be strong..breath

so my favorite class is writing.. and today we had a 30 minute writing assignment and here is how it went. now remember i had to make it quick..and i never finished. but whatever

'' Perception is one of my favorite words. Anyone can lok at the same thing as the person next to them yet percieve their visions differently. To find that one who will win you over, body and soul, is a personal view. If I had to sescribe the one who would capture my interest, this individual would be anything but weak. The way in which i live my life requires someone who can keep up. Living spontatniously, jumping from one subject to the next and making mistakes left and right are how i consume my days. When I look into the eyes of this mysterious beholder i should feel as if my world has just been placed into safe hands. Don't lock me up or cage me in, but lookout for the steps i make because when i fall he should be there to catch me in arms that are strong enough to carry my emotional baggage.
Ther are many which i have encountered but none that fascinate my interest. I want that guy to keep me on my toes with suprises that i would graciously reward with an appreciative smile. This mate would stare at the stars with me and see in them the stability just as i do. The heart is a delicate object that should be guarded with all effort. When this fragile gift is broken it seems impossible to sew it up again. Old scars are slowly healing but he should quckly make them dissapear. This is a person who makes your reality better than the dreams that fill your head each night. Can't breath, can't think, but only can feel each moment together...."

ok i don't feel like elaborating because i have other stuff to do.

then she thinks about her life, pulls her hair back as she screams

so here i am week two of college...as its slowly coming to an end and the weekend is approaching i had some time to quickly replay all the events, letdowns, unexpected realizations, contact with random people, and well of course just life in general. School work now is much more enjoyable because everything i learn pertains to life of which i plan on living. sure there is the unecessary math class that teaches me formulas that i know i will never use...but then there is those that take a deeper look into what makes us humans act the way we do and why we do it. I''m a psychology major and as i progress forward i can see how this is the perfect direction for me to take. the road that i was taking had little direction and misguided maps...but i think that i have it right now and i couldn't be happier with my decision.
here is my thoughts right now...

happiness: utilitarianism: morals
heres my question- why can't we be content with what we have instead of searching for what makes us happy? with the advances in technology and in life...we have different things that we couldn't imagine living life without. there were those back then that considered happiness just the fact that they were alive. i don't think that 50 years ago people were upset because their ipod broke...what about the times we didn't even have our computers, ipods, cell phones...we were still content with life right? how do we know what we are missing out on..if we never have it to begin with? with greater gain comes greater loss. imagine getting a brand new diamond necklace...it makes you soo happy. but what about when you lose it...then comes the greater upset.
the good makes the bad worse..but it works both ways because the bad can make the good even greater. you have to take in consideration that when you recieve what makes you happy...are you willing to accept the consequences of when it is gone.
ok ok so your probably wondering why i bring this up..well its simple. this is basically why i never feel like i should recieve anything good...because to me i weigh my options and i always wonder what will happen when the good gets bad. am i willing to survive it? can i handle it? is it even worth it? whenever i feel like everything is heading in the right direction...something comes along a screws it up. this is why i no longer feel that expectations are worth a thought...and i'm slowly loosing my optimism. i long, i pray, i hope...and in the end i'm left where i didn't want to be. i'm so tired of letdowns, i'm so tired of disapointements...i'm so tired of not being able to be stabily happy. i look around and i feel like these people keep gettting everything i've ever wanted...and they don't even deserve it.. selfish? yeah i guess so. i am just wondering when its my turn.

experiences have built what morals we abide by today. i do what is right based on the hindrances i have conquered...i am as strong as i am now because of what i go through. it just makes me wonder what i'm doing wrong..do i not deserve the good things in life just like everyone else?

i hate this entry because its so pessimistic..and if you truly know me you also know that i am a silver lining person. but with one storm after another...its hard to see that glow i once called sun. maybe i'm just hoping for the wrong things. if it wasn't for the mistakes i have made, the times i've been through....i wouldn't have met all the amazing people that are in my life. i wouldn't be the person i am today. i'm just tired of being told by so many people that i'm amazing and deserve nothing less...if thats so true why i am i left...why am i getting anything but what you believe i deserve. i guess i just don't buy it anymore...you know what i think i need...an escape. now that is true heather talking right there. 10 years later i am still going to be the same free spirit i am today because i'm not going to let anyone cage me in..and i'm too stubburn to let anyone take care of me. when am i going to learn... i don't want anymore highs and lows...yes thats life..but please let me stand on top for a while long enough to enjoy it. i guess i'm just overwhelmed with everything in my life right now that this might not all be making sense. i'm simply venting...and if you followed this whole entry...ha i'm sorry.

i guess i should get some sleep...even though that also keeps getting harder and harder. i'm no longer looking for the answers to all my questions..instead i'm just going to float and let life guide me through the waves. they keep hitting me hard..so hopefully i will be in some smooth waters soon. but again..i doubt it. don't get me wrong..i love a life that keeps me on my feet..but maybe not so much in a negative way anymore.

