[edit] I'm drownin in your vanity

forget it...i've made my choice, choice to be

happy.

i've never felt so many emotions at once.

i wish i could just break down into a good cry, let it all out

regret

anger

frustration

confusion

happiness

gratefulness

all of the above

a friend of mine asked me earlier...."heather, are you happy?" i looked at him and thought about how everything is just rustling inside, i'm hiding inside. im looking for perfection that doesn't exist. i'm looking for the easy way out. i'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one hears me.

haha this all sounds so depressing, i'm not depressed i swear. just....frustrated. i want to say what i am feeling but the thing is, i don't know what i want or who i am anymore.

i'm afraid of making a mistake...afraid of rejection, where is the confident heather that i loved so much? really...

there is so many reasons for my mixed emotions: boys, family (evil step mother strikes again), school, friends, and me.

its due time for one of my famous escapes, ok maybe not as extreme as europe, i'd gladly take stars in the middle of the road at 2am again. there is no sense in clearing my head because its clear...now i need to take everything back in piece by piece and start being wise with my choices.

i'm looking for something, but i just don't know what it is.

i'm tired of waiting. i need to make a decision i only hope its the right one.

its you...why is it always you

there are no words.
no profound statements.
no life lesson to explain.
no photo.
no way of talking around the issue
no analogies
....nothing, i am lost



reality has finally set in.

its like sex in a hot tub: exciting yet risky

{photo by me: paris 07}

well...now that i have your attention

lets get down to the thoughts that basically take up my time while i'm not paying attention in any of my classes.

a visual...i'm standing at a crossway: i have 3 choices to make. 2 out of the three could have rewarding endings, but only satisfying journey , where as the one will be a journey i will never forget ( in a positive way) , yet will have an unrewarding ending. ok so i've probably made this more complicated than it should be. I wish i could mix it up. I'm soo frustrated at not being able to really say what is on my mind, and i can't figure out what is holding me back. Rejection or the wording? writing out important thoughts that i wish to say are so much easier, there is no instant feedback, and i can take my time to carefully word everything. the answer is obvious what i should do...but this is me we are talking about. i choose not realize the reality of my actions and I do what may not be completely right for me. i am my own disaster. is it possible to escape yourself and your life just for a little bit? clear my head, register what i'm doing and have done... i can't think straight anymore.

i want more...i deserve more. i know its a lot to ask: but its reality. take it, breath it, see it and realize it exists.

[EDIT] promising forever, knowing that this moment might be all we ever find

{photo by me at the louvre in paris}

where is my sense of satisfaction.

i am in a surreal part of my life right now. a struggle with my wants and needs, who i am, and who i will be. i know i'm hiding in here somewhere.

wtf...why can't i take in reality anymore.

&

i missed my moment, i guess its now forever hold your peace.

your skin and bones, turn into something beautiful

looking in the mirror, i don't see me. for once, i don't recognize my own reflection. each day i surprise myself by the things i say or do. so oblivious to reality, turning the shades down hiding. maybe if i don't think about it, it doesn't exist. i only see what i choose to see. i feel like i have blinders on that make me only look forward instead of taking in the existence around me. look at that picture above...a piece of work from the summer. its called "blind love".. maybe i was only using art to communicate what i didn't have the confidence to actually say in person. i can't remember the last time i picked up a paint brush or any other medium. i can't remember the last time i had the confidence that i have now.

time for a tap into my honesty...

heres that feeling again...that feeling that somethings missing. i know whatever it may be is starring me right in the eyes, but as mentioned before, i am blind to it. i'm done with the temporary satisfaction of feeling whole, its time i wait for something that means more. how girly do i sound now? but seriously, where is my dignity...i'm better than this. realistic part is, i'm the only one who knows what i'm talking about.

i say all this now, but i know when the opportunity comes...i'll just return to my old ways. what is it going to take for me to change? maybe i just don't want to change..or maybe i'm just waiting for the right person to save me from myself...

i wish i was as invisible as you make me feel

jumping to conclusions...its what i do.

saying "no i'm fine really, its ok"...its what i do.

coming up with a rationalization for something i do wrong...its what i do.

always wanting what i can't have...its what i do.

setting myself up for a letdown...its what i do.

i have seemed to find a pattern in my life, paved by my same habits and ways.

making sure everyone is happy before i am...its what i do.

caring too much...its what i do.

going beyond the call of friendships and relationships...its what i do.

trying to be everything a person wants...its what i do.

always being there for the friend that doesn't deserve it...its what i do.

i don't want to have to change myself, for once... i want to stop being told i'm amazing: when only left behind because i'm not amazing enough. just, i guess to be honest, i'm invisible.

short entry and to the point, bc when i looked back at my last one i noticed how i talked myself into circles and i don't even know if it made sense.

at this point...nothing in my life makes perfect sense anyways, all random and full of the unexpected. i'm happy. i really am, i have a lot to look forward to, and this past month...has been a little bumpy, but none the less...amazing. i'm just frustrated and stressed with A LOT of things right now and its making me bitter. and i don't want to be like that. i want everything to fall into place, so just going to take it with one challenge at a time.

you were my dream, my world...but i was blind.

well a new trip means new photography, and of course...a new blog entry.

europe was amazing...

this trip...this escape. people take vacations to rid themselves of reality, when mine only opened my eyes to it. realizing that in just a couple of years i will be making a future for myself. and all i kept thinking is..."what if i settle?" "what if i don't make it?" i have my eyes set on a dream, and i can only hope that i will accomplish it. of course, dreams and priorities change, but i don't want to end up ruining it over something stupid. i want to make the right decisions. within these past couple of months i've made a very large decision that i don't believe i was mature enough to make, because i ended up making the wrong choice. i have a price to pay for it, and no gratification. it will probably be my one true regret.
keep doing the same thing over and over. acting, knowing the consequences, but still doing it anyway because in the moment it seems worth it, when in the end its not. i choose to be blind to the reality..like when a guy isn't right for me, yet i still fall for him anyway, i'm not taking care of myself, looking out for my best interest. fortunately there are those around me who do, but no one can control my life but me, and i need to start doing a better job.

