you turned away, but not to me

my last blog entry for 2006. it has officially been almost a year since i have started this blog. go ahead...take a look into my past. look at how my setting, my friends, my expectations, my dreams, my passion, my identity...has all shifted, i don't recognize the old me anymore. i don't deny that in just a year...i'm not the same person i was. matured? grown? yea but who hasn't. for me its the fact that i met myself. i learned who i was, what i want to do in life, what i love, what i hate. i'm no longer influenced by those around me. i stand my own ground, and whether that leaves me to battle it out on my own, i'm finally ok with that. i have to learn to be confident enough in myself to be able to love another.

2006...you broke my heart, gave me hope, crushed me, made me feel unstoppable, made me feel inferior, its been a bumpy ride. do i regret any of it? of course not. life is built on experience, and although i didn't know it at the time, every painful moment when feel like your stomach just jumped into your throat and you can hardly breathe..well this was only a small price to pay. the pain only makes the relief seem exasperating. this is is just the beginning. i don't think that my mind ever stopped ticking. trying to find the profound statement behind each incident.

apathy: the necessities to moving on. denial, anger, love, jealousy...those are all emotions. and until those are non-existent, there is still an emotional attachment to someone. this was probably my biggest lesson this year. learning to let go and move on. but in order to do so...i had to feel apathy.. its such an abating feeling when your able to discharge yourself from these feelings that inhibited you from living.

well if you got a glimpse of my last blog entry before i saved it from being public, you know that i'm done with expectations. so let me just explain the chaotic year ahead: 2007!

18th birthday

spain/france trip

my niece is born


graduation


going to college




only a few things but very big events. nothing my family can't handle...trust me we've had busier years. so i predict (not expecting) a year of maturity. going to be living on my own, become a legal adult, pursue my future. so lets get down to the new years resolutions shall we...





• 
  
  don't let other people control my emotions on how i feel about myself.


• 
  
  try and actually save my money instead of constantly spending it.


• 
  
  don't live in fear, to live in fear is to not live at all.


• 
  
  don't get a broken heart (ha just thought id throw that in there but its impossible...part of life)


• 
  
  don't go back..only move forward.


• 
  
  get my grades up (typical new years resolution for the past 10 years)


• 
  
  pursue what i want, no matter what the obstacles may be. lets not get lazy anymore.


• 
  
  remember... your never alone.



yup. that pretty much sums it up. its going to be a huge undertaking in 2007. big changes. i just have to make sure that I override each barricade that looks me in the eyes. i'm stronger than i look. so bring it on 2007, i'm ready... destiny is calling me.

"So take these words and sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again
I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just the chance that maybe we'll find better days "

let love in

"I was your anger. and you were my fear. Now that it's over, of course it's so clear. But you were no angel, and i was no sin. somehow i can't let it go"



so i have been pondering "love" for a while. its a common issue for a lot of people right now. some are believers in it, some aren't. personally, i think love exists. its like faith, just because you can't see it, doesn't mean its not there. the only thing you can do is feel love.
such a powerful 4 letter word.
frustrating that people just throw it out there like its no big deal, but it is. and in the hands of the wrong person, love can turn out to be devastating.
there are different kinds of love: the love you have for your family, the love you have for your friends, the love you have for an activity, love for your significant other, temporary love for the rebound. the most rare love of all is the everlasting love. thats a tough one for me to pretend exists. after my parents divorce, and my brothers divorce...watching people fall out of love really hurt my belief in a love that lasts. but then again, theres my grandparents. 53 years they have been married, and sure their love has changed slightly, but its still there. that is the rarest and most precious type of relationship to have. you never hear of such a thing today. divorces...separations, always seem common after a marriage. does love really die though? or just go dormant...
&& there are no limits, no rules, no science, no boundaries to where it can go. Love can make you do the unthinkable. love either feels amazing, or catastrophic. turns you upside down and flips you over.

yup, love. you either hate it, or have passion for it.

i couldn't tell you how i feel about it.
i've been told that i'm just a sappy romantic. i guess thats my problem...separating the dream from reality.

you put your heart on a shelf..