i wanted to see something thats different, something you said would change in me

so here i am...in my new "home" trying to create my new "life". ...i've mentioned time and time again how i rid myself of expectations because there are only there for the let down. when life doesn't go the way you think it will...but yet is still good...your still somehow let down because its not what you had expected. making sense? good.
well college was nothing that i had put expectation on. but whos to say its bad? i've met some pretty awesome people...i've had some pretty amazing nights...my life has great potential. so why do i feel as if its a letdown? well...

although i've met new friends, had new experiences, and go home to a new bed...it doesn't feel like me anymore. i look in the mirror and see a whole other person.i learned that we look in the mirror to see what others see when they look at us. When i look at my reflection...what do i want people to see? it all goes back to my favorite word perception.
i miss my old friends way too much..and although my life is big enough for more people to be in it...i choose to be stubburn and hold on to the old. i feel empty...there is a hole in me waiting to be filled and for some reason i can't understand why. I don't live alone and i'm out everynight with different people..yet...i feel wierd. I understand this is a transition and it can only get better because hell...i'm in college. its suppose to be the best 4 years of my life...but rightnow i'm not impressed. I guess i just have a past with such a great reputation that its going to be hard for others to fulfill that status.

there is a lot to look forward to...so need to start listening to my own advice..stop looking back and enjoy the present with hope for the future. its going to be as great as i make it..and i plan on making it unforgetable.

we remember all the good times we've had together

my stomach is sinking..
my goodbyes are done...and all that is left is to move forward. i have no more tears left in me...no more. I need to start saying all my hellos...and let go of what has happened here in roswell. Time for new memories, as hard as it will be..new friends. but i know that through out all of the people i have said bye too..there are a bunch who are going to remain in my life for a long time. this is not the end...and i need to keep telling myself that. its time for a new chapter in my life..time to move forward.




let time..take me by the hand and guide me through.


here i go...

another turning point a fork stuck in the road, time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go..

these goodbyes are just getting harder and harder...


unfortunately it looks like there is one person who i wont be able to say bye to...whats worse is...i can see why...and he should just be honest with me. and it sucks because i had some important things to say... well...i tried i guess... and i hope you read this...because yeah...it kind of hurt me that you just ignored it.


tomorrow is going to be the worst for letting go....i'm so tired of all this depressing meetings to say bye. one more day...i'm kind of getting nervous.



this sucks. but at the same time...its so exciting!

never let a memory become stronger than the dream

i'm freaking out over here!

how can i be excited...when i have to go through all of these goodbyes.
how can i look forward...when i only want to stay put where i am at right here....right now...
how can i grow up....when i want to stay the same age with the same people.

now i can only take the memories and the pictures with me..but really i want to take my childhood innosence along with my friends.

i really didn't think it was going to be this hard...

and i really didn't think i was going to cry...because you give that one last hug knowing the next one just isn't going to be the same. and thats only if there is a next one..

and i know i say all this now...and in a few weeks i'll be ok. but this is just too much for me. i can't say goodbye anymore...so instead its a see you later. i need to stop crying because i'm leaving...but start smiling because i was there.
and it needs to hit me that...this isn't the end..its only the beginning!

oh no..here comes that sun again..that means another day without you my friend

(photos by me june 2007)

room 208. thats where its at.
so those pictures were from my trip up to the new school a while back. i am in such a confusing place right now. i'm exhausted by this week...and yet i find myself writing in here because although i'm so tired i could cry....i can't sleep. i looked back at the older blog entries from a couple months ago that i never put public. brought back all those emotions that i was feeling at the time.
this time next week....i will be sitting in my dorm room. far from family and close friends. although i have my lovely room mate and best friend with me..it will be an intimidating transition. i know i'm ready, and yet for some reason i question if i am. this is a bittersweet moment. i need to go forward...yet i want to hold back. I want to get the best 4 years of my life started..but i still want to hold on to the last 4. its a tug o war against my future and my past. and although the past is pulling strong at the moment...once i'm there on my own...the future will take over. i feel wieghted down and its impossible to lift my foot to keep walking, but in just a few weeks it will be so easy to move forward i could run. what am i going to make of myself? will i succeed? will my current friends be there when i return? or will they move on just like i am?

there are so many of us facing the reality of goodbye. but for me it just slapped me all of the sudden that this is it...i'm growing up. i'm leaving the past judgments, mistakes, and difficult times behind. but at the same time i'm loosing my innocence, amazing memories and great friends. but...the past is the past and i need to accept it as what it is. the real reality will hit me when i enter that empty white dorm room just ready to be personalized. its all so overwhelming and surreal. I'm not a high school student anymore...i'm on my own. now the real question is...how am i going to use this freedom?

my minds in your eyes, can your love embrace me as i am

i'm curious.

i'm stuck.


i'm tired.


i'm anxious


i'm nervous

i'm excited.


i'm hurt.

i'm confused.

i'm jealous.....


is it possible to feel all these emotions at once? probably because there are so many things on my mind at once.
don't worry..this is just the beginning to a very long blog...because i know i will get grief that this is so short.