i feel like i was so blind to all the possibilities for me, it kept me thinking about where i am now and where i will be in a couple of years. where will my passion be? who will be in my life? people there have such an appreciation for life, taking in the beauty and looking beyond whats in front of them. one day should not be a rush to get to tomorrow, it should be lived.

i got the answers i've been looking for since that last entry, they were right there staring at me...

it was tiring being here in the middle of everything, i felt like i couldn't breath and i needed a break from my life. when i left...it was like looking at myself from a birds-eye view . going back over everything from the past month and taking in all of the reality. finally soaking in what was said and done... i'm tired of being that girl...i'm ready for something more.

i realize now what i deserve.

back in the real world now. someone recently told me that i can have everything i want for myself...just maybe not all at once. timing is everything. i can see the world, and make a career out of what i love...but only if i work for it. so here it goes heather...what are you going to make of your life?

when your standing at a crossroad there's a choice you have to make.

so this will be my last post before Europe. apparently i will have no computer or phone. i asked for an escape...this certainly will be one.

needless to say that prom turned out great and that's a relief. so much planning, and it went by so fast. so surreal that just in a couple of months we will be graduating. its an out of body experience. I've learned so many things about myself this year, and many life lessons that i never really focused on. each day moves on and i get that much stronger. one thing that has been a lesson from the very beginning of the year: never make someone a priority when they only make you a choice. i read that quote somewhere and i realized how true it is.

how could i possibly complain about anything right now? i just had an amazing weekend topped with me leaving to Spain and France tomorrow... i am a lucky girl. i just have a hard time leaving the country without my closure and i have a feeling i'll never get it bc i just can't ask for it...i'm afraid of the response. i guess this is me..avoiding an issue that i wish i had answers to. i can run, but i can't hide. so i guess just take it one day at a time and keep moving along. i need to listen to my own advice.

here's to life lessons, experiences, broken hearts, mended wounds: hold on through the bad, take in the good.

& we're nothin more than fools and whores with sad highs

augustana lyrics in the title...my latest favorite cd.

its comes down to the basics. we are all looking for the same thing essentially. looking for the answers to our questions, finding that comforting closure that gives us peace to move on. looking to be wanted.

well, i'm definately looking for my closure. feeling like i'm walking on eggshells trying not to do or say the wrong thing and its frustrating. for once...please just this once i dont want to be dissapointed. nothing ever works out the way i had expected, which is why i rid myself of expectations earlier this year. but...i want this.

i keep acting without thinking.

shyyyyt.

actually i just think too much.

so much to look forward to in the next 3 weeks, it will be amazing. and thats not an expectation...thats a fact. i can't wait to escape for a while. its kind of like when i'm in the middle of an art project, and you just have to step back and clear your head before you go back to it, bc most of the time your perception on it will change. well, i love where my life is at right now, but i need to step back and clear my head, and maybe all those answers that i am looking for will appear obvious.

i've never feared the future before...

fall in love and fall apart

[ Autumn Alexandria Jenkins born 3.7.07 at 11:41pm]

what a week...

one thing after another, i don't think my emotions can take much more. my surfaced self is starting to return back to normal.

its hard to enjoy the good, when i can't ignore the bad. life comes and goes...but what if you aren't ready to let go.

this past month i've realized that it takes the motivation for what you want to make the change. one of my fears in life is that i will settle for what is right there in front of me. i only get what i want when i open my eyes and take the step. taking chances, making risks is what will get me where i should be, maybe even further. having this new sense of contentment and being comfortable in my skin allows me the confidence i need to pursue.. sure, i still have insecurities, it would be nonhuman not to.

fate.

i'm putting my trust in it, although i have the control of many decisions, i can't always control the outcome. i am really anticipating not to get attached and be let down when its gone. but, i guess its best to just enjoy it while i can, and worry about that later. of course this is the procrastinator in me talking.

&& i figured out what it is that i want..

now its just the other question needed to be answered: will i be disappointed?

the curiosity never ends.

must i always be waiting on you

[ photo by me from april 06]

what do i want? what is it...that will truly make me happy? will i get disappointed?

i don't have an answer. well...maybe i have an idea of what it is. but do we really know what will make us content until we have it?

so many questions right?

i can't even get my thoughts straight to write a blog entry. i guess i'll wait and write a better one another time.

in the mean time i'll get some of my answers...

i can't let you go.

completion.answers.truth. steadiness.security.

thats what i want right now. i want to feel complete and in order to do so, i need some answers. i hate leaving things up in the air, on the edge of my grasp, so easily lost.

how can you be content...and fearful at the same time. i live in the moment, no expecation on the future, remember.. but not dwell on the past.

life cannot be analysed. you cannot analyse yourself, a situation, a problem, or any other person. by breaking it down into seperate parts, you know the components of what makes it whole, but do you really undestand what the whole is?

here is my abstract analogy for my life right now:

my life is a knot. yes..a knot. everything is tangled up. its all random and sometimes frustrating. you pull one end and you make it worse, or you do something to loosen it up and make it easier. i find that i keep returning back to where i started, and then go again. it keeps me curious, i feel like there is an answer right there in front of me on how i can untangle this knot, but i can't see it. i have to be patient, but seriously...i've been patient for so long.

really...i should learn to be suprised by life instead of always trying to figure out what is going to come at me next. you know....i like suprises, its just hard to give me one.

my only worry now is that i end up empty handed. i'm having an amazing time right now, i only hope it can last.

alright well, if you undestood all this...props to you.

