you turned away, but not to me

my last blog entry for 2006. it has officially been almost a year since i have started this blog. go ahead...take a look into my past. look at how my setting, my friends, my expectations, my dreams, my passion, my identity...has all shifted, i don't recognize the old me anymore. i don't deny that in just a year...i'm not the same person i was. matured? grown? yea but who hasn't. for me its the fact that i met myself. i learned who i was, what i want to do in life, what i love, what i hate. i'm no longer influenced by those around me. i stand my own ground, and whether that leaves me to battle it out on my own, i'm finally ok with that. i have to learn to be confident enough in myself to be able to love another.

2006...you broke my heart, gave me hope, crushed me, made me feel unstoppable, made me feel inferior, its been a bumpy ride. do i regret any of it? of course not. life is built on experience, and although i didn't know it at the time, every painful moment when feel like your stomach just jumped into your throat and you can hardly breathe..well this was only a small price to pay. the pain only makes the relief seem exasperating. this is is just the beginning. i don't think that my mind ever stopped ticking. trying to find the profound statement behind each incident.

apathy: the necessities to moving on. denial, anger, love, jealousy...those are all emotions. and until those are non-existent, there is still an emotional attachment to someone. this was probably my biggest lesson this year. learning to let go and move on. but in order to do so...i had to feel apathy.. its such an abating feeling when your able to discharge yourself from these feelings that inhibited you from living.

well if you got a glimpse of my last blog entry before i saved it from being public, you know that i'm done with expectations. so let me just explain the chaotic year ahead: 2007!

18th birthday

spain/france trip

my niece is born


graduation


going to college




only a few things but very big events. nothing my family can't handle...trust me we've had busier years. so i predict (not expecting) a year of maturity. going to be living on my own, become a legal adult, pursue my future. so lets get down to the new years resolutions shall we...





• 
  
  don't let other people control my emotions on how i feel about myself.


• 
  
  try and actually save my money instead of constantly spending it.


• 
  
  don't live in fear, to live in fear is to not live at all.


• 
  
  don't get a broken heart (ha just thought id throw that in there but its impossible...part of life)


• 
  
  don't go back..only move forward.


• 
  
  get my grades up (typical new years resolution for the past 10 years)


• 
  
  pursue what i want, no matter what the obstacles may be. lets not get lazy anymore.


• 
  
  remember... your never alone.



yup. that pretty much sums it up. its going to be a huge undertaking in 2007. big changes. i just have to make sure that I override each barricade that looks me in the eyes. i'm stronger than i look. so bring it on 2007, i'm ready... destiny is calling me.

"So take these words and sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again
I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just the chance that maybe we'll find better days "

let love in

"I was your anger. and you were my fear. Now that it's over, of course it's so clear. But you were no angel, and i was no sin. somehow i can't let it go"



so i have been pondering "love" for a while. its a common issue for a lot of people right now. some are believers in it, some aren't. personally, i think love exists. its like faith, just because you can't see it, doesn't mean its not there. the only thing you can do is feel love.
such a powerful 4 letter word.
frustrating that people just throw it out there like its no big deal, but it is. and in the hands of the wrong person, love can turn out to be devastating.
there are different kinds of love: the love you have for your family, the love you have for your friends, the love you have for an activity, love for your significant other, temporary love for the rebound. the most rare love of all is the everlasting love. thats a tough one for me to pretend exists. after my parents divorce, and my brothers divorce...watching people fall out of love really hurt my belief in a love that lasts. but then again, theres my grandparents. 53 years they have been married, and sure their love has changed slightly, but its still there. that is the rarest and most precious type of relationship to have. you never hear of such a thing today. divorces...separations, always seem common after a marriage. does love really die though? or just go dormant...
&& there are no limits, no rules, no science, no boundaries to where it can go. Love can make you do the unthinkable. love either feels amazing, or catastrophic. turns you upside down and flips you over.

yup, love. you either hate it, or have passion for it.

i couldn't tell you how i feel about it.
i've been told that i'm just a sappy romantic. i guess thats my problem...separating the dream from reality.

you put your heart on a shelf..

"Life is lived forwards, and understood backwards"

there it is, the quote that sums it up. things are looking up, but its still not where i want to be. i'm in my transition state, which has lasted oh...6 months. i don't know what it is i am looking for, but i just can't seem to be satisfied. i know that tomorrow, i will understand today.

i went running yesterday after swim, and i thought ok...ill go run a mile or something then go home and study for my psych exam. no no...i kept running and running. went over 4 miles and realized that i had to go home and start studying. the thing is, i just had to get my frustration out some how with my family, myself, my friends, my school work, and other things that i wish i didn't have to deal with. i just wanted to keep running farther and farther, and i knew i would have to turn back eventually but i just couldn't do it. that's what i keep doing with all my escapes, you can keep running heather, but when you return your problems are still there. i just kept seeing the face of my unhappiness. the face of where i put all my emotions when i shouldn't. out of site out of mind is what i like best. if i don't see the problem in front of me, well then it doesn't exist.

i want real!! i'm so tired of these fake persona's that i can see right through. people don't think i catch on, i do, i just don't say anything. should i ? well maybe, but when i do i just get contradicted, so why bother. theres no escaping fake. it will always be there.

i have almost had this blog for an entire year. in just two weeks i'm going to be 18. am i different? most definitely. i have changed so much within just a short of amount of time. the people that are in my life have too.

i wasn't this same person i am today. today...and tomorrow and the next day. with each experience i have learned from my mistakes, crap happens. but you just have to move on, dwelling on it...is not going to make it any better. letting go of what makes you miserable is what will lead to your happiness. keep going and don't look back.

going back to the quote from the beginning, i don't understand a lof of what is happening to me right now, but in the future it will be obvious. for the first time in a year, i really don't understand myself. i'm so unsure of what i'm capable of.

my time will come.

i just hope its soon..

where are you now?

