Ever feel blinded? I'm not talking in a literal sense. I'm talking about perspective. You see only what you want to see, you vision things you hope you see, and sometimes...you see a completely distorted image all together.
ready for depth of honesty?
I am blind.
I look in the mirror and I see failure. I see a liar. I see a girl who was always told she will never be good enough... believe what she is told. I work obsessively in the gym hoping to perfect the exterior, because I am in control of how my body looks. but, no matter how hard I work I can only see the same weak/ugly exterior. And I could never understand until now. Its because although I may be alternating my surface, my interior is the one in need of a makeover. My confidence is restricted. My regrets are swelling. My love is depleting. My hopes are diminishing.
I have placed the mask of perfection and draped it over myself hoping that no one could ever see what was truly underneath. I preach of a life I wish I understood myself. Been told my blog is a step of inspiration, which is why I started to write this from the start. I was hoping someone could understand what I'm trying to say and was able to give me the answers I'm striving to see clearly. Because I am blind.
Ever think its possible to be in a great place in your life but to be unhappy doing so? Am I wasting time working on me by missing out on things I used to enjoy? I'm behaving, I don't go out very much anymore, I work out everyday, I got blonder, shopped for new clothes, school has become a main focus, as well as what particular priorities I had placed on the side so that I could enjoy life. I believe my frustration is that I don't know how long I am going to be in this "under construction mode".
Maybe as the flowers of spring bloom I will bloom with them. I'm in search for no one but myself. is it ok to be selfish to do so? I feel as though I'm almost running in place. My whole life I had worked soo hard to be good enough for my high school infatuation, be good enough for my dad hoping he would notice me and be more of a father figure and take interest in my life, to be good enough for my mom so she would be proud to call me her successful daughter, to be good enough for the step-monster so she would stop ruining my self esteem, to be good enough for my first love, to be good enough for my friends.
don't you think its about time I work hard to be good enough for myself? to have pride in who I am without the slightest doubt in what people think.
it is time to do. 21 years later and I think I might be getting the hang of this whole living for yourself thing.
To say that my life is a complicated mess rightnow is an understatement. I am trying to gain perspective in who I am and what I want.
the optimism in this blog post is this: I finally am gaining respect from someone I thought would never change. My study abroad to Paris is finally a plausible opportunity thanks the shadow who finally decided to step up to the plate and gain some perspective into who I am and where this person must take part.
I was only fooling myself into thinking I was over it all. In the midst of it all, I still remain an open heart, open mind.
but in the mean time..its me. Its all about me..and for the first time I don't feel selfish saying so.
as long as I can dream...anything is possible.
<3
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