"Life is lived forwards, and understood backwards"

there it is, the quote that sums it up. things are looking up, but its still not where i want to be. i'm in my transition state, which has lasted oh...6 months. i don't know what it is i am looking for, but i just can't seem to be satisfied. i know that tomorrow, i will understand today.

i went running yesterday after swim, and i thought ok...ill go run a mile or something then go home and study for my psych exam. no no...i kept running and running. went over 4 miles and realized that i had to go home and start studying. the thing is, i just had to get my frustration out some how with my family, myself, my friends, my school work, and other things that i wish i didn't have to deal with. i just wanted to keep running farther and farther, and i knew i would have to turn back eventually but i just couldn't do it. that's what i keep doing with all my escapes, you can keep running heather, but when you return your problems are still there. i just kept seeing the face of my unhappiness. the face of where i put all my emotions when i shouldn't. out of site out of mind is what i like best. if i don't see the problem in front of me, well then it doesn't exist.

i want real!! i'm so tired of these fake persona's that i can see right through. people don't think i catch on, i do, i just don't say anything. should i ? well maybe, but when i do i just get contradicted, so why bother. theres no escaping fake. it will always be there.

i have almost had this blog for an entire year. in just two weeks i'm going to be 18. am i different? most definitely. i have changed so much within just a short of amount of time. the people that are in my life have too.

i wasn't this same person i am today. today...and tomorrow and the next day. with each experience i have learned from my mistakes, crap happens. but you just have to move on, dwelling on it...is not going to make it any better. letting go of what makes you miserable is what will lead to your happiness. keep going and don't look back.

going back to the quote from the beginning, i don't understand a lof of what is happening to me right now, but in the future it will be obvious. for the first time in a year, i really don't understand myself. i'm so unsure of what i'm capable of.

my time will come.

i just hope its soon..

where are you now?

**** this.
(um i would type it out but this computer is tracked.)

i'm tired of fake...i want to see more real.
i'm tired of boys.
i'm tired of the same stuff, because its the same story from every single one.

and this isn't directed towards what guys have done to me...its directed towards what they have told me they have done to other girls.

you use them and take advantage of the fact that they are there just to temporarily satisfy that lonely feeling because you don't have the girl you want or a girl at all.
but i guess us girls are just too naive right?
wrong, they just refuse to believe it and convince themselves otherwise.

so basically, guys and girls, we are all in the same place. trying to satisfy that lonely state, despite who its with.
because girls...they arn't innocent either.


wow.


ok. so... tomorrow i'll probably feel completely different. i'm just a little frustrated by this.
just be honest with yourself and others...it would be so much easier.
sure you feel like crap sometimes...but its just a transition stage, it can only get better. pretending...faking it. it only builds up more tension and problems that you donnt need.

i'm done venting this... for now.

new co champions

so i don't think that this break could come at a better time...

i nnneeeeed to get away from here

i had a great friday night! good saturday, and fun with the girls while going to the game. but when i was there, i just looked around and it was the same people, same complications, same tension, and immaturity at its finest. i realize that its absolutely ridiculous that we tied for state...but throwing trash into the field is no way to prove a point. its immature annd rude. i was ashamed to be a part of my school at that point. what was worse was a former graduate...a guy..hit one of my best friends. i guess his prick attitude didn't change after graduating from this school. is this how its going to be for a lot of the students? are a lot of them never going to change their ways? i really thought i had my high school wrong, which is why i gave the game a chance. but it just proved my point. oh well. 6 months, then i can let go, and move on.

i have so much work to do. once its all done..i'm out of here.

its just a little too late

just when you think you have problems...

i went to the disabled childrens holiday party, and i realized that thats what christmas is really about. screw the presents, i don't need them. these children, dispite their problems, can't stop smiling. it crushed my heart thinking that just an hour before going i was thinking about all these ridiculous problems i had and now that i think of it, yes they're still there, but they definitely don't seem like such a big deal. life's too short to be anything but happy.

its time for me to let go.

oh &

advice for a select few:

grow up & stop being shallow. the real world is passing you by, and personally, i intend to live it to its full potential, and not hold back for a social status. if that means that i have to leave you behind, then so be it. i'm always here for the unappreciative. its time i move on to those who care.

thank you to those who have really been there for me this past week, you have no idea how much it has ment to me.

i have more to write...but too much hmwk and projects to do.