**** this.
(um i would type it out but this computer is tracked.)

i'm tired of fake...i want to see more real.
i'm tired of boys.
i'm tired of the same stuff, because its the same story from every single one.

and this isn't directed towards what guys have done to me...its directed towards what they have told me they have done to other girls.

you use them and take advantage of the fact that they are there just to temporarily satisfy that lonely feeling because you don't have the girl you want or a girl at all.
but i guess us girls are just too naive right?
wrong, they just refuse to believe it and convince themselves otherwise.

so basically, guys and girls, we are all in the same place. trying to satisfy that lonely state, despite who its with.
because girls...they arn't innocent either.


wow.


ok. so... tomorrow i'll probably feel completely different. i'm just a little frustrated by this.
just be honest with yourself and others...it would be so much easier.
sure you feel like crap sometimes...but its just a transition stage, it can only get better. pretending...faking it. it only builds up more tension and problems that you donnt need.

i'm done venting this... for now.

new co champions

so i don't think that this break could come at a better time...

i nnneeeeed to get away from here

i had a great friday night! good saturday, and fun with the girls while going to the game. but when i was there, i just looked around and it was the same people, same complications, same tension, and immaturity at its finest. i realize that its absolutely ridiculous that we tied for state...but throwing trash into the field is no way to prove a point. its immature annd rude. i was ashamed to be a part of my school at that point. what was worse was a former graduate...a guy..hit one of my best friends. i guess his prick attitude didn't change after graduating from this school. is this how its going to be for a lot of the students? are a lot of them never going to change their ways? i really thought i had my high school wrong, which is why i gave the game a chance. but it just proved my point. oh well. 6 months, then i can let go, and move on.

i have so much work to do. once its all done..i'm out of here.

its just a little too late

just when you think you have problems...

i went to the disabled childrens holiday party, and i realized that thats what christmas is really about. screw the presents, i don't need them. these children, dispite their problems, can't stop smiling. it crushed my heart thinking that just an hour before going i was thinking about all these ridiculous problems i had and now that i think of it, yes they're still there, but they definitely don't seem like such a big deal. life's too short to be anything but happy.

its time for me to let go.

oh &

advice for a select few:

grow up & stop being shallow. the real world is passing you by, and personally, i intend to live it to its full potential, and not hold back for a social status. if that means that i have to leave you behind, then so be it. i'm always here for the unappreciative. its time i move on to those who care.

thank you to those who have really been there for me this past week, you have no idea how much it has ment to me.

i have more to write...but too much hmwk and projects to do.

i'm almost alive, i need you to try and save me

finally, the time has come. 3 months it has taken..maybe more. but no more of this, i declare from this very moment that everything will get better. so being grounded this weekend, it did suck, BUT. it turns out, it was one of the best things that happened to me in a long time, i know it sounds crazy...but its true. because of this grounding, i found the answers i've been looking for. i even got back into painting a little bit, since i had nothing else i could do. i've been on some sort of soul search for the past couple of months, i took a turn for the worst. i felt like i was in a maze that had no ending. i kept taking the wrong turns, asking the wrong people for directions, depending on the wrong person to help me, expecting that i could do it on my own. there is something thats missing, and i figured that i could search for the answer, thinking that it had to come from someone else, but i was seriously wrong. the only person that can give me the answer...is myself. yes, i did need another person to help guide...but in the end, i had to reach this conclusion on my own.

i went through a phase of serious frustration. i'm always there for everyone, i help others, and i do it, not because i should, but because i want to. i want to be there for my friends, and i don't ever ask for anything in return. well...i hit a low of having to. i was drowning here, and i was reaching my hand to the surface hoping someone would see it and grab it, but no one did. i needed someone to be there for me, and then everyone disappeared. well thats fine, because eventually, i found my hero and she grabbed my hand and saved me from my pool of emotions that i was drowning in.

so i've found a fascination with star gazing lately, when i went to the cabin with some people a while back, we looked at the stars from the mountains;they were breath taking, i've seriously never seen so many stars. and i looked up for answers, i looked up with an empty heart. i wasn't satisfied, so i snuck out at 2am a couple weeks ago and looked up at the stars on ebenezer road, with 2 good friends and still...I looked up with question. i had a complete look of fear, fear that i would never get to where it is i want to be. then......tonight i came home late from a friends house and looked up at the stars by myself, all i could do was smile.

thats what i've been waiting for.

sure its not exactly the happiness i really want, but its a start.

my senior quote in the yearbook says "forever is never to long to wait for something perfect" and i constantly repeat it; thats because nothing could be further from the truth. it is going to get better, and next weekend....i will make sure will live up to my expectations. no more let downs...no! not this year.

pain throws your heart to the ground, love turns the whole thing around

so even though i was suppose to be doing homework...and such.

