whenever i run, instead of running into the blue, i follow my heart

look at this photo. I took it when i was approaching the eiffel tower in the spring for the very first time. after a month of ups and downs i stood at the top of the tower and threw my problems away. told myself that this was a "moment" in which i need to remember that there are bigger things in life to look forward too, and dreams really can come true. I had dreamt of going to paris for years..the city of love and sophistication. a place that one day i hope i get to live even for just a little bit.

do you ever just wish you could just have a good cry...get everything out of your system.
i never cry around anyone...it just feels like a sign of weakness to me. I've always been told that i'm strong, classy, and a girl with her head on straight. thats the way i'm percieved...what if its not the way i feel?
if anything i feel weak, lost, confused, sloppy and in a desperate search for closure and escapes to get me through it all. I think this week/ month/ year has moved at such a fast pace..with me moving faster. and now as things are NOT slowing down, but catching up, the reality is hitting me, and it is hitting me hard. and although i'm trying to stand, i am on my knees crawling. i don't want help, i don't want sympathy...i want it to be ok. i want to go through a day where i'm not lazy to accomplish a goal, where my motivation is consistant, the outcomes worth the effort, and a desire satisfied. there is obviously no stability in life..you can never predict the outcome of another day. we obviously all have our problems, and its not to be weighted on a scale...because although they may not seem extreme in your existance, it can be in theirs. I go through phases of confidence to speak my mind...to say what i'm thinking...to say what i want. and then there are times where i open my mouth and nothing comes out, i search in my mind for an answer and i can't find one, where i feel vulnerable and exposed.
thats the word...exposed. its hard putting your thoughts out there when you never had a positive result. why would i repeat an act that leaves me in an out of comfort zone that has always gotten me hurt.
am i ruined? have i been trained to think that thats always the way its going to be? that there is not such thing as "forever". why go in for a temporary happiness that results in a longer upset. confidence is attractive to anyone...and over the years i'm decreasing it for so many reasons i can't even explain. or maybe its the increase confidence that i have for independence, because i obviously have a hard time letting anyone in...and trusting in them. there are very few arms that i feel will catch me when i fall..and are strong enough to carry my emotional baggage that follows behind.


i want an escape... lay out wrapped up in a blanket ...and search the stars for answers. pefect.