i need some inspiration. i'm lacking passion in my life right now. these blog entries are getting dry and my art is getting weak. i guess i'm just at the surface of emotions right now.

life gets that much harder, it makes you that much stronger

so i haven't written in here for a while, which is actually unusual for me.

i have no emotional issues, boy troubles, or friend drama. i can't complain about my life at the moment. but i believe i need to step back and take a good look at what i'm making of myself.

we all make mistakes, i have had a great share in making them. You learn and move on, don't repeat the past. my problem is..those who feel that they have the right to judge my life. right now, i'm just living. making the best of my youth, because last semester i noticed that i grew up too fast. i matured. i love that about me, but at the same time i want to be able to take in the fact that this is my one and only chance at being an adolescent. my one and only chance to be silly, and have an excuse for it. i want to have fun, but of course, one must do it with class. yes i have changed, but i've only grown into who i truly am. i held back for so long, and now for some reason i feel this sense of liberation of being able to do what i want...and not being influenced by my friends or the fear of being judged for it.

we all make mistakes out of curiosity, the "what ifs". from the outside looking in, its obvious what the wrong choices are. its like watching a movie and your yelling at the girl in the creepy dark house not to open the door, yet she still does it anyway. we do it for the satisfaction of knowing. and its ok to do it, sure i have regrets, but i don't dwell on them. the many experiences i have had just build my identity and make me stronger. its all a part of the journey.

i'm over high school. the preceding judgements and reputations. i can't wait for spring break, taking a little preview of what my last two years of college will be like. i get to spend 5 nights in Barcelona, and 4 nights in Paris. oh its going to be a trip i'll never forget. the best part is how far away it is from "the well".

my camera is FINALLY fixed, so i can put up some new photography soon. i'm sooo excited. if i could just get over being sick, then i can get the energy to go take some photos. plus we got a new lens for close ups. ah i'm pumped. just wait till i get to take photos in Europe.

:]

well just a little update, nothing profound or long. i just felt like writing my thoughts a little bit.

all things that break you, you can't change the past

i really need to learn to accept things in my life right now as they are, but i'm just having a hard time doing that. i feel as if i would be settling, and i have always made a promise to myself to never settle. you get the life you are given, you make the best of walking with your head held high even though your scars can still be seen by others. we all make mistakes, we all have regrets, we all wish we could go back. but living in the past is not anticipating the future. and because i know that i can't change my past, and i've made mistakes and learned great lessons from all of them, i'm ready to take what i've learned and move forward. i'm done with the high school chapter of my life. i'm ready to graduate, i'm not made for this life style anymore. i want to experience new things, new people, new places. 115 days...then i'm free. i just feel like a prisoner in high school, so many limits. i need to let go of some things that i love about high school to get to the other side. i'm just rotting here in "the well". wasting my time when i could be doing better things with my time.

i got an offer to go to the lower part of Spain in addition to Barcelona and France for spring break, but that would mean missing 5 days of school before spring break. there is no doubt in my mind that it will be worth it, but i'm just worried i'll get really behind so close to graduation. i don't know what to do. its in God's hands. i know i will be guided into the right decision.

although i'm finally gaining some steadiness right now, i still feel like i need one of my great escapes. haven't decided what it will be yet....sneaking out for stars? far away friends? the possibilities are endless, but i do want to share my escape with people. so i better start planning. but of course, you can never plan an escape, it just sort of happens spontaneously. i feel like watching a sunrise or going to the lake or something. well, i guess i'll just see what happens.

on another note...i'm so ready for warm sunny weather. get my tan back, my legs are blinding right now. i loveee summer. plus it helps that we just got new additions to the family...2 brand new, very nice, top of the line, 3 seater....JET SKIS. i've only been asking for them for 3 years. its about time. got some dry suits too, so i'll probably be hitting those up this weekend.

a moment in your arms became the reason why

[ bondfire: 10-23-06 photo by me ]

as i mentioned in the previous blog, this has been the first time in months that i am happy. and i'm not talking about a temporary happy for the moment, or the happy because of something special. i have survived the drowning waters. i am a living proof, that in time, you can conquer your existance as it is. you can make something of yourself. i just needed a little confidence. so here it is 2nd semester....a 2nd chance to make this year something i will truly never forget. no more plastured fake smiles, this is the real deal. I have spent months searching for what it is that was missing, and what was missing was....me. i know this may sound extreme, but only if you truly know who i am,or what i have gone through, are you able to understand this blog entry.

no more hiding, no more escaping. here i stand, take it or leave it. i felt the silence, no help was given. i had to figure this all out by myself. i felt as if i was in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one heard me. dramatic? yes because it was. i've never experienced any out of body situation like that.

for now:

my father: is my father. calling me, sending me messages, checking up on my life, taking an interest. only took him 10 years to figure it out, but better late then never. i have prayed for us to finally have something in common and be able to have a father-daughter relationship. i was a daddy's girl, and it was lost for far too long.

my friends: just when you think your alone, they prove you wrong. i don't care about who i hang out with, as long as you have a good time, does it really matter? i loooove meeting and hanging out with new people. i may have many aquantinces, but i do have a small group of friends that i know will always, always be there for me. i'm here for them too. without knowledge of it, some of them have really helped me, but all in their own unique way.

just when you think your running in place, suddenly all the pieces start coming together.

conlusion: welcome back heather. its great to see you again.

i had a great weekend, and there are plenty more where that came from.

CONGRATS to me!