pride and the prejudice was on and well i couldn't resist, its one of my favs. and after watching it, i realized i must have been born in the wrong generation, 18th century England is where its at. passion is what this generation is lacking. i know i've lost it, i haven't painted in about a year. i have an empty sketch book sitting on my nightstand that hasn't been touched. no one appreciates what is right there in front of them. guys no longer respect girls, they are just a trophie. girls have become so insecure that they feel that wearing the least amount of clothes possible makes them the ultimate. ok so maybe 18th century is a little too far back, i'd gladly take the era of the notebook. love how i'm relating real life to romantic movies. i guess i just wish i could be in the time when girls wore dresses all the time and guys liked girls for who they were, not for their social status or what they wore, etc. back when real love exhisted. i know love is here now, but people are becoming lazy. no more big romantic gestures to get the girl, divorces keep happening left and right, cheating bastards wonder the streets. whats the point of marrying someone if your not willing to spend the rest of your life with this person. lame thats all i have to say. life just isn't appreciated like it used to be. don't get me wrong, i like to party and have a good time. sure i'm up for the occasional hook ups, but in the long run...what is it thats going to fill that empty spot? these temporary fillings are not going to fill that cavity. people , myself included, keep making these mistakes that from the beginning looked like a good idea, and you thought it would help you get rid of that gap, but it just doesn't satisfy like the real thing. time to think it through, time to go with that gut instinct.

ugh..i think too much.

" the heart of life is good"

broken

i'm tired.
i'm weak.

this is not like me at all. no one would know what i'm really feeling because...i hide it. i don't like to show my emotional side a lot. i guess thats why i love this blog, because i just write everything thats on my mind, everything that i'm feeling and its not the same as talking to someone, but it helps just to put it all out there. its interesting to read these later and i always wonder why i was upset at something so small.

well this is a much bigger deal. and i've come to realize that there is just something missing. a hole that needs to be filled, and i keep trying to place all these pieces to the puzzle in the wrong spot. i can't complete the picture, and its frustrating because i really want to know when i can get it together, when i can see what it is that i was missing all along. i think i know whats missing, i just refuse to believe it. and although i can obviously see that the pieces don't go , i still try to jam them together anyway, having to make the mistakes that i knew i was going to make.

its time that i get some good sleep. focus for the next 3 weeks...and then winter break will be here before i know it. then its the greatest break ever, hopefully it will live up to my expectations. theres no more room for disappointment right now.

time to stop letting other people control my emotions.

i can do it. just need a little faith in myself. that's all.

confidence would be a nice thing to have right now.

"Didn't you want to hear

The sound of all the places we could go

Do you fear The expressions on the faces we don't know

It's a cold hard road when you wake up

And I don't think that

I Have the strength to let you go "

invisible

its all very clear to me now.

congrats! you really had me fooled...

as a matter of fact, you probably don't even realize this is directed towards you.

the prettiest things are sometimes the dangerous things

you can always run but you can't always get away.

although i think i can hide from the issues, or delay them, they are still there. so its time i stop complaining in a blog, and do something about it. just 3 weeks...3 lonnng weeks.

&&& on another subject:

i'm waiting for the big romantic gesture.

the proof that maybe there is still hope in the male gender.

don't worry boys, i haven't lost all faith... yet.

so i was reading this persons blog...and um im going to pull an angie and quote someone else. "searching for happiness takes more time and its not an over night process.and you cant find happiness if you dont let go of the things that hold you down or pull you back.life is about moving forward and sometimes people get left behind.so open your eyes because you are bound to get hurt sometime.and the things that hurt make you stronger and less vulnerable for next time. fate becomes obvious in the long run.but you have to open your eyes, make the change, and take the steps."

i def. could not have said it better myself. kind of wierd considering i don't know this person, but his wording was exactly what point i've been trying to get out in the past couple of blog entries. basically i know i will find what i'm looking for, this is just a transition period. the gravel road before the paved. it will get easier, it will stop being hurtful, it will get better.

oh and somehow i figured out how to put music on here..so um enjoy.

<3

when your dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part

so here is what my blog would have sounded like:

how can someone who is never alone...feel so lonely? everything that i've done lately has been so unappreciated. everyone knows that i'm always going to be there for them, and so they take advantage of it. i'm not a door mat, i just care, and am willing to do anything for my friends. I never ask for anything in return, its just the duties of friendship. what is disappointing, is that when i'm in need of help, you don't notice, nor do you help. you ditch me, thinking that i'll always be there when you bounce back. i'm apparently not always good enough, theres someone better. well i say...thats your loss not mine. status is just a word, not who you are. i know who i am, i know where i'm going in life, i know...that i will accomplish great things when i put my mind to it, and the only people worth sharing my life with, are those who actually take an interest in me and don't look down on me. the ones who will help me talk through an issue, and be there for me when i really need someone. I am not the type to ask for help, its a hard thing for me to do. i always think that i can dominate these obstacles alone, its in my pride. but there comes a time when you come crashing down and you just need someone to be there when your at your worst. and few people have really been that shoulder for me to lean on this year. it seems that we all have our head in the clouds, stressing about unimportant social issues or the important fear of our future. well, i am one to live in each moment. well, whos with me? whos willing to be spontanious and make the absolute best of this life that we only have one issue of? whos willing to stop social climbing, and just be appreciative of the friends that you have rather than depending on aquintances that lack the true connection of a good friendship.

yes, these were all my thoughts prior to my drive home

do you notice a word that is mentioned a lot in that paragraph? the word "me".

i was driving home and i looked through the window of the ambulance in front of me. i saw this little girl in there, just starring back at me. she was in the bed, with a look of absolute fear in her eyes. she kept looking at her father who was kneeling beside the bed praying and trying to be brave for his little girl. she was looking at him for re-assurance that everything was going to be ok. that she will get through this.

and i realized thats what i keep doing, looking around trying to find someone to give me the confidence that i need to know that i can get through this. i need to start focusing my attention to people who will appreciate my care. there are others out there that really do need help, and are also looking for the brave eyes to look into. there are people out there who could really use my helping hand, that little girl in the ambulance for example, and i'm going to find a way to give it.

i just need to start directing my focus somewhere else for a while. maybe, this way..i wont get hurt. i love my life...but also...

there is nothing wrong with the want to be wanted.

