets face it...i'm too nice to ever say no. But It has come to the point where i have been taken advantage of for far too long and i just can't stand for all of the lies, betrayals, and peoples stupidity.

I'm not naive.
I'm not stupid.
I'm not weak.

I guess i just needed, of course, an escape from all the chaos to get it together and straighten myself back up. I'm so bored with all the predictability that others just act the way i expect them to. I can see through it all and i hate it. I wish all i could see what was on the surface because then i wouldn't get so mad at people who think they are getting away with their fake smile.

i'm not a know-it-all
I'm not full of answers
I'm not always truthful to myself

I always just seem to accept what life has handed me instead of fighting for what i deserve. I'm blessed with an incredible amount of patience and i just wait...thinking that fate will find its way. But it takes a competitive attitude and courage to fight for you want. everything does happen for a great reason.

I'm independent.
I'm stubborn
I never ask for help

I have so much to look forward to and so many great people in my life that are right behind me in every decision i ever make good or bad. I have tolerated too much bs in my past...but now that i realize what needs to change, i can finally stand up for myself. I'm not the girl i used to be.

I'm patient.
I'm tolerant.
I'm too nice

I need someone who will push me to be better, that brings the best out of me. I'm NOT waiting around for someone to decide whether i'm important enough to be a part of their life....when all along i knew from the start that they were worth every effort to be in mine. I always thought of myself as girlfriend material....but now i'm starting to think differently. I rely too much on myself and not enough on others to have an equal partnership.actually, the other day someone told me they could never see me with a boyfriend because i'm too independent and its intimidating.
I just can't seem to trust anyone enough to lay it out on the table with no fear of being left vulnerable. but i guess thats all part of the journey...learning that you need to take a risk in order for a great reward.

i can feel some great changes coming in the future. I always seem to rewind to my past, going back to the people, who at one point meant a great deal to me...and i just couldnt refuse having them in my life still. but sometimes, all though it may be extremely difficult....I need to let go.

so i have a lot of cleaning out to do, because i don't need anyone holding me back, ripping my strength to shreads, then leaving me stranded looking around for someone to help me back up.

i'm better than that.
i have sisters, family, and friends that will ALWAYS be there for me. and i can't loose sight of that. there is a bigger picture and i need to keep that frame of mind.

i'm wide awake and thinking of you..

[Picture of the UN in Haiti May 2008 ]

its time i become more responsible.
i keep holding on to my past as if it has a place in my future, but thats just too unrealistic.
just as they have moved on, i need to too.

i'm unpacking my emotional baggage, ridding myself of skeletons in the closet, taking a deep breath....and a huge step forward.
the bigger picture is always blocked by my perspective in hopes of what could possibly be, rather than what will actually become.

i keep looking for the physical touch of arms wrapped around me with great strength to catch me when my undying strength goes weak...and causes me to fall. BUT its important to realize that i don't need the arms of protection, but the words of wisdom that surround me to encourage my heart to keep thriving.
i've decided its time to place my heart on hold for a little while. its had so much wear and tear...honestly i don't think i could handle anymore until proper recovery is taken care of.

there are a few things that i'm doing wrong. looking for answers...and looking for answers in all the wrong directions.
there are people out there that care a great deal about me.

why is it that we adore the ones that hurt us, and ignore and hurt the ones that adore us? is it because we like the challenge of wanting something you cant have?

My eyes are fully wide open into the big picture. i forgot the word faith. it seems to have slipped my perspective. i believe that everything happens for a reason, that we find what we want when we least expect it....and most of all....that love will find its way. even if it takes a little longer than we had planned.
its time i continue to move forward, and in time, the ones who care will soon follow and find a place in my present and future. with all these recent deaths that have occured at my school i kind of got taken back. appreciate this hour, minute, second of breath. its a gift of life, and it would be a shame to have wasted it. never look back and go "what if..". whats done is done...live a life of no regret. unfortunately despite the tragedies that i have had to control and endure, the world spins madly on. i've never been great at catching up, but its certainly time that changes.

there are certain chapters in my life that i have to close the door to, and even though its going to be extremely difficult, i know its right. i've read my signs, and they read loud and clear. i can't wait to see the day that the tears will go away.

i feel like i'm always saying with optimism that everything is going to be ok, but then life throws me another curve ball. if anyone wonders where my trust has gone, just think back on everything i've had to encounter within the past year.