I held off writing this entry until the full week was complete...so here it is.

a full...absolute week of pure happiness. no letdowns, no tears, no hurt, no pain. it feels amazing to be out of that dark hole that i was in. im done letting other people control on how i feel about myself. It has come to that peak in the school year that i don't care about what i do or say, bc it simply does not matter at this point. go ahead and look ridiculous, as long as you are having fun doing it. I see great potential for this semester. NO EXPECTATIONS, but full potential. so time to sit back, and enjoy the ride. but hold on tight...its going to be long and bumpy.

when it feels like the end and theres no place to go

so here is how i see it...

lets go back to august: no problems, no issues, i was extremely happy with the way things were falling into place. it was the beginning of senior year and i was full of great expectations. ok..

now lets go back to about early december...

although things had gotten worse, this.....this was my all time low of the year. I was not in a good place at all. looking for a smile when i couldn't find one, looking for answers when none existed, looking for a friend when no one was there. i felt stuck. sounds depressing right? yea well it kind of was. had absolutely nothing to do with anyone or anything specific (just thought i'd make that very clear). just hard time with my family, college application stress, trying to figure out what i was going to make of myself, it was the months of soul searching. what i wanted had changed. i had changed.

ok.... good.

so now, lets go to present. because the past is going to stay there where it belongs.

i don't believe in expecations anymore. i actually have a semi-relationship with my father that i had been searching for... about oh 7 years. I have good classes that actually appeal to my interest. ..andd I DON'T CARE about reputations or social structure anymore. 5 more months and the only people i will ever see again is the ones i like...or am close to. no worries.

i'm getting the good in small dosages.

i do love.

i do live.

i do not expect.

i do envy.

i do believe that in this very moment...i am content. will things get better? worse? stay the same? who knows....i'm not going to predict. just live.

life is too short to be anything but happy. and that....i must remember!

keep holding on, you'll make it through.

what i want, what i can have, and what i have....are all completely different.


pathetic.

we're trying and we're breathing.

ok

as an old friend pointed out today...i'm very hard to please. so with that said and done...i need to realize what i have is so much better than what i think i need. just 5 more months. i really do have some people in my life that would do anything for me and are always there when i need them. they are worth keeping, they are worth my attention. i've let go of those who look down on me or have forgotten i exist. and i feel so much better. life is too short to wait for people to come back. you just have to keep on moving just as they are. what happens..happens. fate will lead to where i need to be. and as of right now, i see quite the adventure coming in my near future.

i also found out about rumors about me from earlier this year. oh how people don't know me at all. i'm constantly mis-understood. my words are never really taken in as they should be. high school: drama. cliques. fakeness. non of which appeals to me. its not like we don't come in contact with these situations in our daily lives in the future, but i'm over it. i'm over social status, reputations, popularity, judgements. i mean...until you actually get the time to really know someone...and i mean really know someone, you have no right to judge them. we are all guilty of it, i know i am.

life keeps moving past me. and i need to learn to keep up. stop being pathetic, put a smile on, and get out there. listening to music and looking at stars is not going to solve or satisfy my issues.

i'm in a good place right now. hopefully, for once this year i can keep it up. HA! at the rate i'm going, thats very unlikely. but for now i'm going to enjoy my contentness.

keep holding on heather, you can get through this.

you are a lot tougher than you look.

& on another note.

New York...my 18th birthday: one word

outstanding. shopping, looking around, lunch...was all way cool.

i feel older, i see the change.

i don't loook older but thats a whole other story. from holding in feelings, to expressing them openly. that is a big difference from a year ago. it can only go up from here.

one day at a time, this is all i can do.

you are beautiful

dont search for anything new if you already have something wonderful.


sometimes we don't realize that the best we'll ever have is right there infront of us. you don't see it bc its so familiar. you want a change, you want something different. you want what you can't have.



its time i appreciate the people that are here for me, rather than complain about the ones that arn't.

you turned away, but not to me

my last blog entry for 2006. it has officially been almost a year since i have started this blog. go ahead...take a look into my past. look at how my setting, my friends, my expectations, my dreams, my passion, my identity...has all shifted, i don't recognize the old me anymore. i don't deny that in just a year...i'm not the same person i was. matured? grown? yea but who hasn't. for me its the fact that i met myself. i learned who i was, what i want to do in life, what i love, what i hate. i'm no longer influenced by those around me. i stand my own ground, and whether that leaves me to battle it out on my own, i'm finally ok with that. i have to learn to be confident enough in myself to be able to love another.

2006...you broke my heart, gave me hope, crushed me, made me feel unstoppable, made me feel inferior, its been a bumpy ride. do i regret any of it? of course not. life is built on experience, and although i didn't know it at the time, every painful moment when feel like your stomach just jumped into your throat and you can hardly breathe..well this was only a small price to pay. the pain only makes the relief seem exasperating. this is is just the beginning. i don't think that my mind ever stopped ticking. trying to find the profound statement behind each incident.

apathy: the necessities to moving on. denial, anger, love, jealousy...those are all emotions. and until those are non-existent, there is still an emotional attachment to someone. this was probably my biggest lesson this year. learning to let go and move on. but in order to do so...i had to feel apathy.. its such an abating feeling when your able to discharge yourself from these feelings that inhibited you from living.

well if you got a glimpse of my last blog entry before i saved it from being public, you know that i'm done with expectations. so let me just explain the chaotic year ahead: 2007!

18th birthday

spain/france trip

my niece is born


graduation


going to college




only a few things but very big events. nothing my family can't handle...trust me we've had busier years. so i predict (not expecting) a year of maturity. going to be living on my own, become a legal adult, pursue my future. so lets get down to the new years resolutions shall we...





• 
  
  don't let other people control my emotions on how i feel about myself.


• 
  
  try and actually save my money instead of constantly spending it.


• 
  
  don't live in fear, to live in fear is to not live at all.


• 
  
  don't get a broken heart (ha just thought id throw that in there but its impossible...part of life)


• 
  
  don't go back..only move forward.


• 
  
  get my grades up (typical new years resolution for the past 10 years)


• 
  
  pursue what i want, no matter what the obstacles may be. lets not get lazy anymore.


