you put your heart on a shelf..

"Life is lived forwards, and understood backwards"

there it is, the quote that sums it up. things are looking up, but its still not where i want to be. i'm in my transition state, which has lasted oh...6 months. i don't know what it is i am looking for, but i just can't seem to be satisfied. i know that tomorrow, i will understand today.

i went running yesterday after swim, and i thought ok...ill go run a mile or something then go home and study for my psych exam. no no...i kept running and running. went over 4 miles and realized that i had to go home and start studying. the thing is, i just had to get my frustration out some how with my family, myself, my friends, my school work, and other things that i wish i didn't have to deal with. i just wanted to keep running farther and farther, and i knew i would have to turn back eventually but i just couldn't do it. that's what i keep doing with all my escapes, you can keep running heather, but when you return your problems are still there. i just kept seeing the face of my unhappiness. the face of where i put all my emotions when i shouldn't. out of site out of mind is what i like best. if i don't see the problem in front of me, well then it doesn't exist.

i want real!! i'm so tired of these fake persona's that i can see right through. people don't think i catch on, i do, i just don't say anything. should i ? well maybe, but when i do i just get contradicted, so why bother. theres no escaping fake. it will always be there.

i have almost had this blog for an entire year. in just two weeks i'm going to be 18. am i different? most definitely. i have changed so much within just a short of amount of time. the people that are in my life have too.

i wasn't this same person i am today. today...and tomorrow and the next day. with each experience i have learned from my mistakes, crap happens. but you just have to move on, dwelling on it...is not going to make it any better. letting go of what makes you miserable is what will lead to your happiness. keep going and don't look back.

going back to the quote from the beginning, i don't understand a lof of what is happening to me right now, but in the future it will be obvious. for the first time in a year, i really don't understand myself. i'm so unsure of what i'm capable of.

my time will come.

i just hope its soon..