what a beautiful smile

i guess i'm on a roll lately when it comes to my blog... guess there's just a lot to think about. so here it goes..


re·pres·sion [ri-presh-uhn] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. the act of repressing; state of being repressed.
2. Psychoanalysis. the rejection from consciousness of painful or disagreeable ideas, memories, feelings, or impulses.

being the pre-psychology major student that i am...it is bound to happen sooner or later that i incorporate what i have learned. well...repression is something i have been informed of earlier in the year. why does it come to mind all of the sudden? probably because of a break down i had with a friend last night that came out of no where. Little did i realize how much my father has an impact on me. I have all of this built up anger and hurt, and i've never come out and said all of what i feel to him..so i repress these thoughts until eventually my concious is aware of the unconcious. These "feelings" take over..and i just can't control them. We all have our own little family secrets, they are the quiet things that no one else knows. We as the children feel as if it is our obligation to fix them.And with this sense of obligation comes frustration and burdens that we take on...that we shouldn't because although we feel the obligation...they are not our problems to fix.
I finally understand what it is that keeps me from feeling appreciated from any guy...why i have such a grudge. Silly to think that a dad can impact your future relationships...but he does. I always felt as if i was never important or good enough to him, and so i have this need to assure myself that i'm good enough for any other guy...or friends. This isn't right at all. I shouldn't let people control how i feel about myself. I'm told over and over that i'm amazing and beautiful..yet it doesn't stick. until i can appreciate myself..it is difficult to realize that there are those who do appreciate me and what i do for them. What i do for people i do as an act of kindness...its not my obligation. But there are those who go out on a limb for me, and they also deserve this appreciation. I guess what has gone on with my dad...is a much bigger problem than i thought. Its a strange feeling to have your unconcious take over.
this is a blog entry mostly for myself...and probably difficult for some to relate too. But completely necessary to be written.