• 
  
  remember... your never alone.



yup. that pretty much sums it up. its going to be a huge undertaking in 2007. big changes. i just have to make sure that I override each barricade that looks me in the eyes. i'm stronger than i look. so bring it on 2007, i'm ready... destiny is calling me.

"So take these words and sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again
I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just the chance that maybe we'll find better days "

let love in

"I was your anger. and you were my fear. Now that it's over, of course it's so clear. But you were no angel, and i was no sin. somehow i can't let it go"



so i have been pondering "love" for a while. its a common issue for a lot of people right now. some are believers in it, some aren't. personally, i think love exists. its like faith, just because you can't see it, doesn't mean its not there. the only thing you can do is feel love.
such a powerful 4 letter word.
frustrating that people just throw it out there like its no big deal, but it is. and in the hands of the wrong person, love can turn out to be devastating.
there are different kinds of love: the love you have for your family, the love you have for your friends, the love you have for an activity, love for your significant other, temporary love for the rebound. the most rare love of all is the everlasting love. thats a tough one for me to pretend exists. after my parents divorce, and my brothers divorce...watching people fall out of love really hurt my belief in a love that lasts. but then again, theres my grandparents. 53 years they have been married, and sure their love has changed slightly, but its still there. that is the rarest and most precious type of relationship to have. you never hear of such a thing today. divorces...separations, always seem common after a marriage. does love really die though? or just go dormant...
&& there are no limits, no rules, no science, no boundaries to where it can go. Love can make you do the unthinkable. love either feels amazing, or catastrophic. turns you upside down and flips you over.

yup, love. you either hate it, or have passion for it.

i couldn't tell you how i feel about it.
i've been told that i'm just a sappy romantic. i guess thats my problem...separating the dream from reality.

you put your heart on a shelf..

"Life is lived forwards, and understood backwards"

there it is, the quote that sums it up. things are looking up, but its still not where i want to be. i'm in my transition state, which has lasted oh...6 months. i don't know what it is i am looking for, but i just can't seem to be satisfied. i know that tomorrow, i will understand today.

i went running yesterday after swim, and i thought ok...ill go run a mile or something then go home and study for my psych exam. no no...i kept running and running. went over 4 miles and realized that i had to go home and start studying. the thing is, i just had to get my frustration out some how with my family, myself, my friends, my school work, and other things that i wish i didn't have to deal with. i just wanted to keep running farther and farther, and i knew i would have to turn back eventually but i just couldn't do it. that's what i keep doing with all my escapes, you can keep running heather, but when you return your problems are still there. i just kept seeing the face of my unhappiness. the face of where i put all my emotions when i shouldn't. out of site out of mind is what i like best. if i don't see the problem in front of me, well then it doesn't exist.

i want real!! i'm so tired of these fake persona's that i can see right through. people don't think i catch on, i do, i just don't say anything. should i ? well maybe, but when i do i just get contradicted, so why bother. theres no escaping fake. it will always be there.

i have almost had this blog for an entire year. in just two weeks i'm going to be 18. am i different? most definitely. i have changed so much within just a short of amount of time. the people that are in my life have too.

i wasn't this same person i am today. today...and tomorrow and the next day. with each experience i have learned from my mistakes, crap happens. but you just have to move on, dwelling on it...is not going to make it any better. letting go of what makes you miserable is what will lead to your happiness. keep going and don't look back.

going back to the quote from the beginning, i don't understand a lof of what is happening to me right now, but in the future it will be obvious. for the first time in a year, i really don't understand myself. i'm so unsure of what i'm capable of.

my time will come.

i just hope its soon..

where are you now?

**** this.
(um i would type it out but this computer is tracked.)

i'm tired of fake...i want to see more real.
i'm tired of boys.
i'm tired of the same stuff, because its the same story from every single one.

and this isn't directed towards what guys have done to me...its directed towards what they have told me they have done to other girls.

you use them and take advantage of the fact that they are there just to temporarily satisfy that lonely feeling because you don't have the girl you want or a girl at all.
but i guess us girls are just too naive right?
wrong, they just refuse to believe it and convince themselves otherwise.

so basically, guys and girls, we are all in the same place. trying to satisfy that lonely state, despite who its with.
because girls...they arn't innocent either.


wow.


ok. so... tomorrow i'll probably feel completely different. i'm just a little frustrated by this.
just be honest with yourself and others...it would be so much easier.
sure you feel like crap sometimes...but its just a transition stage, it can only get better. pretending...faking it. it only builds up more tension and problems that you donnt need.

i'm done venting this... for now.

new co champions

so i don't think that this break could come at a better time...

i nnneeeeed to get away from here

i had a great friday night! good saturday, and fun with the girls while going to the game. but when i was there, i just looked around and it was the same people, same complications, same tension, and immaturity at its finest. i realize that its absolutely ridiculous that we tied for state...but throwing trash into the field is no way to prove a point. its immature annd rude. i was ashamed to be a part of my school at that point. what was worse was a former graduate...a guy..hit one of my best friends. i guess his prick attitude didn't change after graduating from this school. is this how its going to be for a lot of the students? are a lot of them never going to change their ways? i really thought i had my high school wrong, which is why i gave the game a chance. but it just proved my point. oh well. 6 months, then i can let go, and move on.

i have so much work to do. once its all done..i'm out of here.

its just a little too late

just when you think you have problems...

i went to the disabled childrens holiday party, and i realized that thats what christmas is really about. screw the presents, i don't need them. these children, dispite their problems, can't stop smiling. it crushed my heart thinking that just an hour before going i was thinking about all these ridiculous problems i had and now that i think of it, yes they're still there, but they definitely don't seem like such a big deal. life's too short to be anything but happy.

its time for me to let go.

oh &

advice for a select few:

grow up & stop being shallow. the real world is passing you by, and personally, i intend to live it to its full potential, and not hold back for a social status. if that means that i have to leave you behind, then so be it. i'm always here for the unappreciative. its time i move on to those who care.