<3

Belief is a beautiful armor, but makes for the heaviest sword, like punching underwater, you never can hit who your trying for

yup. this break...exactly what i needed. i hung out with my favorite people.

just made me excited for winter break. the best time of the year. christmas, new years, my birthday, and good times.

for the past month or so, i think i've had an escape every weekend. and as i told everyone earlier, escapes are completely necessary. i don't think i've hung out with the same crowd over and over agian this year. i like it that way, just bouncing from group to group, meeting new people and having a change of atmosphere. little did i know that i have my own escape just 3 minutes from my house.

bowling, racing down 92, boat rides, hitting golf balls, ice skating, sneeking out at 2am to look at stars, just hanging out with good friends with good conversations, taking sketchy pictures at the lake, partying, etc etc...this all consumed my thanksgiving break. and i loved every minute of it.

and i need to keep reminding myself that despite the low points, this year has been amazing. and i will be sad to see it go, but i'll definately be ready to move on.

theres nothing left to say

the picture says it all. i went to my secret spot and took some photos. and of course the trail that i really wanted to go to was blocked off. go figure.

well my path to destination is under construction too. and i need to proceed with caution. there is a direction that i want to go, and fate is not leading me there. there are so many signs as to way i should not try to force what i want. but i am so curious as to what it would be like. i want to go against fate for once, and make my own mistake. but i believe that everything happens for a cause and there is a reason why i'm not where i want to be. take this as a learning experience. take it as it is.

for some reason though... i just can't accept it.

but, of course i'm going to have to.

and i'm going to accept it with no fear or worry.

thanksgiving was a great day.i spent time with my dad, and i learned something new about him. after hitting golf balls, he asked me " now, did you think about any of your problems while you were out there?" and suprisingly, no i didn't. and he told me how this was his one escape from all his worries and i never realized that. so he escapes with hitting a golf ball, and i escape by doing art. maybe we arn't that different after all. we just need that little time to pretend that there are no other people in the world, that there are no problems to be solved, and no fears to be had. for those few moments, its just you and your current focus.

of course, it never hurts to bring a friend along for the escape. just make sure you bring the right person.

you know, i have seen a lot of some beautiful scenery these past couple of weekends. i appreciate my surroundings and the people in them. BUT i'm also ready for my surroundings and people in them to appreciate me...

(my tennessee pic)

better with me

do you ever get that feeling that everything is just not right?

this break came at a perfect time. i find myself on edge and snapping at people. getting annoyed because i have all these things i want to get done, or i have an idea of how i want things to go, and others just get in the way. i'm sorry if you were a victim of my attitude this past week. its the stress and emotional rollercoster i'm on. no excuses, i know i was very unlike myself these past couple of weeks. to put it down to the basics. i'm frustrated. i can't seem to make anything go the way i want, and i feel like i let everything that i have good just slip from my fingers.

my patience is wearing thin.

& i'm tired of being the one who always gets hurt.

it can only go up from here...i hope.

just when i think i have everything under control, my world gets turned upside down.

but thats life. it just keeps throwing out the unexpected and i patiently battle them out but when do i get a break from it all? never because that would be too easy. well i decided that on this short break, i'm going to take the time to re-group myself. remember what it is that makes me...me. and try not to get all caught up in my social life and family drama.

just trying to stay optimistic, but when everyone else goes down, they just keep dragging me down with them. it has to stop.

i guess i missed you

ok so the last blog was a little dramatic. yet truthful. i find that most people just can't handle the truth...shame.

oh how things have changed. i find myself lately just remembering the good times i've had last year. such a great year. i loved it.

high school, its gotten so cliqued. id be much more content with a few good friends to a thousand acquaintances. but the beauty of it? in like 6 months or so, all those stupid drama fights, all that gossip, all the lame boys that hurt you..will all be pushed aside as we leave for something much more important, our future. in 6 months, all those rumors will mean nothing, bc the real friends that know the truth ,well they will stick by you. and thats all you need. when you look back at all those pictures from senior year, you should only remember the good, and erase the bad.

i'm ready to cross that platform into the unknown. i'm ready to tackle whats ahead and really make something of myself in this world. as a matter of fact...i want to see the world.

there are much bigger problems out there than what the person in your econ class thinks of you.. its sad that a lot of people haven't figured that out yet. the high school social scene is not what defines me. I define me.

i want to push myself, and see what i'm capable of.

come on future...

bring it, i'm ready.

this world so hollow

i'm looking for the answers in all the wrong places and expecting too much.

expectations are a set up for disapointement.

someday you willl be loved

finally, a week of steadiness. probably one of my better weeks
in a long time. i honestly couldn't tell you the cause of it. probably because i've finally put my priorites in line. i've accepted certain things for what they are, that they can't change, and i'm just going to have to make the best of it and move on. i've also come to the conclusion that i have to wait for what i want, and put what needs to be done first.

fear is the heart of love.
to live in fear is to not live at all.

and i've come to realize that senior year is my year of sponatnious actions. i've done things this year that i never though i would. i've befriended people i never thought i would know. junior year was a year of great change for me, finding out who i am. sophomore year was a transition year, realizing that there is a lot more to be discovered. and well freshman year was nothing special.

everything happens for a reason. no one could believe that more than i do.


i've encountered some pretty huge battles in my life, and i've conquered all with my head held high and a face that portrayed strength. and now, i think that i actually have that strength to back it up.