i'm almost alive, i need you to try and save me

finally, the time has come. 3 months it has taken..maybe more. but no more of this, i declare from this very moment that everything will get better. so being grounded this weekend, it did suck, BUT. it turns out, it was one of the best things that happened to me in a long time, i know it sounds crazy...but its true. because of this grounding, i found the answers i've been looking for. i even got back into painting a little bit, since i had nothing else i could do. i've been on some sort of soul search for the past couple of months, i took a turn for the worst. i felt like i was in a maze that had no ending. i kept taking the wrong turns, asking the wrong people for directions, depending on the wrong person to help me, expecting that i could do it on my own. there is something thats missing, and i figured that i could search for the answer, thinking that it had to come from someone else, but i was seriously wrong. the only person that can give me the answer...is myself. yes, i did need another person to help guide...but in the end, i had to reach this conclusion on my own.

i went through a phase of serious frustration. i'm always there for everyone, i help others, and i do it, not because i should, but because i want to. i want to be there for my friends, and i don't ever ask for anything in return. well...i hit a low of having to. i was drowning here, and i was reaching my hand to the surface hoping someone would see it and grab it, but no one did. i needed someone to be there for me, and then everyone disappeared. well thats fine, because eventually, i found my hero and she grabbed my hand and saved me from my pool of emotions that i was drowning in.

so i've found a fascination with star gazing lately, when i went to the cabin with some people a while back, we looked at the stars from the mountains;they were breath taking, i've seriously never seen so many stars. and i looked up for answers, i looked up with an empty heart. i wasn't satisfied, so i snuck out at 2am a couple weeks ago and looked up at the stars on ebenezer road, with 2 good friends and still...I looked up with question. i had a complete look of fear, fear that i would never get to where it is i want to be. then......tonight i came home late from a friends house and looked up at the stars by myself, all i could do was smile.

thats what i've been waiting for.

sure its not exactly the happiness i really want, but its a start.

my senior quote in the yearbook says "forever is never to long to wait for something perfect" and i constantly repeat it; thats because nothing could be further from the truth. it is going to get better, and next weekend....i will make sure will live up to my expectations. no more let downs...no! not this year.

pain throws your heart to the ground, love turns the whole thing around

so even though i was suppose to be doing homework...and such.

pride and the prejudice was on and well i couldn't resist, its one of my favs. and after watching it, i realized i must have been born in the wrong generation, 18th century England is where its at. passion is what this generation is lacking. i know i've lost it, i haven't painted in about a year. i have an empty sketch book sitting on my nightstand that hasn't been touched. no one appreciates what is right there in front of them. guys no longer respect girls, they are just a trophie. girls have become so insecure that they feel that wearing the least amount of clothes possible makes them the ultimate. ok so maybe 18th century is a little too far back, i'd gladly take the era of the notebook. love how i'm relating real life to romantic movies. i guess i just wish i could be in the time when girls wore dresses all the time and guys liked girls for who they were, not for their social status or what they wore, etc. back when real love exhisted. i know love is here now, but people are becoming lazy. no more big romantic gestures to get the girl, divorces keep happening left and right, cheating bastards wonder the streets. whats the point of marrying someone if your not willing to spend the rest of your life with this person. lame thats all i have to say. life just isn't appreciated like it used to be. don't get me wrong, i like to party and have a good time. sure i'm up for the occasional hook ups, but in the long run...what is it thats going to fill that empty spot? these temporary fillings are not going to fill that cavity. people , myself included, keep making these mistakes that from the beginning looked like a good idea, and you thought it would help you get rid of that gap, but it just doesn't satisfy like the real thing. time to think it through, time to go with that gut instinct.

ugh..i think too much.

" the heart of life is good"

broken

i'm tired.
i'm weak.

this is not like me at all. no one would know what i'm really feeling because...i hide it. i don't like to show my emotional side a lot. i guess thats why i love this blog, because i just write everything thats on my mind, everything that i'm feeling and its not the same as talking to someone, but it helps just to put it all out there. its interesting to read these later and i always wonder why i was upset at something so small.

well this is a much bigger deal. and i've come to realize that there is just something missing. a hole that needs to be filled, and i keep trying to place all these pieces to the puzzle in the wrong spot. i can't complete the picture, and its frustrating because i really want to know when i can get it together, when i can see what it is that i was missing all along. i think i know whats missing, i just refuse to believe it. and although i can obviously see that the pieces don't go , i still try to jam them together anyway, having to make the mistakes that i knew i was going to make.

its time that i get some good sleep. focus for the next 3 weeks...and then winter break will be here before i know it. then its the greatest break ever, hopefully it will live up to my expectations. theres no more room for disappointment right now.

time to stop letting other people control my emotions.

i can do it. just need a little faith in myself. that's all.

confidence would be a nice thing to have right now.