so to repeat my most important point to myself: remember that love and fate will always find its way. please be patient heather, you haven't been forgotten.

i loved you once but needed protection

i lost myself somehow within the past, well i'd say, year. with good reason of course. it was my first year in college, new friends, new sorority, new home. it was a time of great change and discover in who i am.
rarely do i ever think about writing in here anymore. i haven't picked up a paint brush or camera in what seems like forever. my depth is filling up with distraction. i need to fix this...because i'm distancing myself from truth.
so now every tuesday for the rest of the summer i'm taking a mixed media art class. hopefully this will help me get back in touch with what i once could call my passion.

i've also realized that in all these blog entries i always write that due to my past relationships, and adventures i've gone through...i just don't know how to trust anyone anymore. but i'm wondering now if thats really what the issue is.

maybe the person i should be concerned about trusting.... is myself.
i can't trust myself to make the right decisions...because i always end up choosing a challenge that gets me hurt.
i can't trust myself to not get so emotionally attached.
i can't trust myself to make sure that nothing blurs "the big picture" for my future.

I am my own disaster.
i HATE when people look after me, but to be honest, i need those extra pair of eyes watching. naturally being the stubburn and independent person that i am, i never listen. but i need to start opening my ears to advice, because sometimes an outer perspective helps guide me down the right direction.
i just feel misunderstood, i'm so tired of others thinking they have me all so figured out. because i am unbelievably unpredictable and act out of character all the time. how else can you keep life interesting?

i make mistakes. and i come off well reserved but you couldn't possibly imagine the millions of thoughts running through my mind with one simple conversation.

honestly...i just think i'm beyond frustrated with all the predictability that everyone plays off. nothing suprises me anymore. i see through all the lies, but play off like i believe the bs thats being fed to me. i wish i was too naive to have it all figured out. because sometimes what you don't know....can't hurt you.


i'm ready to make some changes. start reading the signs that have been boldly placed in front of me. and be the person that is deep inside ready to be exposed.

my love goes free

"Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty
is the face in the mirror looking back at you
you walk around here thinking your not pretty
but that's not true, cause I know you...

chorus
hold on, baby you're losing it
the waters high, your jumping into it
and letting go and no one knows
that you cry, but you don't tell anyone
that you might not be the golden one
and your tied together with a smile
but your coming undone

I guess it's true that love was all you wanted
cause you've given it away like it's extra change
hoping it will end up in his pocket
but he leaves you out like a penny in the rain
oh, cause it's not his price to pay
not his price to pay...

you're tied together with a smile
but you're coming undone..."


this is my song. tied together with a smile by taylor swift.
describes me perfectly.

i've come to realize many things these past few months:
i can't trust anyone to be there for me when i need them the most because i rely on the wrong people.
i can't believe anything anyone says because they turn around and act completely different.


i choose to dream big, and for that i gain consequences of let downs in expectations. i am going to be in paris someday working with fashion...because its what will make me happy. I am doing this for myself and i think that if i work hard enough..its possible. and thats all i need. and i believe that a reason why a number of people are not with me in the present is because they don't have a place in my future. they belong in the past..

i need to remember that i am a girl who preaches on faith and fate. everything happens for a reason and i need to accept reality as it stands. God has a plan for me...and i need to learn to trust this.


the stars are my stability and answers. they are blacking out..and really hard to see at this point.
God is the truth and where i should be turning for support, but i can't really hear what it is he is trying to tell me.

i am a mess and misunderstood. i need to get it together and focus on myself for a while. I give, i care, and I'm always nice...but in the end it just seems to never pay off. maybe i need to be a bitch? they seem to get what they want.

ok maybe not...but i need to know what it is that will get me smiling on my own again. because these stage i'm going through has got to go.

so mark my words now. this is a new start in optimism. i'm applying for internships and a job for next semester. i'm going to get this life back on track...and i will be happy!

your love is strong

I hold my perspectives, emotions, love, and heart all in the palm of my hand. I lend it all to the next person that passes by hoping they know how to take care of them.. because I don't.
This system apparently is flawed. No one can take care of me in proper condition. I slowly decay as I wait. my strength is wearing off as i'm bombarded with let downs in expectation. I can't look into anyones eyes because there is where truth waits. My truth screams from the hazel depths of my eyes trying to be heard but in fear are held back. The wall built around me keeps getting higher making it near impossible to let anyone in. I toss my love over with a rope hoping to pull in a believer.

