well...its been over a month since i've written in here.guess i just got too busy for my own good.. obviously something must be on my mind to return back to my venting system of writing. so here i am.. exposing my weaknesses... proceed with care.
i have a problem of keeping my problems and emotions to myself... never asking for help when necessary. i gather words, predicaments, emotions, and desires over a period of time until i can't contain anymore that life has thrown at me... eventually leading to the breakdown weakening the strength to hold all the weight. i cry silent tears never to be seen by a public eye because that just shows i'm weak. why can't i ever just ask for a helping hand?! i slowly approach someone ready to spill my stories that i can't hold by myself...then quickly step back in some sort of fear.
maybe i don't want to be exposed.
maybe i don't want to be put in a vulnerable position of weak
maybe...i feel that if i say a problem out loud..it means its real.
maybe...its my lack of confidence that someone can handle with maturity all the situations i've ever been in.
i can't keep hiding..i realize its safer there.. but its also lonely.
for some reason i can't let anyone get too close. i desire so badly to be so close to someone that i could spill my world aspirations, dreams, and problems...but i back away. someone wraps their arms around me and i get uncomfortable..someone tries to help me and i get standoffish...someone sees my tears and i run the other way. i never want to rely on someone else for happiness...to feel ok about myself.
Over the past week i gained new sisters who would be there for me in any way they can, i live with a friend who no matter what...is always there for me, and two new friends that i live with who have become a family. my best friends, although separated by many miles, are only a phone call and listening ear away...and i never take advantage of all these supporters.
you can read a persons desires and feelings through their eyes. My favorite detail of the human...because here comes perspective. I have a way of plastering on a fake smile but scream with anticipation with my eyes hoping that someone can not just look at me, but through me.
i could use a hug. a caring hand to guide me the right way...because although i believe i'm strong enough to walk by myself..its a feigned reality.
when am i going to reach out? when will i let someone see behind my hazel eyes rather than at them? when will i be able to let someone get close to me emotionally and physically?
1 comment:
i can completely relate to what youre saying. there are so many things id like to be able to tell to others, so much so that i even plan out what kinds of things i might say, only to shy away when the opportunity does arise. but something i have learned is that there is a difference between what you should and shouldnt let out, and the things you should be letting out MUST be let out, otherwise they'll follow you for as long as you let them.
i hope all is well
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