and after 9 years of feeling hurt, i finally have the courage to stand up for myself and explain what actions have caused me such pain. and i think, that i've finally have made him proud. and i think that we might actually be able to have a real relationship. no more awkward conversations. finally, a father figure that is actually my father. and that is the closure i've been seeking for far too long.

so yes, i guss you could say that things are looking up for me. i only hope that i can keep this steadiness for a while. i'm over the ups and downs.

beautiful disaster

this is how i see it.

my life, is like a road trip.

after a long time of moving towards what i think is my destination, there are obsticles to endure. rest stops, time to re-group and look after myself. over bearing trucks that intimidate, keeping me from feeling the confidence i need to conquer the road. the wrong turns, that may lead to disaster and delay my journey. getting lost and feeling as if i will never get to where it is i want to be. the dead ends, that make my future and plans seem impossible. the bridges and short cuts that i take to pass over potential problems.during the whole trip...there are so many things that could go wrong, danger, and restrictions, but once i reach my destination, all those hindrinces that i overcome just make the journey seem well worth it.

the only difference is, there is no permanent map. the road names and destination are constantly changing for me. just when i think i can do it alone, i come to the realization that i can't. its ok to stop and ask for directions every now and then. its ok to want to take someone along for the ride. and its ok to be a little intimidated.

well right now i'm a little lost, but i know i will find my way back to the road of my destination. its just going to take some time and patience to find the right exit.

see right through me

is running from my problems really the answer?

i feel like i keep decieving myself, trying not to see the obvious truth.

i want to go back to being a child, when i thought my life was picture perfect, even though it was far from perfection.

what is it going to take to make me happy again? thats what i'd like to know. i must be looking for the answer in all the wrong places, or maybe i'm just done being patient.

someone grab me by the hand and guide me in the right direction.

every step i make forward, i just take 10 steps back. constantly running in place watching as problems pile up and only sitting there rotting as i try to avoid them. putting on my fake smile, convincing myself everything is ok.

closer

my problem, expectations are only a set up for dissapointment. as are dreams. so whats the point? just keep hoping for this image you have in your head, and to only be dissapointed when it doesn't work. how is it that i started off the week feeling so good, and now... i can't even explain what emotion i'm feeling because i don't even know.

what happened?

how is it that everything became so difficult..i don't even recognize anything anymore. it all changed so fast. can i please just fast forward...skip all these annoyances, gossip, and stress. i think i'd settle for winter break.maybe that'll help. psh yea right. theres no escape. there are eyes watching everywhere. careful, one move and the whole school will know by 7th period. thats high school for you. its not all bad. once i step across that platform on graduation, thats it. one part of my life is over. that is an overwhelming feeling.

one things for sure..

i'm done settling. i'm so much better than this. or am i just setting my standards too high? i cant get my thoughts straight to even write a blog that makes sense or is worth reading. i guess i'll just babble. its my blog so i can do whatever the hell i want.

to feel wanted. yup, thats what i want. but by the right people, i wish i knew both sides to this story. the truth is there. just unattainable by me.

it comes to the point where i dont care anymore. look, heres my white flag. i surrendor. call me weak, but i've fought hard. i give up trying. if you think your better than me, and this is directed towards everyone, then thats fine. anyways, who made you the judge?

i just want the feeling of knowing that there is someone by my side no matter what happns.

well now i'm mis spelling words, i can barely keep my eyes open.

later..

your holding me back without even trying to.

for once i actually learned something in school that i thought was interesting.

going back to my previous post on "perception"

perception is based on experiences, expectations, and environment. no wonder girls and guys see things so differently and its no wonder the way i view something, is completely opposite from others. i know i see life a whole lot differently than most. I've experienced enough to know...life must be lived in the moment, because you never know when it can all come crashing down. you can't expect the worst, just hope for the best. if i were to define our highschool in the dictionary it would probably sound something like this

"noun; a huge pool of hormones and confused adolescent's just trying to find themselves; a series of fake identities that cannot be identified now, but will eventually remain permanent in time"

yup, I think that just about sums it up.

but of course, I'm just one of them.

food for thought: although you may think its not true, EVERY SINGLE high school student is going through the same thing, we just all express it differently. i could tell you how i hide my self-consciousness, but then it wouldn't be hidden now would it?

someone once asked me if I could have anything, what would it be? well i think i finally have an answer: to have the confidence to not let other people affect how i feel and act. Seems simple enough right? wrong, i've been battling this war for a good 17 years, and self-conscious has won a good fight.

i can't wait to graduate.

gotta walk away, while there's still hope

i think its time...for me to finally be happy. hopefully, this doesn't turn out like the rest. but i have a good feeling about this one. i think i've finally moved on. i'm not going to get my hopes up, but at least i know, good can come to those who wait.

<3

everything....does happen for a reason. i am a strong believer in that, i try to learn the lesson out of every experience. even though when you look at it from the inside, it seems like nothing but mere scatterdness, these puzzle pieces that are your life, will eventually create a beautiful picture once everything comes together. just be patient and the work in progress will become a masterpiece.

this blank canvas of my future, will become a work of art.

you don't know me

adolescence.

the time that a child turns into a stranger. a time where all we are trying to do is find ourselves. in order to do so...we must display a different personality with the different groups we are in. its a fact of life. learned this in ap psych and found it fascinating how much it pertains to my life right now. i can't keep track of who is here for me right now and who is being fake. i realize that 10 years from now i will look back at my pictures and remember all the good times i've had, how close i was with my friends, and the stupid things we did. but now that i'm in the middle of it, all i can think about is how everyone has changed. how...in a year from now i'm not going to even recognize the people in the class of

'07. we will all move on with our lives and grow up...well some more than others. theres no instruction manual to life. if there is, mine must be in another language, because i'm confused. taking it one day at a time is best. it just makes me so mad that people will go off with someone who they think "is cooler or better" and then come running back. and because i'm a good friend, i'm always there for them. i guess its bc i'm guilty of such actions as well.