there is beauty in the breakdown

"Unrequited love is love that is not reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired"
i'm pretty sure there are many of us who have been victims of this. if not love...at least like. it is the cruelest of all evils. Its as if someone has put a spell on you...and in an instant you would drop everything and change your whole day to work around your infatuation. I think this is weak...yet at a point in time i think i may have been a victim of this destruction. no...i know i was. it makes you feel worthless and pitiful. You kick yourself for being entranced over and over again because when you come out on the other side..your still alone. there are so many people in your life..yet you worry about one.
sad? maybe
wierd? possibly
painful? absolutely.
so your probably wondering why i'm writing about this..because no worries..i am under NO spell right now but from observation... i feel like it pertains to my last blog entry a tad bit. its called "letting go". 2 of the most difficult words to express. we all say that we wont do that bad habit anymore...yet we always do. thats simple enough...then there are the people. now whats interesting about this "unrequited love" is that despite how much that person may have hurt you, used you , and abused you....its always so easy to go back. you like having them there...because without them in your life you feel as if you serve no purpose and you still have those feelings for them whether they are returned or not.
am i getting too deep for anyone? this is the bold truth most people refuse to see. i've never realized how awful this really is. and what is worse are the ones who hold the hearts of another in their fragile hands...and all they do is crush it. and it makes you wonder how its so easy for them to do. for you to stand there out in the open and vulnerable...and they have no trouble running you over.

and there you lay...feeling smaller than ever.


ok..so haha there is food for thought. i hope none of us are ever victims of this cruelity, and those of you who hold the hearts of another..be gentle..its a fragile object.

so take the photographs and still frames in your mind

so this is it.
this is one of the moments where they say for a brief second time stands still, you take a look around and realize that when you come back to reality to take your next step...your surroudings change. its called transition. packing all my memories into a box, looking at all the photos of the amazing people and times that i've had these past years. I always talk about how ready i am to move on and get my college life started....but now that its here...i don't want to let go. friendships will never be the same, your past is the past and thats a hard piece to swollow. I need to accept it as what it was.. there are so many new memories to make..new friendships..new relationships..new opportunities. but i've never been one to accept change easily. Don't let the spontanious actions and shift in choices fool you. Honestly i think this is me writing in fear..so take a good look everyone...this is me at my weakest moment.
I feel like the walls are closing in on me. the pressures on...8 days left to take it all in. Then i will be in over my head. I know i'm strong enough to make it out to breath....Its just this last step thats been so difficult. letting go has never been my strong point though.
but im acting like this is the end...yet its only the beggining. I'm acting like i will be all alone..yet i'm going to be surrounded by a few old and new people...and i know there are those who will be here when i return.
so now that i've talked myself through this throughout the blog.... Im ready to take the leap into the unknown and difficult. this is an invitation long overdue to accept.
roswell has gotten to be too small of a town for me..so i'm ready to make my biggest escape yet.
i guess this is a short entry...but honestly right now school is all that is on my mind...well i guess that and a few other things.

i felt your hand through the darkest night

i decided to take a day off from the world... and i got lost in my past. taking advantage of the one day i decide to stay in..you know what i did? i cleaned...no not like cleaning up..i was cleaning out. I was getting rid of the skeletons in my closet and unpacking my emotional baggage..all of which i plan on not taking to school with me. ridding myself of the past so i could make room for the future. i came across the typical stuff like that shirt that you wanted to wear a long time ago..but now its out of style. or that one earring that was missing for so long that you got rid of the matching one.
but then you hit the jackpot with the love letters from your crush in 6th grade and the journal entry from that one night when my childhood innocense was lost....when i realized that the world wasn't perfect and niether was my family...that one night that to this day will always come back to haunt me.
needless to say, i was a busy person ... and i realized that within just 18 years...i have experienced more in my life than some may experience in their entire lifetime.
a friend stopped by yesterday and we had a good talk...but what i think i got out of it the most was the idea that we all have our own problems. its not a contest on who can feel more sorry for themselves..its not a way to make excuses for your actions...its something that helps to prove to others that despite what we go through..we are stronger. Every issue that has come our way has taught us a lesson, moral, or way to enhance ourselves. we have what i like to call "the quite things that no one else knows". putting on our mask and pretend that everything is ok when behind it we can barely be in the same room with ourself. I'm guilty of it myself...putting on my plastered fake smile around my dad..letting him think that i'm ok...when on the inside i am tearing him apart with my honesty.
perception is my favorite word and i've probably mentioned it more times than i should... but it amazes me how i could be looking at the exact same thing from the exact same spot as someone else..but not see the same vision. and i guess thats why so many people come to me for advice..because i give them a different perspective on whats infront of them.
but fortunately i was taught a lesson by someone recently that i need to keep in mind..and that i should've been told six months ago... stop looking for the answers or else you will miss whats in front of you. By waiting and searching you miss out on the present. and i need to keep that in my perspective.
I feel like this summer has hit its action packed climax..and this is the dull transition period til the conclusion. Well i am prepared to make it end with a bang. and i want to hang out with everyone..so i guess i better get started.