thank you to those who have really been there for me this past week, you have no idea how much it has ment to me.

i have more to write...but too much hmwk and projects to do.

i'm almost alive, i need you to try and save me

finally, the time has come. 3 months it has taken..maybe more. but no more of this, i declare from this very moment that everything will get better. so being grounded this weekend, it did suck, BUT. it turns out, it was one of the best things that happened to me in a long time, i know it sounds crazy...but its true. because of this grounding, i found the answers i've been looking for. i even got back into painting a little bit, since i had nothing else i could do. i've been on some sort of soul search for the past couple of months, i took a turn for the worst. i felt like i was in a maze that had no ending. i kept taking the wrong turns, asking the wrong people for directions, depending on the wrong person to help me, expecting that i could do it on my own. there is something thats missing, and i figured that i could search for the answer, thinking that it had to come from someone else, but i was seriously wrong. the only person that can give me the answer...is myself. yes, i did need another person to help guide...but in the end, i had to reach this conclusion on my own.

i went through a phase of serious frustration. i'm always there for everyone, i help others, and i do it, not because i should, but because i want to. i want to be there for my friends, and i don't ever ask for anything in return. well...i hit a low of having to. i was drowning here, and i was reaching my hand to the surface hoping someone would see it and grab it, but no one did. i needed someone to be there for me, and then everyone disappeared. well thats fine, because eventually, i found my hero and she grabbed my hand and saved me from my pool of emotions that i was drowning in.

so i've found a fascination with star gazing lately, when i went to the cabin with some people a while back, we looked at the stars from the mountains;they were breath taking, i've seriously never seen so many stars. and i looked up for answers, i looked up with an empty heart. i wasn't satisfied, so i snuck out at 2am a couple weeks ago and looked up at the stars on ebenezer road, with 2 good friends and still...I looked up with question. i had a complete look of fear, fear that i would never get to where it is i want to be. then......tonight i came home late from a friends house and looked up at the stars by myself, all i could do was smile.

thats what i've been waiting for.

sure its not exactly the happiness i really want, but its a start.

my senior quote in the yearbook says "forever is never to long to wait for something perfect" and i constantly repeat it; thats because nothing could be further from the truth. it is going to get better, and next weekend....i will make sure will live up to my expectations. no more let downs...no! not this year.

pain throws your heart to the ground, love turns the whole thing around

so even though i was suppose to be doing homework...and such.

pride and the prejudice was on and well i couldn't resist, its one of my favs. and after watching it, i realized i must have been born in the wrong generation, 18th century England is where its at. passion is what this generation is lacking. i know i've lost it, i haven't painted in about a year. i have an empty sketch book sitting on my nightstand that hasn't been touched. no one appreciates what is right there in front of them. guys no longer respect girls, they are just a trophie. girls have become so insecure that they feel that wearing the least amount of clothes possible makes them the ultimate. ok so maybe 18th century is a little too far back, i'd gladly take the era of the notebook. love how i'm relating real life to romantic movies. i guess i just wish i could be in the time when girls wore dresses all the time and guys liked girls for who they were, not for their social status or what they wore, etc. back when real love exhisted. i know love is here now, but people are becoming lazy. no more big romantic gestures to get the girl, divorces keep happening left and right, cheating bastards wonder the streets. whats the point of marrying someone if your not willing to spend the rest of your life with this person. lame thats all i have to say. life just isn't appreciated like it used to be. don't get me wrong, i like to party and have a good time. sure i'm up for the occasional hook ups, but in the long run...what is it thats going to fill that empty spot? these temporary fillings are not going to fill that cavity. people , myself included, keep making these mistakes that from the beginning looked like a good idea, and you thought it would help you get rid of that gap, but it just doesn't satisfy like the real thing. time to think it through, time to go with that gut instinct.

ugh..i think too much.

" the heart of life is good"

broken

i'm tired.
i'm weak.

this is not like me at all. no one would know what i'm really feeling because...i hide it. i don't like to show my emotional side a lot. i guess thats why i love this blog, because i just write everything thats on my mind, everything that i'm feeling and its not the same as talking to someone, but it helps just to put it all out there. its interesting to read these later and i always wonder why i was upset at something so small.

well this is a much bigger deal. and i've come to realize that there is just something missing. a hole that needs to be filled, and i keep trying to place all these pieces to the puzzle in the wrong spot. i can't complete the picture, and its frustrating because i really want to know when i can get it together, when i can see what it is that i was missing all along. i think i know whats missing, i just refuse to believe it. and although i can obviously see that the pieces don't go , i still try to jam them together anyway, having to make the mistakes that i knew i was going to make.

its time that i get some good sleep. focus for the next 3 weeks...and then winter break will be here before i know it. then its the greatest break ever, hopefully it will live up to my expectations. theres no more room for disappointment right now.

time to stop letting other people control my emotions.

i can do it. just need a little faith in myself. that's all.

confidence would be a nice thing to have right now.

"Didn't you want to hear

The sound of all the places we could go

Do you fear The expressions on the faces we don't know

It's a cold hard road when you wake up

And I don't think that

I Have the strength to let you go "

invisible

its all very clear to me now.

congrats! you really had me fooled...

as a matter of fact, you probably don't even realize this is directed towards you.

the prettiest things are sometimes the dangerous things

you can always run but you can't always get away.

although i think i can hide from the issues, or delay them, they are still there. so its time i stop complaining in a blog, and do something about it. just 3 weeks...3 lonnng weeks.