"everyone pretends to care until someone better comes along"

that quote is true. which is why i constantly repeat it... its just because we are..

yes,

adolescences.

trying to find ourselves, and in order to do so..got to experiment.

hopefully tonight is my escape, a little change of scenery..

if nothing else, i've got a banging dress :) ha

if right is leaving, id rather be wrong

just to make this extremely clear..this blog is directed towards no one specific at all. since there seems to be a mis-communication going on..not on my part..but there is one. no RHS student was harmed in the writing of this blog. this is just me...reflecting over my personal thoughts, so chill.

perception.

things are seen so differenlty between people. its funny but i've never believed more in the saying "what you don't know cant hurt you"than i do now. i know i've always said i'd rather know the truth so that i'm not being fooled and feel like an idiot when i actually find out the reality.....which everyone should know by now, the truth will eventually come out. no matter if it takes years or minutes..it will.

but lately...i've realized there are just certain things left unsaid.

i have thousands of things happening in my life right now and millions of things running through my head. i can't focus on one problem for more than a second before something else gets screwed up.

one thing i've noticed i've been missing lately: passion. where has my ambition gone?

i don't really know what has gotten into me, but i just don't really care anymore. i'm trying to be strong here. its all i can do.

its probably my surroundings that i'm just tired of. i need a new atmosphere. high school life is getting over rated. i can party..have fun, live in the moment, thats what i love about this time of my life. but the drama stuff, thats lame. grow up.. i don't even need to elaborate on that. its plain and simple.

the people who i truly care about..i've got their back. i'm pretty sure they've got mine too. you know, i was starting to underestimate my friends, but they made a serious come back in the past couple of days. don't mess with heather , shes got hoes. thats for sure.

a new chapter of my senior year began today, and i've never been so excited. this will either make or break the year. i'm ready.

so for all you blog readers out there...

know this.

you can only take it one day at time.

and it will eventually be ok...you just have to be patient.

ps thanks alex J. for my previous post..your the best.

everything's gonna be alright

heather,

you are seriously one of the most amazing girls in the whole world and i love you so much. i am here for you always. you have found your dream college, you have so many loyal friends by your side, and you have so much going for you. don't worry about a thing...we are going to go to TN and have such an awesome time and just escape from everything! so get ready...and please remember that you are so great in every way.

<3 you always,
al

p.s. just think about what i told you on friday during our bathroom break and get happy..it's for you and me babayyyy! ;)

so let it be...

i'm lost.

yea sure, what teenager isnt. but seriously, i'm at a loss of what i want to do with my future, how i want to finish my senior year, how i want to be remembered, who i can trust, who are my real friends..the list goes on.

i wish there was some sort of help guide to my life, because i could use some real instruction right now. i feel like every move i make tangles a bigger knot, but if i do nothing, i'm left behind. where do i step without making a mistake?

i'm tired of these highs and lows. i just want some steadiness.

as for boys, well i'm seriously considering just putting the whole dating scene on hold for a little bit, ha we'll see how long that lasts... (psh)

i'm just tired of making something out of nothing. yea ok so..i'm a little intimidated. sure there are the occasional hook ups and dates..but i'm just not satisfied by that anymore. its time that i move onto something real. and i don't see any potential for that anywhere or anytime soon, i'm done getting hurt, or wasting my time with relationships that never work out. its getting old. sure i'm teen and dating is just what we do, your not ment to find "the one" right now, and i understand that. but it would just be nice to have someone there for a long while before things get so screwed up and i lose another friend.

i went to a college visit today...and i cant tell you how important it is for me to just escape. i can't stand being in high school anymore. there are so many restrictions, gossiping, lies, immaturity at its fineness, and its tiring. how can one damn summer change everyone so much? don't get me wrong, i've grown closer to some pretty amazing people this year, but at the same time i've lost a great loss as well. you can't have it all i guess. i just want to go off to college and not re-invent myself, because i like who i am now, but rid myself of the judgements made of me by people who only hear rumors and made their opinion of me based on other peoples opinions. that was kind of a run-on..but you get the generally idea. i do love my friends and i do love the fun times we have, and that will be the hardest part about leaving, but at the same time..its time to move on to bigger and better things. experience new people, new ideas, new activities. i've made the official decision today that i def. want to do a sorority, and i know i want to major in Art. this may all change but as of now...thats what i want to do.

i'm going to make my college life a memorable experience that i'll never forget.

so thats my reflections of the day.

???????

i hope i figure things out soon, because i'm tired of being in the dark about everything. i want all the pieces to fall together!! how did things get so complicated?

out of my mind

so when's it my turn to have happiness?

and to get what i want?

for once...i wish i could be selfish.

& for once..i want to do something without being judged for it.

but the funny thing is...that those things will never happen. at least not while i'm at RHS.

pretty short and simple.