i'm not really pleased with this blog entry at all... but whatever i guess. its just been an interesting week, and i feel like i have been dishing out advice all week to so many people who wanted it, and don't get me wrong i looove doing it.. but now i feel like i need someone to talk to so i can have advice for me and oddly enough....the most random person came to mind.

far away i feel your beating heart.

i love it when i get ready to write a blog, having all my thoughts ready....and instantly my mind is as blank as this page.

what a beautiful smile

i guess i'm on a roll lately when it comes to my blog... guess there's just a lot to think about. so here it goes..


re·pres·sion [ri-presh-uhn] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. the act of repressing; state of being repressed.
2. Psychoanalysis. the rejection from consciousness of painful or disagreeable ideas, memories, feelings, or impulses.

being the pre-psychology major student that i am...it is bound to happen sooner or later that i incorporate what i have learned. well...repression is something i have been informed of earlier in the year. why does it come to mind all of the sudden? probably because of a break down i had with a friend last night that came out of no where. Little did i realize how much my father has an impact on me. I have all of this built up anger and hurt, and i've never come out and said all of what i feel to him..so i repress these thoughts until eventually my concious is aware of the unconcious. These "feelings" take over..and i just can't control them. We all have our own little family secrets, they are the quiet things that no one else knows. We as the children feel as if it is our obligation to fix them.And with this sense of obligation comes frustration and burdens that we take on...that we shouldn't because although we feel the obligation...they are not our problems to fix.
I finally understand what it is that keeps me from feeling appreciated from any guy...why i have such a grudge. Silly to think that a dad can impact your future relationships...but he does. I always felt as if i was never important or good enough to him, and so i have this need to assure myself that i'm good enough for any other guy...or friends. This isn't right at all. I shouldn't let people control how i feel about myself. I'm told over and over that i'm amazing and beautiful..yet it doesn't stick. until i can appreciate myself..it is difficult to realize that there are those who do appreciate me and what i do for them. What i do for people i do as an act of kindness...its not my obligation. But there are those who go out on a limb for me, and they also deserve this appreciation. I guess what has gone on with my dad...is a much bigger problem than i thought. Its a strange feeling to have your unconcious take over.
this is a blog entry mostly for myself...and probably difficult for some to relate too. But completely necessary to be written.

its just text book stuff, its in the ABC's of growing up

so i was kind of just glancing back at my old blog entries...kind of scanning through looking at what i had to say. I've had this blog for almost 2 years. this is my 95th entry. i've always noticed that there has been a change in me...but i never realized how dramatic it was.
Everyday changes you..so just imagine two years. Now i may have NOT matured in decisions i make..but i have matured on how i handle the consequences of all my choices. I am nothing close to who i was in the very first entry. you know that expression "if i had known then what i know now..." well... sure i guess that would prevent a lot of troubles but it also shifts your fate. Every choice, every direction you have taken...every person who has come into your life has directed to where you stand now. We are all human and we all have our regrets..but without the mistakes i have made how would i know what the right decision? i don't have a regret...because i am fine with where i am now. So how can i say that i want to change the past? I guess i'm just rambling.
I was looking at my college stuff and the reality of all the changes to come withen the next month kind of freaked me out. Don't get me wrong, i'm excited for it... just a little intimidated.

there's a lot more i want to write...but i think i will keep it to myself for now. they're just incomplete thoughts.

i tried my best to be guarded, i'm an open book instead

never have i had such difficulty trying to write a blog entry... it has taken me a week. it would certainly be an understatement to say that many things have happened within such a short amount of time. now the difficulty comes from the fact that i know all of the people that read this blog...sometimes its even about them, and sometimes its not. i never come out and say a problem or who i am talking about. frustrating for readers maybe...but for me its a possibility to write what i feel in a slanted perspective.
ah perspective...a word that has an endless amount of views and definitions. its one word no one sees in common. here i am sitting by the beach...some see this as a vacation..when i only saw it as an escape. running from the problems? never... i'm simply just running to an answer. at home i was sufficating..drowning and i really needed to get to the surface for some air! i think i might even be turning off my phone for the rest of the trip.. the down side is that i can go away, but i still have to take myself with me.
with perspective comes closure... something i always desire. well closure stumbled onto my driveway. telling me everything i've wanted to hear for so long. and all i did was listen...i had so much i've wanted to say when i had the opportunity but instead i stood silent. it also hit me that this whole time i was playing victim when i wasn't completely innocent either. i was the girl who kept going back...every single time temptation came my way.
well i've hit perspective and closure...lets try opportunities. in a lifetime we are all hit with endless options and moments where it comes down to a choice. sometimes its as simple as what we are going to wear for that hot date...or as big as what we desire for the future. i believe that it is best to live in the moment...taking each day hour by hour. why plan for the future...but let the future come to you. sure thats a very non-realistic way to live your life because without planning how will we get anywhere? but when it comes down to all the basic choices we must make...you have to take a leap of faith. you must take the initial step without being able to see the rest of the staircase. where you take yourself is only by the decisions you make for yourself. never change who you are or what you want to do with your life for another person. its ok to be selfish every now and then...just don't make it a habit.
ok go ahead and call me the naive girl who believes in fate.. everything does happen for a reason, and every opportunity that comes your way gives you a stepping stone. always make the best of every situation.... i have a few readers that know what its like not to live a life of perfection. those who have the struggle of keeping your family intact..because hell if we don't who will?? each obsticle, each challenge...they all make us stronger.
i must take with me those who care, and leave behind the ones that don't. The people who are there to catch you when you fall...they are the support that keep you strong. within just one week...i really now know all of the people that do take an interest in my happiness. Its a great feeling to know that as i am walking forward....they are right there behind me every step of the way.
this blog doesn't give the answers i have..this blog doesn't explain the situations i'm in... its only what has been building up in my mind as i have been able to finally breath and see. there is certainly more to come, because let's face it... my mind never stops going...and my life only gets more and more complicated...or else it just wouldn't be me!