Im out of place
misunderstood
used
and loved

I'm sick and tired of people expecting the worst from me. I don't hate...I don't hold a grudge...I don't blow up in people's faces...I don't do evil scheming...i don't do confrontation.
I hold my peace only to be heard when necessary. give me the facts. I can deal with facts...hurt me..then let me move on. Don't hold onto my hand causing me to dangle in trust only to be left in the end. Tell me the truth, tell me what your feeling, say what you need to say so that i'm not living in a feigned reality. is there no maturity alive anymore? I'm a laid back person who gets sensitive to pathetic betrayal, but forgives.

beauty comes in growth. God is testing me in more ways than I could imagine. I crawl with tears looking for my sign that its going to be ok. He is teaching me patience, beauty in friendships, peace with myself, and confidence to murder my fears. If there is one place i can lay my perspectives, emotions, love and heart...its within God's hands.

So here I go, standing back up, brushing off my past, and moving forward. Time moves quickly and I'm falling behind.

behind your eyes

well...its been over a month since i've written in here.guess i just got too busy for my own good.. obviously something must be on my mind to return back to my venting system of writing. so here i am.. exposing my weaknesses... proceed with care.

i have a problem of keeping my problems and emotions to myself... never asking for help when necessary. i gather words, predicaments, emotions, and desires over a period of time until i can't contain anymore that life has thrown at me... eventually leading to the breakdown weakening the strength to hold all the weight. i cry silent tears never to be seen by a public eye because that just shows i'm weak. why can't i ever just ask for a helping hand?! i slowly approach someone ready to spill my stories that i can't hold by myself...then quickly step back in some sort of fear.

maybe i don't want to be exposed.
maybe i don't want to be put in a vulnerable position of weak
maybe...i feel that if i say a problem out loud..it means its real.
maybe...its my lack of confidence that someone can handle with maturity all the situations i've ever been in.

i can't keep hiding..i realize its safer there.. but its also lonely.

for some reason i can't let anyone get too close. i desire so badly to be so close to someone that i could spill my world aspirations, dreams, and problems...but i back away. someone wraps their arms around me and i get uncomfortable..someone tries to help me and i get standoffish...someone sees my tears and i run the other way. i never want to rely on someone else for happiness...to feel ok about myself.


Over the past week i gained new sisters who would be there for me in any way they can, i live with a friend who no matter what...is always there for me, and two new friends that i live with who have become a family. my best friends, although separated by many miles, are only a phone call and listening ear away...and i never take advantage of all these supporters.

you can read a persons desires and feelings through their eyes. My favorite detail of the human...because here comes perspective. I have a way of plastering on a fake smile but scream with anticipation with my eyes hoping that someone can not just look at me, but through me.

i could use a hug. a caring hand to guide me the right way...because although i believe i'm strong enough to walk by myself..its a feigned reality.


when am i going to reach out? when will i let someone see behind my hazel eyes rather than at them? when will i be able to let someone get close to me emotionally and physically?

i won't run when it looks like love

I live a dream.
i'm too scattered for my own good
life is a challenge i live for embracing. bring on the hindrances....i'm fully ready to dominate.

life moves so fast with no time to catch up..theres so much i want to do, so many people i want to hang out with, so many tests i should spend quality time studying, so many events i want to attend, so many places i want to be.

reality check: i'm only one person, so here comes the choosing. what is it that is going to get me to my happiness? i want to pause and run around embracing each aspect of life.

dream: fashion designer in paris...bundles of money to take over the slack due to my stupidity, and the proper guidance to get me all of the above.

reality check: i can't afford life....but who says i can't be designer in france?

dream: im fully dressed ready to conquer with my shield on tight, no one is going to change how i feel about myself

reality check: i always come back, twisted in all sorts of directions crawling for a simple hand to pick me back up.

its hard to define the line between the ideal world i wish to take a part in and the reality thats placed right in front of me. Am i blind? because i just don't see it. living vicariously through the ones who live the life i wish i had. But i need to realize that what i have..is beautiful and i need to appreciate the good within the bad.

i wrote a while back...about those moments..that stops time, and you look back and feel the emotion and remember who you were with. well...i FINALLY had one.
driving down 441 windows down, beautiful day, sister hazel "change your mind" playing. and for that simple 60 seconds...life stopped..i looked around...and realized that once again..i can breath and smiled. that everything will be ok. with all the experiences i've had to accomplish, learn, and struggle through..if anything i now know that you just have to keep moving forward. because no matter who likes you, who doesnt, what mistakes you make, what accomplishments you've conquered...life still moves and you have to move with it.


