so here i am week two of college...as its slowly coming to an end and the weekend is approaching i had some time to quickly replay all the events, letdowns, unexpected realizations, contact with random people, and well of course just life in general. School work now is much more enjoyable because everything i learn pertains to life of which i plan on living. sure there is the unecessary math class that teaches me formulas that i know i will never use...but then there is those that take a deeper look into what makes us humans act the way we do and why we do it. I''m a psychology major and as i progress forward i can see how this is the perfect direction for me to take. the road that i was taking had little direction and misguided maps...but i think that i have it right now and i couldn't be happier with my decision.
here is my thoughts right now...
happiness: utilitarianism: morals
heres my question- why can't we be content with what we have instead of searching for what makes us happy? with the advances in technology and in life...we have different things that we couldn't imagine living life without. there were those back then that considered happiness just the fact that they were alive. i don't think that 50 years ago people were upset because their ipod broke...what about the times we didn't even have our computers, ipods, cell phones...we were still content with life right? how do we know what we are missing out on..if we never have it to begin with? with greater gain comes greater loss. imagine getting a brand new diamond necklace...it makes you soo happy. but what about when you lose it...then comes the greater upset.
the good makes the bad worse..but it works both ways because the bad can make the good even greater. you have to take in consideration that when you recieve what makes you happy...are you willing to accept the consequences of when it is gone.
ok ok so your probably wondering why i bring this up..well its simple. this is basically why i never feel like i should recieve anything good...because to me i weigh my options and i always wonder what will happen when the good gets bad. am i willing to survive it? can i handle it? is it even worth it? whenever i feel like everything is heading in the right direction...something comes along a screws it up. this is why i no longer feel that expectations are worth a thought...and i'm slowly loosing my optimism. i long, i pray, i hope...and in the end i'm left where i didn't want to be. i'm so tired of letdowns, i'm so tired of disapointements...i'm so tired of not being able to be stabily happy. i look around and i feel like these people keep gettting everything i've ever wanted...and they don't even deserve it.. selfish? yeah i guess so. i am just wondering when its my turn.
experiences have built what morals we abide by today. i do what is right based on the hindrances i have conquered...i am as strong as i am now because of what i go through. it just makes me wonder what i'm doing wrong..do i not deserve the good things in life just like everyone else?
i hate this entry because its so pessimistic..and if you truly know me you also know that i am a silver lining person. but with one storm after another...its hard to see that glow i once called sun. maybe i'm just hoping for the wrong things. if it wasn't for the mistakes i have made, the times i've been through....i wouldn't have met all the amazing people that are in my life. i wouldn't be the person i am today. i'm just tired of being told by so many people that i'm amazing and deserve nothing less...if thats so true why i am i left...why am i getting anything but what you believe i deserve. i guess i just don't buy it anymore...you know what i think i need...an escape. now that is true heather talking right there. 10 years later i am still going to be the same free spirit i am today because i'm not going to let anyone cage me in..and i'm too stubburn to let anyone take care of me. when am i going to learn... i don't want anymore highs and lows...yes thats life..but please let me stand on top for a while long enough to enjoy it. i guess i'm just overwhelmed with everything in my life right now that this might not all be making sense. i'm simply venting...and if you followed this whole entry...ha i'm sorry.
i guess i should get some sleep...even though that also keeps getting harder and harder. i'm no longer looking for the answers to all my questions..instead i'm just going to float and let life guide me through the waves. they keep hitting me hard..so hopefully i will be in some smooth waters soon. but again..i doubt it. don't get me wrong..i love a life that keeps me on my feet..but maybe not so much in a negative way anymore.
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