dancing when the stars go blue

i guess a continuation...i'm a little tired so i don't know how this will turn out.
i have a confession...one of weakness. I am a girl who believes that the past is what has built me to be the stronger person i am today. I believe that my mistakes have taught me to do better next time. I am one who thought that ridding myself of expectations helped me take in the reality without being letdown. I let go of those who have hurt me...and embrace those who are always there for me. I... made the best of every situation thrown at me, with or without support.
my confession?
i have a fear of the future. The past is no mystery and is done. I understand it well. The present is what is...of course i feel comfort there. But the future? well...i am the only one who can control my own future and that scares me. its not that i don't trust myself...but there are so many opportunties and i want to take them all, and i can't. There are so many people that could possibly be in my life...and they all can't. There are so many mistakes i could make...but i wont.
I was all excited for college...and don't get me wrong..i still am. BUT its a change that i have been willing to make for so long that it will be surreal when it happens.

so i guess that was just rambling above.
i guess i'm just going to be in such mixed emotions come fall...tears to leave those behind, and excitement to get my life started. But my biggest concern is who will still be there when i come out the other side? who is it that thinks of my friendship as something worth saving?

i seriously need to stop thinking so much! for once....i want an escape..but i have someone in mind that i would like to take with me..

the broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight

my head is spinning...
i can't catch a moment when i'm not thinking about the past, present or future...so let me go in order.
past: well...i had flashbacks last night from those who i have seemed to have not stayed in touch with lately and it made me realize that although things are not the same as they were...it doesn't mean that it has to be bad. i need to not look back with such hurt or embaressment...but just remember that the past has gotten me to where i am now. (i figured out what blog entry you were talking about...i remember that i wrote that because i was really hurt and angry at you and i ddin't really understand why. probably because recently i had heard some rumors stir that crushed me and made me feel like you weren't the person i thought you were..and i was always waiting for you to prove everyone wrong, and to prove me right that you really are the guy i make you out to be...so i'm sorry for what i wrote, and i don't regret you or anything that happened. i hope you understand.)
present: is great....i have someone with me that knows how to put a smile on my face and keep it there. I'm having a great summer and i'm making amazing memories that i know i will look back at and realize that i was a person who took spontanious action and made the best out of every situation.
future: this is what scares me the most. college is in just a month or so...and i don't want to say goodbye. Its such an exciting thing..after orientation i didn't want to leave. I love my room mate and my suite mates seem awesome! I know that i will fit in just fine..its my perfect school. But i have no idea what i want to do with my life, if i'm going to be able to stay focused, and if i'mgoing to be able to take care of myself. Its going to be a journey that i know will only make me stronger. i guess change doesn't have to be bad....but i wish i could mix the old with the new...and its going to be difficult to let go of the old.
so here i am in the calm before the storm..

so i guess i will step with one foot in front of the other and see where it takes me.
but for now i'm just going to enjoy my present...and hope for the best in my future.

and i will get lost into your eyes

ok...my life calls for major blog writing right now..but i just don't have time!

throw it away, forget yesterday..we'll make the great escape

do you realize that one day can make or break you? one hour could make the difference of life or death...even one minute.
just thought i would give you a little food for thought. makes me think about how i spend my time...am i taking advantage of every opportunity and every moment?
i can't be too picky..we are all allowed down time. i just feel like i have time to spare that i could use to be helping someone else or being productive. but of course this is summer and this is the time to relax and enjoy. I just hope that the next school year i'm pro-active and i make something of myself at my school. I've got potential i never use. but here i have new opportunites...no need to hold back. so i guess i need some motivation..which as a senior in high school we all seriously lack. but i hope i have it next year. my biggest concern is concentration.....as a girl who easily can be distracted, i need to learn to be focused. i guess i'm just rambling...i thought i had a point to this entry but i really dont.
its due time for a famous heather escape...i wonder what it will be this time. i guess i just need a break from everyone. I'm at a place in my life right now where everything is starting to become uknown and out of my normal comfort zone. a time for great change...which i can't complain about because its exciting. i live for these kind of rushes...but at the same time it can become over whelming and i need to take a step back and breathe.
one can only take it a day at a time...but its planning the future that frustrates me. There is so much i want to do...and i want to make sure i do it all.
ok well its like 2 am and i don't feel like rambling off the top of my head anymore.

