" spend all your time waiting...for that second chance..for that break that will make it ok..theres always a reason to not feel good enough"

honestly i don't feel like writing, but my brain capacity can no longer hold the ten thousand thoughts that are spinning through my head.

i've made a great deal of mistakes this year, ones i'm not proud of. i was running around acting like the victim, when in the end i was getting a taste of my own medicine, trying to prove a point. i made impossible situations a priority to work, so that once again, i wouldn't be let down. i've tried to savor friendships with what i thought was great effort, but in the end was little effort at all. i let myself cave into lies..trying to fool myself into a feigned reality, trying to see the best out of a desperate situation.

i was heart broken

i broke hearts

i lied

i was lied to

i faked a smile

I was fooled into a fake smile


question is...in the end...who wins? the pot or the kettle?

fortunately this is a new year...the 3rd year of this blog actually...and all i can do is make better decisions, keep my strength, remain confident...and stop fooling myself and being played a fool. I have good judgement on every situation yet i insist on ignoring the obvious signs to walk away and continue to see the trouble down to the last strand of pride. i know who i am, what i want. i keep trying to save everyone, not focusing on the fact that i'm the one who actually needs the saving. I always thought that in order to be happy, i needed somone to encourage it. but the only person who can make me happy is myself. i have so many goals and places i intend on taking my life, that the journey along the way is where i build the life i will love. and once i finally build this life...i can share it. until then, i'm just along for the ride. i always believed in fate, and i know that God will guide me to the people and the places that are meant to make an impact on me. every person, every action, every journey serves a purpose in building my future and me as a whole.

i find my satisfaction in my dreams, my hopes, and my desires. without them, i have nothing to look forward to. At the end of the day, i have an amazing group of people in my life that love and support me no matter what problems i'm going through or what risk i'm about to take.

this month away from school has been a great strength builder, and has made turning my back to my past so much easier. i can only hope that i remain as strong as i feel, and that strength is embedded in the decisions i'm about to make. I hate to admit there were a lot of tears this month, but it was only a reality check into how valuable life is...and all the growth ive gone through with past relationships and age. some situations are out of our hands, and its best to make the most of whats left...and keep walking. because believe it or not....life goes on..and if you lag, you'll get behind.

my biggest decision yet is where i plan on being next year. but that...well thats just a whole other blog entry all together. time to call it a night.


heres to the new year....
new challenges
new friendships
new relationships
new opportunities...
new mistakes

let God and fate guide my way.