"no matter which way you go..no matter which way you stay, you're out of my mind..out of my mind.. i was walking with a ghost, and i said please, please dont insist''

<3

break the silence

oh God.

so this is what happens when you lack no motivation to get up early to "primp" yourself and at least look decent enough to show your face at school oh & you lost pratically all your makeup for some reason and can't find it. yup. dress to impress? no thanks. not this week. baggy sweatshirts and jeans are the way to go. whatever, its only been rainy days anyway.

maybe tomorrow...

but when its all said and done, i guess this is just a foreshadowing for the fact that swim season starts in 2 weeks and i will look like this all the time,

hmmm can't wait for the freezing cold water at 5am & the lovely band aids at the bottom of every lane. oh the joys of being a swimmer.

i guess i just thought i'd pick a week where its ok to be lazy. so here i am, in bed ready to watch tv and go to sleep. psh the highlights of being a teenager, better enjoy it while it lasts.

before i know it, i'll have to let go of this egocentric idea that i portray as an adolescent and be responsible.

ha cant wait...

one day

so. last night i had a "family night". and i have to say, it was probably one of the most special moments i've had in such a while. my grandpa's cancer was supposedly taken care of until we have discovered recently that a new spot was found. and it hadn't really hit me until it was just my grandpa and i sitting by the bond fire that everyone grew tired of and left. now, my grandpa is a man of very few words, and never fully shows affection, i sat there just gazing into the glistening flames trying to take in the moment that here it was, just me and a man that is fighting one of the scariest battles of his life, and he's been in a war.. we just talked about his war stories, childhood in Ireland, and simple stuff like that. i tried my best to hold back my tears realizing, i may never have a moment like this again. and i almost missed it by being selfish and going out with my friends. thank God i got my priorities straight.

I've had my fair share of life obsticles to endure. i've probably been through more in the past 8 years than most people will go through in their entire lives. and you know what? i don't regret a single bit of it. if it wasn't for these life changing hindrinces, i probably would not be the strong person i am today. I think that because of what i've been through, i've matured a lot quicker than most people my age. i try not to let the little things get the best of me because life is way too short to be anything but happy. shit happens..move on. no offense ladies, but high school gossip, is so lame. start worrying about your own life, and stop talking about others. who knows, maybe you might learn something about yourself by taking the focus off of others. just a little advice.

you know oddly, i find myself in such a good place right now. completely content. life is good. i just have this feeling that something good is going to happen, i hope i'm right. can't wait to find out what it is.

<3

The Beauty & The Tragedy

looking at this picture...just simply puts an absolute smile on my face.

once again, i fulfilled my constant preaching of living in the moment. little did i know that somehow i was going to end up where i did last night, and i loved it. thats whats so amazing about not planning your next move, why worry about the future? although you think you can control what will happen next...you can't. things happen that altar your image of what you thought would be.

i know that i have been constantly dissapointed by planning out and anticipating what will become of my actions. hindrinces mutate expectations. so instead of planning on a future, live it.

and although i didn't realize it at the time, i've noticed now, that senior year is turning into one of my most memorable ones. junior year was a time that i took a complete turn and grew up. i learned a lot about who i really was and got to know the people around me. now, senior year, i'm living each day with optimism . of course there will be high points and low points, but in the end, it all works out because i'm a strong believer that every thing happens for a reason.

worrying about the future will only hold you back from probably the most memorable experiences that you could endure.

i have more to elaborate but due to the night i had last night, i'm ready to go to bed.

so i guess my final note is...

LIVE each moment, STOP worring about the future, DONT plan out your every move, DO make impulisive decisions, BE yourself/ real , NEVER hold back, FEAR nothing.

those simple things, will surely make for a senior year you will never forget.

let the good times roll...

"Another day, another sunrise

Washing over everything

In it’s time, love will be mine

The beauty and the tragedy"

my last goodbye

so today was absolutely beautiful. i forgot how much i love fall.

so with my creative ambition I took some photos (posted above, click each picture to see it close up), which i haven't done in suuuch a long time and it felt good to have a camera in my hand again.

i forgot how it was to see the world through a lens.

i have some ideas storming for photography, and i think that for once, i have the motivation to get it started. of course i will need help of others if anyone is interested in being in some pictures, i would appreciate it. i don't care who really, i could use all the help i can get.

finally, i'm focused.

its funny, but i found that i have changed in just 3 months to the point were i almost didn't recognize myself. i looked in the mirror and could only see a shadow of what i used to be. ive only changed for the better, making choices that i hope will only help me in the end (but it could potentially break me). i really like where i am at right now. and i believe that i have full understanding of what i really want, need, and who i really am. and not many people can say that about themselves.

and as i told angie: forever is never too long to wait for something perfect, so i'll be here, ready and waiting. i know that day will come where it will all fall into place.

<3

do you feel better now that she falls to the ground?

in the end of the week that started off extremely awful, everything turned out ok.

nothings back to normal, or is perfect.

but i finally feel like...no matter what, i've got great friends to back me up.

to be honest i think i acted like a complete crazy person this whole week, totally out of character for me. ( stress and lack of sleep does this to me and i'm sorry to everyone that i snapped at or questioned. but i'm good...for now )

my family will never be normal, so i can just accept that problem.

and as far as college stuff is concerned...i know i will get it all done. i just need some time.

in the end

it turns out ok.

and i'll just have to wait for it to be perfect.

today is the day

don't close your eyes, don't dwell on the past, don't fret over the future.

you will miss out on the present.

looking back on this picture i realized that with just an extremely short amount of time...not only have i changed, but the people around me have.

one person in this pick is in a completely different state, the other at a college an hour away, and two whom i used to be extremely close to, but now we are distant strangers. this picture was taken a month ago.

thats how quickly life can change.

don't get me wrong, right now i'm extremely content. but everything is changing so quickly that sometimes i have to re-examine my surroundings because with the blink of an eye my world has been shifted causing me to see nothing but what has been and what is.

the change is so fast that sometimes i don't even see it coming.

but when it comes down to needing that one person at 3 in the morning to just complain about your pointless problems because you can't sleep, i know that they will all be there for me. every single one of them, the ones i'm close to and the ones that i have grown apart from.

friendship is unspoken bonding. just because you can't see it, doesn't mean its not there. i tend to underestimate my friends at times, but they seem to always know how to make a come back and surprise me.

i go beyond the call of duty that friendship entitles, i will always be there for them. thats just who i am. i prefer quality over quantity. a couple close friends, to tons of aquintances.

life is good. could be great, but i can't complain.

so heres to the girls and guys who i know will be there for me when i fall, and know that in return, i will be there for them always.