"i think about the little things that make life great, I wouldn't change a thing about it, this is the best feeling"

being home sick isn't fun during the summer.
not like during school when you get out of class.
I feel like just writing...so this entry make sense or it may not. But it doesn't matter what you think about it because well...its my blog and i feel like rambling.
so this year i have gone in and out of heart breaks, in and out of friends, in and out of family conflict....no stability in anything. Which i guess isn't all that bad considering i have no attention span and i jump from one situation to the next. But summer...the time of spontanious actions and just plain excitement has been my stability. A time of new romances, day adventures, nights that never end, and no responsibility. Its a time to be spent with those you are going to miss the most next year, and those who you may never see again after the summer comes to an end. The tan lines will fade...the phone calls will stop...and the familiar will become a mystery. Its not that this must all come to an end..but i need to remember that besides the pictures of great memories made with the ones i loved the most....the reality of the fall must settle in eventually. Makes me hesitant to go along with the summer romance...knowing in the fall we will go our seperate ways..basically setting myself up for a heartbreak. But then again...why not enjoy it while it lasts and worry about it later. I have a trend of procrastinating the reality and just live in the dream. I'm sure there are loads of blog entries that mention it. But i just know myself all too well. I like the mystery of the future...I am certainly a girl in love with suprises. and my future..will be a suprise in the making. I am spontanious..i change my mind often. I guess i don't like the idea of being in one place for too long.
''Things are not always as they seem"
i read that a few minutes ago...and well of course i just had to elaborate on it. We all have different perceptions...No mind thinks the same. What may appear pleasent from the outside can be ugly on the inside. Sunday will be the day the show is put on. Sitting there at my dads house as the step mother puts on an act of the family named after perfection. Fake hugs and made up stories so that it appears she knows all about my brother and I. So to the jenkins family ( dads sister and brother-in laws) we appear as a happy family when that is far from the truth. So if its so easy to fool them...Makes you think about all the times in your life that you have been fooled..and didn't even know it. I guess it just goes to show you that what you don't know can't hurt you. I guess thats one of many reasons why i tend to take a deeper look into things...because i don't want to be fooled.
I have come to find over the years that i am a person that can see the second layer. That layer that people try to cover.We all have our dirty little secrets..some of us are just better at hiding them. Again we play the fool that thinks no one knows our flaws or mistakes that we feel we have hidden so well..when actually they stand out. I'm not saying i know peoples secrets..i'm saying i can see when someone is not being real with me. Its frustrating because sometimes i wish i could only see into the shallow water so that the depth doesn't bother me, but then again i would loose all my profound meaning. I like that i can have deep conversations with people and i like being able to help others. So i guess seeing the second layer is an enhancement that i should be grateful to have.

Back to You, It always comes around Back to You

so i find myself waking up in the middle night for the most random reason. And not being able to fall back asleep...look what i end up doing...writing in here. I guess its a better way to visualize those thoughts streaming through my mind at the random hour of the night. I was just tossing and turning with all these random thoughts...some make me smile others just want me to break down and cry all over again. I guess i was just haunted by my past all of the sudden and i couldn't sleep.
During the day when i'm occupied, i can't help smiling at how everything is turning out. Its funny how letting a few go helps me move on, and not hold me back anymore. But then suddenly i was remembering the certain few i don't talk to anymore realizing I miss the good times, but slowly regret the bad. One particular that frustrated me all over agian...probably the cause of crying if any.
anyways...
Its week 3 of summer and it has been amazing, every minute of it. So my parents arn't so thrilled with me going out every night, but i just love making all these awesome memories with everyone before i head off to school.
After orientation the other day it got me so pumped for the college life. I've been ready for so long, just drop me off and lets get the good life started. Sure theres that part of me that makes me nervous that my scattered brain self is going to be in charge of my life, but i think i can do it.
So a person mentioned to me that he was questioning where our happiness comes from. Perspective on it is different for everyone. I know personally happiness has come full blast from the 3rd week before graduation to now. I can't help wondering if this is the calm before the storm. Things are going so well it kind of keeps me suspicious. I wish i could enjoy it, but a part of me wonders when it will go downhill. Thats a little too pessimistic for me. I guess i should just realize that this is a great time in my life and i should just enjoy it. I have a person who progressivly is coming into my life that i think for once will truly make me happy...but then what happens when we have to go our seperate ways...its hard for me to get so involved when i know i'm leaving in 2 months. but...i need to..again..just enjoy it all.
So i guess this entry has no profound meaning....i can only write so many entries on how good things are going. I guess there really hasn't been an issue to elaborate on here in any deep meaning. But thats not a bad thing...it just means i've been too distracted.