"Didn't you want to hear

The sound of all the places we could go

Do you fear The expressions on the faces we don't know

It's a cold hard road when you wake up

And I don't think that

I Have the strength to let you go "

invisible

its all very clear to me now.

congrats! you really had me fooled...

as a matter of fact, you probably don't even realize this is directed towards you.

the prettiest things are sometimes the dangerous things

you can always run but you can't always get away.

although i think i can hide from the issues, or delay them, they are still there. so its time i stop complaining in a blog, and do something about it. just 3 weeks...3 lonnng weeks.

&&& on another subject:

i'm waiting for the big romantic gesture.

the proof that maybe there is still hope in the male gender.

don't worry boys, i haven't lost all faith... yet.

so i was reading this persons blog...and um im going to pull an angie and quote someone else. "searching for happiness takes more time and its not an over night process.and you cant find happiness if you dont let go of the things that hold you down or pull you back.life is about moving forward and sometimes people get left behind.so open your eyes because you are bound to get hurt sometime.and the things that hurt make you stronger and less vulnerable for next time. fate becomes obvious in the long run.but you have to open your eyes, make the change, and take the steps."

i def. could not have said it better myself. kind of wierd considering i don't know this person, but his wording was exactly what point i've been trying to get out in the past couple of blog entries. basically i know i will find what i'm looking for, this is just a transition period. the gravel road before the paved. it will get easier, it will stop being hurtful, it will get better.

oh and somehow i figured out how to put music on here..so um enjoy.

<3

when your dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part

so here is what my blog would have sounded like:

how can someone who is never alone...feel so lonely? everything that i've done lately has been so unappreciated. everyone knows that i'm always going to be there for them, and so they take advantage of it. i'm not a door mat, i just care, and am willing to do anything for my friends. I never ask for anything in return, its just the duties of friendship. what is disappointing, is that when i'm in need of help, you don't notice, nor do you help. you ditch me, thinking that i'll always be there when you bounce back. i'm apparently not always good enough, theres someone better. well i say...thats your loss not mine. status is just a word, not who you are. i know who i am, i know where i'm going in life, i know...that i will accomplish great things when i put my mind to it, and the only people worth sharing my life with, are those who actually take an interest in me and don't look down on me. the ones who will help me talk through an issue, and be there for me when i really need someone. I am not the type to ask for help, its a hard thing for me to do. i always think that i can dominate these obstacles alone, its in my pride. but there comes a time when you come crashing down and you just need someone to be there when your at your worst. and few people have really been that shoulder for me to lean on this year. it seems that we all have our head in the clouds, stressing about unimportant social issues or the important fear of our future. well, i am one to live in each moment. well, whos with me? whos willing to be spontanious and make the absolute best of this life that we only have one issue of? whos willing to stop social climbing, and just be appreciative of the friends that you have rather than depending on aquintances that lack the true connection of a good friendship.

yes, these were all my thoughts prior to my drive home

do you notice a word that is mentioned a lot in that paragraph? the word "me".

i was driving home and i looked through the window of the ambulance in front of me. i saw this little girl in there, just starring back at me. she was in the bed, with a look of absolute fear in her eyes. she kept looking at her father who was kneeling beside the bed praying and trying to be brave for his little girl. she was looking at him for re-assurance that everything was going to be ok. that she will get through this.

and i realized thats what i keep doing, looking around trying to find someone to give me the confidence that i need to know that i can get through this. i need to start focusing my attention to people who will appreciate my care. there are others out there that really do need help, and are also looking for the brave eyes to look into. there are people out there who could really use my helping hand, that little girl in the ambulance for example, and i'm going to find a way to give it.

i just need to start directing my focus somewhere else for a while. maybe, this way..i wont get hurt. i love my life...but also...

there is nothing wrong with the want to be wanted.

<3