<3

hold me in your freezing arms before we have to go

i had this really long entry and i deleted it.

i can't pin point the single image inside the portrait of my mind.

main focus:

where has my innocence gone?

&

live in the moment. live each day. don't grief over the past, and don't get worked up over the future. calm down. you only live once: if you live it right, once is enough.

thats the extremely short overview of the thousands of thoughts racing through my mind.

"If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"

i'm in love with this band. but it reminds me how badly for just one day...i want to escape. just leave and get a break from school and friends.

for now i guess i'll just settle for daydreaming.

i believe that it is true what they say.

you never realize how good something is until its gone.

but also great things come with change.

i can tell this year is going to be a big for me.

everything is set and ready but now i just need

to get my family under control.

lets get the senior year started!

You are the one and only one

a picture from my best swim season yet...


so

basically, i'm extremely proud of myself right now.

good job goes to me for focusing on my goals.

realizing what i really want out of my life.

and also what i dont want.

for being responsible and taking care of what has needed to be done.

i don't know what happened but something came into me and now i have set goals that i know i will accomplish because i'm a very motivated person, and i never quite.

i've never been so sure of what i wanted ever....really.

i'm acting on impulsive decisions.

all i can do now is hope that everything will come together.

i dont break hearts, i just dent them

ugh i don't even know where to begin.

miami was such a great escape from my reality. i've realized that i love to run from my problems. when i'm home, music is my great escape. nothing i love more than to daydream. i'm confrontational as well, but basically this summer i have tangled up such a web. i just wish that i could make it all disappear. but of course don't we all?

"I am not skilled to understand What God has willed, what God has planned I only know at his right hand Stands one who is my savior"

i need to realise what comes first. why can't i get my priorities straight? hopefully this senior year will be a one of great change.

which brings me to my next thing.

how is it that someone who can make you feel good about yourself, make you feel bad all at the same time?

i'm constantly looking out for others feelings and end up getting hurt in the end. this seems to never change. but i guess thats just life. i never want to intentionally hurt someone. but i think i possibly did. i just feel that God has a plan for me, and what i really wnat isn't included in it now because i need to put whats most important first.

your hands are mine to hold

this is in a need up serious update. i will tomorrow. no doubt.

behind each smile theres a tear in your eye

i'm about to go see my dad, whom i haven't seen in 2 months.
i'm kind of nervous that its going to only make me upset
as if this week wasn't bad enough.
pray for me. <3

as our december sun is setting

i've got great friends, especially the ones who really look out for me.

you may tire of me

he makes me smile. :)
and i'm lucky to be with him.

could it be?

my essential question of the day: why is it so hard to tell a person how you really feel?





could it be the fear of judgement? maybe even the fear of change?
whatever it is...it has basically played as an inhibiter in my life for the past 10 years or so.
basically a mutation that has drifted my indentity.

Figure Me Out

i've decided that my favorite thing to do is just daydream. think about what is, what could be, and what will never be.
funny the places that a mind can take you. of course, its not so good when it gets you in trouble.
i've been realizing that i lack no motivation for school. my grades are slipping and i just feel like i've screwed myself over..why change it now.
but i know that will not be the case, i've actually done a lot better now that i'm not swimming. i'm focused in class and i actually concentrate, a word that has not pertained in my life for the past couple of months.
things need to change, well really my priorities. i need to realize what i have first and what should be first.
my art is picking back up, due to the fact that i'm grounded, i'll have time this weekend to paint something depicting an emotion of the great depression for us history. o joy.
plus there is a photography contest comingup which i don't really know if i want to enter. i think it will just be a setup for dissapointement. i'm not that confident in my art at all. its nothing amazing, probably bc i have so much going on in my life that i can't really put my full concentration on it like others.
ok well i think thats enought thoughts of heather for today.

o my...

do you ever feel like somethings missing?

the quite things that no one else knows

so today is my birthday!
i'm excited.
the thing is, normally i can't tell a difference when it comes to this time of the year, but this time its different. i can feel myself maturing, i've certainly changed since last year. for the better, i've opened up more and i'm finally comfortable being myself. sure i still have insecurities but who doesn't?
with everyday things, i feel that i approach life with a whole new perspective.
heres to life lessons, new experiences, and living one day at a time.

through the lens

So i've gotten kind of tired of posting blogs on myspace and i don't like xanga anymore. so i've decided to get one of these.

i'm in a funny place right now. kind of hard to explain. just when i think everything is going well, the unexpected happens. guess that goes with an unexpected letter from a friend that made me really upset.
anyways...

i guess i shouldn't be complaining, what more could i possibly ask for? i have amazing friends (and new ones...) , wonderful boyfriend , and my grandpa seems to be doing well. i guess you could say life is good right now.

well i don't feel like writing anything worth ready right now. so i'll update this later.