you are what you feel, and what you are is beautiful

so i never really write in this as much as i used to, probably because im never home and never have a break to write out a profound thought. i couldn't be happier right now, things are looking up for me.
its funny that you never realize that ..that one person who could make you feel so great has just been sitting there right there in front of me for so long and i never saw it. But now i do, and it has come to that point where my reality is better than my dreams. being faced with reality was really hard for me this year, choosing to be oblivious to it all, not making an effort to be in it. I lived in a fantasy world and was always dissapointed when i woke up from the dream. well not anymore, not now. I wish all of this had come to me during the school year, but i guess good things come with patience.
My senior qoute mentioned way back in these blogs is that forever is never too long to wait for something perfect, well although i lost much of my optimism through out the year, i'm slowly gaining it back.
i have a feeling this is going to be an incredible summer. and this is only the beginning!

i'm having trouble breathing, your sitting on my chest..i sure could use the rest

i figured out one of many flaws, and that is i have this need to satisfy others. Even if its something that i don't want, i am always looking out for approval. in the end, i end up regretting it. i work so hard for the satisfaction of another, and then i realize that it wasn't worth it. you would think i would learn because this has been a reaccurring conflict for me over the year. i hope i can figure out how to do what i want, and pay attention to my satisfactions and needs before turning to others. its not selfish, its just looking out for whats best for me....as well as others. this isn't worth ruining my morals over. i'm better than that, i know who i am. so what am i trying to prove?
testing my limits, going over the line, and seeking a challenge. those are good for life, but sometimes you need to realize how far is too far.


so i'm starting from scratch right now before i ruin what dignity i have.no judgments, they are all swiped away. so here i am...take it or leave it.

i need to start thinking before acting..get my head on straight and realize that what actions i have, can have consequences. i don't want to be like this anymore, so now its time to look forward from this point on, my past is in the past and it is not who i am now.

i'm having trouble sleeping, your standing in my bed

"YOU REFLECT BACK ON YOUR RECENT DECISIONS AND ACTIONS, AND CONCLUDE THAT YOU'RE NOT THE PERSON YOU WANTED TO BE. BUT RATHER THAN ACCEPT THAT THOUGHT, YOU CAN DO DIFFERENTLY, FOR THE NEXT TIME YOU REFLECT UPON YOURSELF, THING'S WILL BE DIF. YOU'LL BE PROUD.."

I find it amusing all of the attention that my blog is getting, i get comments on it a lot lately. I never really thought of myself as a profound writer, but others tend to disagree. so the above quote is from a recent audience member who needs a little help on finishing his thoughts.

i agree with what he has to say. you never want to look back and regret your life, i find it that its never too late to make a change for yourself. but also believe that your past is what makes you stronger, without the mistakes and problems you go through, how do you make a good difference for yourself? how do you know whats good without going through the bad? everyones lives are an emotional roller coaster, things can be going great or down hill all together. either way its the experiences that build you, whether they are experiences you wish you never had to deal with, or experiences you wish you could do all over again, without them you are not who you are today. forget your mistakes and learn from them, so that you may go through the journey differently and look back with courage and satisfaction. ( i hope this was a helpful elaboration for you!)

personally for some reason i have been thinking about my one mistake from this school year. a person i put so highly and prioritized, when in the end he was not who i thought he was. a person who i gave him everything, and in return got nothing. why is he such a big deal to me? well...probably because i'm so mad at myself for getting caught up into the attention and because of it i have a great loss to live with.its a shame to have to lose who i thought was a great friend, when in the end he was really just haunting image of the approval i have always desired and now i don't know why. i was blind, when everyone else could see it. but i guess i was a believer in that no one elses opinions matter but my own.i put so much effort into this, thinking i was going to be worth the change, that i was going to be worth the effort. and i love a challenge, so i didn't want to give up. well, now that all these truths are coming out it makes my stomach sink, finally seeing the light i refused to look at.

well here i am NOW...and i couldn't be happier. i have rid myself of the past, and i'm embracing the future. i have great close friends, and positive acquaintances. i'm loaded with graduation money, on my new mac laptop, and am having a blast at all these graduation parties getting closer to those i wish i had gotten to know better earlier this year and making more memories with the good friends that have been here for me the whole time. there is so much to look forward to. I was standing out there in the heat underneath a hot robe on the turf of my high school before graduation thinking of everything i have accomplished at the school and thinking that at that very moment....there was perfection. me...moving on with my life, and having succeeded what i thought was unattainable.

so congratulations class of 2007, we did it.


and i leave you with this: never look back with regret, but always look forward with an open mind of new possibilities. never hold on to what brings you down, but embrace the new opportunities that will make you look back with satisfaction of accomplishment.

you don't know how lovely you are...

love these two girls... (pic from one of the many graduation parties!)

"They say that in order to determine which direction you are going, you must first find out where you have been. Together, we used to watch the jet trails of many people traveling all sorts of directions. There are many daughters, just like there are many planes in the sky. I was fortunate enough to have you."

this note along with a toy plane was left on my car windshield today. my father,yes thats right....my dad, drove out of his way to work to leave me this surprise on my car. needless to say i started crying. he instantly brought me back to that little girl sitting on the front stoop of her lovely home living with a picture perfect family, just watching planes go by with her dad at night.

corny? maybe...

but this little gesture, this gift.. means more to me than any other gift i've ever gotten. This is a gift of interest. this is a gift that finally has shown me...i'm worth the extra effort. this proves to me, its never too late to make a difference. and this is a perfect follow up to my last blog entry shown.



my life right now keeps on giving.