reality check: life... is going to be just fine. and its just going to take a little patience and understanding to realize that everything happens for a reason. watch your signs...they are a lot bolder than you think.

the stars are blackening

i'm in a twisted perspective.
i don't know whether to cry or smile...be hopeful or pessimistic..dream or choose reality?
which part of my life am i going to allow to take over my existance?

i'm being blind to truth...and taking in the lies. listening to what i hear but not believing a single word of it. how do we really know what the truth is...even if we are the ones telling it? our minds are in their own territory and completely dominate our judgement.

enough said i think..short..but straight to the point of my wondering mind.

open your eyes

i can't breathe. its returning....that feeling of desperation to see light and have fresh perspective. i'm in over my head and need that hand i trust, desire, and need to pull me out from under all this chaos. my world is spinning around me at such a fast pace i can't keep up.
open your eyes heather...look into those that grasped your attention. take a deep glance into their past, needs, wants, and purpose for your pursuit..and question their intentions. never hold trust into an undeniable mistake. where do you go from here? whats the next step to make it all just be better? never leave your dreams and aspirations in the wrong place...don't lose them. glance over and leave before your left.

i don't recognize my priorities anymore because they are so clouded over with distractions. black and blue enhances the views...whats in store for my future. i feel like i'm back in high school dealing with the issues i never thought would follow me into college and slap the pursuit of happiness down with disappointment. expections ruin your outcomes..just enjoy the life you are given and take each action with a view of no consequence. thats the beauty about stepping forward, is you never know where it is it will lead you. life moves on with or without you...so you better keep going..you can get through this temporary loss of direction. You dont' have to have all the answers. its the journey in finding the truth that makes life worth living. don't give in to the temptations you don't desire..staying true to yourself is the inevitable reason for your existance. never become that one...that person that you never reach to be.

breath in. breath out. it will be ok..but i thnk its time i take a quick step back from all the commotion and realize my potential and what i deserve. to come back with a fresh outlook ready to make a wise decision on where i will lead myself.

look at this link
http://illbenearyou.blogspot.com/

go down to the escape one. thats me...my lesson taught to angie and anyone else that actually listens to me rave about life. i need to never forget that this is who i am, was, and should always be and keep that idea close to my heart.

picking up the pieces

this wierd feeling has just completely taken me over. i couldn't quite figure out what was happening to me..and then i realized..

this is it.

you can't hold, stop, protect, nor hide..the only way to take it over is to embrace.
ok so i'm sure i've confused the hell out of you already..but what i'm talking about is this is a transition of change. normally it doesn't slap you in the face like it has to me...but i can't help but notice this bridge i'm crossing into a step away from my past and present...and alternating my life into an unexpected future. i'm sitting here on my bed...looking at all my high school trophies...letters...corsages...everything that was once an ambition i had longed for. well..its over now...so where do i go from here?

in this room i've talked hours on the phone with those who in that moment were my world, i've prepared myself for dances such as prom, i filled out millions of college applications, heard the news of pierre's deportation, dreamed of the impossible, and hoped for the unattainable, rid myself of expectations, packed for world travels, and sat just as i am now...thinking too much, and doing too little.

well...i have a new town now, new friends, new sorority, new clothes, new dreams, new expectations...its all a change. bad? no not at all...but its different. i look at my reflection glancing at the person i have become and wonder how i got here.
well you know what it is? its the patience i've always complained i've had. i was constantly searching for happiness in people, different places, anywhere with anyone but myself. but..no matter where you go..you still have to take yourself with you. so without finding the happiness within...without the appreciation for who i am...i couldn't move anywhere. my feet cemented in the ground with my eyes gazing into others hoping they could see my scream for help...not retaining the realization that there was nothing they could do for me. so there i was...continuously in the same spot with no direction to go but backwards..trying to retrace my steps hoping i would find the happiness and satisfacory that i may have dropped somewhere. until i unpacked my emotional baggage and left them where they belonged...allowing me free to move forward with nothing to weigh me down.

so now...i continue on..with no one and no thing..but myself. its hard to leave at the high light moment...but now i can look back with a smile...and remember it was good.