&&& on another subject:

i'm waiting for the big romantic gesture.

the proof that maybe there is still hope in the male gender.

don't worry boys, i haven't lost all faith... yet.

so i was reading this persons blog...and um im going to pull an angie and quote someone else. "searching for happiness takes more time and its not an over night process.and you cant find happiness if you dont let go of the things that hold you down or pull you back.life is about moving forward and sometimes people get left behind.so open your eyes because you are bound to get hurt sometime.and the things that hurt make you stronger and less vulnerable for next time. fate becomes obvious in the long run.but you have to open your eyes, make the change, and take the steps."

i def. could not have said it better myself. kind of wierd considering i don't know this person, but his wording was exactly what point i've been trying to get out in the past couple of blog entries. basically i know i will find what i'm looking for, this is just a transition period. the gravel road before the paved. it will get easier, it will stop being hurtful, it will get better.

oh and somehow i figured out how to put music on here..so um enjoy.

<3

when your dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part

so here is what my blog would have sounded like:

how can someone who is never alone...feel so lonely? everything that i've done lately has been so unappreciated. everyone knows that i'm always going to be there for them, and so they take advantage of it. i'm not a door mat, i just care, and am willing to do anything for my friends. I never ask for anything in return, its just the duties of friendship. what is disappointing, is that when i'm in need of help, you don't notice, nor do you help. you ditch me, thinking that i'll always be there when you bounce back. i'm apparently not always good enough, theres someone better. well i say...thats your loss not mine. status is just a word, not who you are. i know who i am, i know where i'm going in life, i know...that i will accomplish great things when i put my mind to it, and the only people worth sharing my life with, are those who actually take an interest in me and don't look down on me. the ones who will help me talk through an issue, and be there for me when i really need someone. I am not the type to ask for help, its a hard thing for me to do. i always think that i can dominate these obstacles alone, its in my pride. but there comes a time when you come crashing down and you just need someone to be there when your at your worst. and few people have really been that shoulder for me to lean on this year. it seems that we all have our head in the clouds, stressing about unimportant social issues or the important fear of our future. well, i am one to live in each moment. well, whos with me? whos willing to be spontanious and make the absolute best of this life that we only have one issue of? whos willing to stop social climbing, and just be appreciative of the friends that you have rather than depending on aquintances that lack the true connection of a good friendship.

yes, these were all my thoughts prior to my drive home

do you notice a word that is mentioned a lot in that paragraph? the word "me".

i was driving home and i looked through the window of the ambulance in front of me. i saw this little girl in there, just starring back at me. she was in the bed, with a look of absolute fear in her eyes. she kept looking at her father who was kneeling beside the bed praying and trying to be brave for his little girl. she was looking at him for re-assurance that everything was going to be ok. that she will get through this.

and i realized thats what i keep doing, looking around trying to find someone to give me the confidence that i need to know that i can get through this. i need to start focusing my attention to people who will appreciate my care. there are others out there that really do need help, and are also looking for the brave eyes to look into. there are people out there who could really use my helping hand, that little girl in the ambulance for example, and i'm going to find a way to give it.

i just need to start directing my focus somewhere else for a while. maybe, this way..i wont get hurt. i love my life...but also...

there is nothing wrong with the want to be wanted.

<3

Belief is a beautiful armor, but makes for the heaviest sword, like punching underwater, you never can hit who your trying for

yup. this break...exactly what i needed. i hung out with my favorite people.

just made me excited for winter break. the best time of the year. christmas, new years, my birthday, and good times.

for the past month or so, i think i've had an escape every weekend. and as i told everyone earlier, escapes are completely necessary. i don't think i've hung out with the same crowd over and over agian this year. i like it that way, just bouncing from group to group, meeting new people and having a change of atmosphere. little did i know that i have my own escape just 3 minutes from my house.

bowling, racing down 92, boat rides, hitting golf balls, ice skating, sneeking out at 2am to look at stars, just hanging out with good friends with good conversations, taking sketchy pictures at the lake, partying, etc etc...this all consumed my thanksgiving break. and i loved every minute of it.

and i need to keep reminding myself that despite the low points, this year has been amazing. and i will be sad to see it go, but i'll definately be ready to move on.

theres nothing left to say

the picture says it all. i went to my secret spot and took some photos. and of course the trail that i really wanted to go to was blocked off. go figure.

well my path to destination is under construction too. and i need to proceed with caution. there is a direction that i want to go, and fate is not leading me there. there are so many signs as to way i should not try to force what i want. but i am so curious as to what it would be like. i want to go against fate for once, and make my own mistake. but i believe that everything happens for a cause and there is a reason why i'm not where i want to be. take this as a learning experience. take it as it is.

for some reason though... i just can't accept it.

but, of course i'm going to have to.

and i'm going to accept it with no fear or worry.

thanksgiving was a great day.i spent time with my dad, and i learned something new about him. after hitting golf balls, he asked me " now, did you think about any of your problems while you were out there?" and suprisingly, no i didn't. and he told me how this was his one escape from all his worries and i never realized that. so he escapes with hitting a golf ball, and i escape by doing art. maybe we arn't that different after all. we just need that little time to pretend that there are no other people in the world, that there are no problems to be solved, and no fears to be had. for those few moments, its just you and your current focus.

of course, it never hurts to bring a friend along for the escape. just make sure you bring the right person.

you know, i have seen a lot of some beautiful scenery these past couple of weekends. i appreciate my surroundings and the people in them. BUT i'm also ready for my surroundings and people in them to appreciate me...

(my tennessee pic)

better with me

do you ever get that feeling that everything is just not right?

this break came at a perfect time. i find myself on edge and snapping at people. getting annoyed because i have all these things i want to get done, or i have an idea of how i want things to go, and others just get in the way. i'm sorry if you were a victim of my attitude this past week. its the stress and emotional rollercoster i'm on. no excuses, i know i was very unlike myself these past couple of weeks. to put it down to the basics. i'm frustrated. i can't seem to make anything go the way i want, and i feel like i let everything that i have good just slip from my fingers.

my patience is wearing thin.

& i'm tired of being the one who always gets hurt.

it can only go up from here...i hope.

just when i think i have everything under control, my world gets turned upside down.

but thats life. it just keeps throwing out the unexpected and i patiently battle them out but when do i get a break from it all? never because that would be too easy. well i decided that on this short break, i'm going to take the time to re-group myself. remember what it is that makes me...me. and try not to get all caught up in my social life and family drama.

just trying to stay optimistic, but when everyone else goes down, they just keep dragging me down with them. it has to stop.

i guess i missed you

ok so the last blog was a little dramatic. yet truthful. i find that most people just can't handle the truth...shame.

oh how things have changed. i find myself lately just remembering the good times i've had last year. such a great year. i loved it.

high school, its gotten so cliqued. id be much more content with a few good friends to a thousand acquaintances. but the beauty of it? in like 6 months or so, all those stupid drama fights, all that gossip, all the lame boys that hurt you..will all be pushed aside as we leave for something much more important, our future. in 6 months, all those rumors will mean nothing, bc the real friends that know the truth ,well they will stick by you. and thats all you need. when you look back at all those pictures from senior year, you should only remember the good, and erase the bad.

i'm ready to cross that platform into the unknown. i'm ready to tackle whats ahead and really make something of myself in this world. as a matter of fact...i want to see the world.

there are much bigger problems out there than what the person in your econ class thinks of you.. its sad that a lot of people haven't figured that out yet. the high school social scene is not what defines me. I define me.

i want to push myself, and see what i'm capable of.

come on future...

bring it, i'm ready.

this world so hollow

i'm looking for the answers in all the wrong places and expecting too much.

expectations are a set up for disapointement.

someday you willl be loved

finally, a week of steadiness. probably one of my better weeks
in a long time. i honestly couldn't tell you the cause of it. probably because i've finally put my priorites in line. i've accepted certain things for what they are, that they can't change, and i'm just going to have to make the best of it and move on. i've also come to the conclusion that i have to wait for what i want, and put what needs to be done first.

fear is the heart of love.
to live in fear is to not live at all.

and i've come to realize that senior year is my year of sponatnious actions. i've done things this year that i never though i would. i've befriended people i never thought i would know. junior year was a year of great change for me, finding out who i am. sophomore year was a transition year, realizing that there is a lot more to be discovered. and well freshman year was nothing special.

everything happens for a reason. no one could believe that more than i do.


i've encountered some pretty huge battles in my life, and i've conquered all with my head held high and a face that portrayed strength. and now, i think that i actually have that strength to back it up.

and after 9 years of feeling hurt, i finally have the courage to stand up for myself and explain what actions have caused me such pain. and i think, that i've finally have made him proud. and i think that we might actually be able to have a real relationship. no more awkward conversations. finally, a father figure that is actually my father. and that is the closure i've been seeking for far too long.

so yes, i guss you could say that things are looking up for me. i only hope that i can keep this steadiness for a while. i'm over the ups and downs.

beautiful disaster

this is how i see it.

my life, is like a road trip.

after a long time of moving towards what i think is my destination, there are obsticles to endure. rest stops, time to re-group and look after myself. over bearing trucks that intimidate, keeping me from feeling the confidence i need to conquer the road. the wrong turns, that may lead to disaster and delay my journey. getting lost and feeling as if i will never get to where it is i want to be. the dead ends, that make my future and plans seem impossible. the bridges and short cuts that i take to pass over potential problems.during the whole trip...there are so many things that could go wrong, danger, and restrictions, but once i reach my destination, all those hindrinces that i overcome just make the journey seem well worth it.

the only difference is, there is no permanent map. the road names and destination are constantly changing for me. just when i think i can do it alone, i come to the realization that i can't. its ok to stop and ask for directions every now and then. its ok to want to take someone along for the ride. and its ok to be a little intimidated.

well right now i'm a little lost, but i know i will find my way back to the road of my destination. its just going to take some time and patience to find the right exit.

see right through me

is running from my problems really the answer?

i feel like i keep decieving myself, trying not to see the obvious truth.

i want to go back to being a child, when i thought my life was picture perfect, even though it was far from perfection.

what is it going to take to make me happy again? thats what i'd like to know. i must be looking for the answer in all the wrong places, or maybe i'm just done being patient.

someone grab me by the hand and guide me in the right direction.

every step i make forward, i just take 10 steps back. constantly running in place watching as problems pile up and only sitting there rotting as i try to avoid them. putting on my fake smile, convincing myself everything is ok.

closer

my problem, expectations are only a set up for dissapointment. as are dreams. so whats the point? just keep hoping for this image you have in your head, and to only be dissapointed when it doesn't work. how is it that i started off the week feeling so good, and now... i can't even explain what emotion i'm feeling because i don't even know.

what happened?

how is it that everything became so difficult..i don't even recognize anything anymore. it all changed so fast. can i please just fast forward...skip all these annoyances, gossip, and stress. i think i'd settle for winter break.maybe that'll help. psh yea right. theres no escape. there are eyes watching everywhere. careful, one move and the whole school will know by 7th period. thats high school for you. its not all bad. once i step across that platform on graduation, thats it. one part of my life is over. that is an overwhelming feeling.

one things for sure..

i'm done settling. i'm so much better than this. or am i just setting my standards too high? i cant get my thoughts straight to even write a blog that makes sense or is worth reading. i guess i'll just babble. its my blog so i can do whatever the hell i want.

to feel wanted. yup, thats what i want. but by the right people, i wish i knew both sides to this story. the truth is there. just unattainable by me.

it comes to the point where i dont care anymore. look, heres my white flag. i surrendor. call me weak, but i've fought hard. i give up trying. if you think your better than me, and this is directed towards everyone, then thats fine. anyways, who made you the judge?

i just want the feeling of knowing that there is someone by my side no matter what happns.

well now i'm mis spelling words, i can barely keep my eyes open.

later..