the future is knocking on my door, and after much contemplation on whether i had the strength to answer it...i think that i'm as ready as i'll ever be. so on this path that my journey continues..i'm at a bend in the road where i turn a new direction... so here i go.

wish me luck.

stars are bright above me

(I'm a ZTA as of last night!)

some will search an entire eternity for that pureness that happiness gives you. the satisfaction of working so hard to place yourself on the right track...to turn the right direction..and actually have that outcome you visioned. well...

this complete warmth has taken me over body and soul. this past year...has been an adventure that has built me the strength and confidence that i needed to become who i am today. with no regrets to hide...i feel this sense of liberation to be who i am. and although it has been what felt like an endless journey..i can't say that i regret any of the experiences i've had to endure.

what have i learned?
that the best friends, no matter what hindrances come between you, will still be there for you in the end.
good memories are made when you leave the party at its high light moment...never linger around long enough for it to go downhill. (i'm speaking more metaphorically rather than figuratively on this one..)
that if you try hard enough...you can accomplish a goal. take the opportunities offered to you, embrace the invitations left out on the table.. accept a friendship. you'll be suprised that the people you meet help build your personality and open your eyes to the kind of person you truly are.
the best lesson i've learned.... sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. these are my favorite lyrics from a song. but..its a simple phrase with impossible understanding. i can't tell you how many people have made wrong decisions because they chose what was easy..rather than accepting the consequences of the difficult journey with a beneficial outcome. i'm a victim of this as well...but you learn.
precautions are being made...and looking out for the same signs i've fallen for before, taking off the blinders, and noticing that you can change your old ways.
i've also noticed that..i always felt that ive had to have particular people in my life to make me happy.. but this just isn't the case. you'll never find happiness without finding it in yourself first. and with this comes the ability to live without having to have the approval of another. this has been a 9 year endless journey...but now i know that if they can't love or like me for who i am..its ok. life moves on and so do I without them.

i was looking back at some pictures from high school compared to the ones in college and i noticed a simple difference. my smile is bigger, brighter, and meaningful. my eyes are genuine, graceful, and confident, and I look comfortable, happy, and hopeful.
small steps will eventually lead me to more dreams accomplished..next stop: paris!! ok...maybe not. but someday i'll return..and i'll stand at the top of the eiffel tower just as i did before...and i'll look at the problems i threw over the tower and notice how i've grown and climbed from the bottom.

so thank you stars for your stability, God for your blessings, and friends and family who always believed in me.
welcome reality. it feels good to have you here.

141 posts, 2 years, and 3 days of blogging.
this one website contains the growth, mistakes, opportunities granted, and opinions of just one person.
each tear, dream, smile and desire has graced across these keys and upon me as i write every entry.

i realize i haven't exactly been up to date on this, but my life has been running around me with no time to breath and my mind has been wrapped up in a dream, a false reality, a desire, maybe even a hope.

utopias.. a perfect world. but see..there is no such thing as this. my perception of perfection is definately different from everyone elses. because lets face it we are only human, and while our wishes may include helping those in need, it benefits yourself the most in the long run.

i keep having bits of these false senses that everything is ok, false sense of reality. I went to haiti to finally see my dad after 6 months...but it was only a visit. the goodbye with a return without him was where it tears at the heart.
or the father whose words "inconvenience" opened up the scar that i thought was healed.
or how about a boy who has my attention, past, present, and desire but only an hour and half of my time...and to return to reality without him.
or the best friends that live hours away...and can only be a support system on the phone line.
what is real? thats my hardest question yet...

in haiti there are the rich and then the extremely poor..the rich live behind walls of barbed wire, broken glass, and a 24/7 security guard. they drive through the rags of the country and pretend it doesn't exhist while entering their "utopia" by the beach of beauty and homes of wealth. well i feel like this is they way i live my life in a twisted way..

i choose not to percieve the reality and pretend its all ok. no, its not right, but there are just some problems you can't change and to deal or not deal with the consequences is just inevitable. now i'm not talking about poverty..i'm talking about the little facts that create your profile and life. on the outside everyone percieves you the way they want...its not until someone really gets to know me that they can truly see beyond my fake smile and desiring eyes.its frustrating, but i deal.


on the flip side my college life could not get anymore satisfying...with many new friends, not so great classes, and certainly a lot of potential...i couldn't be happier. its a process of building from scratch..and i think i did pretty well if i do say so myself. taking an interest in my better interest and using my new confidence to pave the way...it can only get better.