But you move through my soul like a hurricane wind..We've been so lost for so long..I don't know how to get back again

( by the lovely angie 2007 )


( photo by me: spring 2006 )

so, i think that my entries are lacking a little depth. i tried to surface emotions for them to be understood, but really...there is nothing here to understand.
all this talk about graduation, all this talk about beginnings and endings... those kind of thoughts can only go so far. we all have a different perception on graduation, there are those who can't wait to leave high school behind and move on to better things...and then of course there are those who without high school, they do not have the power, popularity, and attention that they have now...no growth.

you must take a step forward to be in a different place. well...this step i'm about to take will be one of my hardest, but necessary. should have done it a long time ago, and in a moment of weakness i may feel tempted to go back, but going back may be the last push to break me. i'm trying to look forward but its hard when its blocking my view. time...all i need is time. there just isn't enough of it.. i've been hiding in the shadows when i should be shining in the light. i'm not going to let it control how i feel about myself... i've changed so much and it would be a shame to not appreciate what i have become just because its not appreciated by another. looking in the mirror, i see through what i have become and still see the old me, the girl who wasn't good enough for so long, the girl who was left behind, the girl with swollen eyes...i need to start looking at who i am now: the person who started to lead the path instead of follow it, the person who grew out of fear, the person who broke free of the fake smile....just me.
my loose ends are not tied. i don't have closure, but this time...i dont need it.i'm tired of trying to prove myself.

this blog entry is not meant to make me sound so conceited, its to help me visualize and realize i am worth the change, the time...the attention. i'm not looking to be wanted, i'm looking to be noticed.
funny how one man scarred me as a little girl, and it has taken me so long to grow out of being that child left behind. its not a sob story, its the truth. but its just proof, that life goes on, and you can get over it, and how much one person can affect your life.
so here i am, waiting for that big gesture that will eventually come my way, the gesture that proves that this was worth all the waiting, and that i was worth the effort. it could be days, months, years. i'll be ready.
i guess this entry is mixed of old and new, family, friends..and of course what else is new...boys.

the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams

{ photos compliments of the lovely angie watson}

looking at these pictures get me so excited for the upcoming year. It also makes me realize that through the rough and the good, i've always got those few who have always...and always will be.. there for me. friendships that are not defined by social status are what mean the most. i'm lucky to have so many around , but i need to realize who where the truth resides.. seeing through all the fake and lies in front of me is not hard to do. You think your hiding it, but your not. being used and abused seemed to be a trend this year, nothing surprising.

There are just some who i know i will stay in contact with, and others that i need to move on from. In the end i'm not sad that the school year must come to a close, i'm happy that it happened. I never talk of regrets, because without the bad its impossible to get to the good. I have made some...ok a lot of mistakes this year, but in the end they are all experiences that have slowly built my growth. I love everyone that i have met and gotten to know better, ok well maybe not everyone...but again, they only add to my experiences.

So no more talk of this being the end...its only the beginning.

will you remember me..

its closing time. the end of another chapter, but really i only see it as a new oppportunity. i always talk about how ready i am to get out of roswell, but now i realize how much everything is going to change and i'm going to be missing a lot of people.
i let myself go this year, met a lot of new people, took many chances.
right now i'm just enjoying life, trying not to look into things too much like i usually do.

this is it.

... these next two weeks are going to be a blur and surreal, but amazing!

i live in a fantasy world, which is why i'm constantly let down by the realistics of my life. it has taken me a long time to understand that. but now is better than never.

2006-2007 school year: undescribable

take whats yours and leave the rest so i survive

i didn't think i was going to post another blog entry for a while...considering the last one just pretty much sums it up.
but i am hopeless. i'm so frustrated with everything, i'm tired of being judged, watched, smothered, ignored...all sides of the spectrum

what is it going to take to make me feel whole again...wtf do you want heather??


UGH!!

sleep will do for now.

&(*)(*&&^*

I'm Blind and Waiting for You

tried to take a step forward: took one too many steps back
tried to move on: only fell into the past
had perfection sitting next to me: only to realize its not what i wanted






i write in my blog to sort through what i'm thinking...and all i'm thinking about is all the decisions i have made this year, and how i'm slowly realizing how i regret them.
there...i said it.


done.

i'm slowly hitting reality




anyways.......
cinco de mayo tonight!!! oh yeaaaa

[edit] I'm drownin in your vanity

forget it...i've made my choice, choice to be

happy.

i've never felt so many emotions at once.

i wish i could just break down into a good cry, let it all out

regret

anger

frustration

confusion

happiness

gratefulness

all of the above

a friend of mine asked me earlier...."heather, are you happy?" i looked at him and thought about how everything is just rustling inside, i'm hiding inside. im looking for perfection that doesn't exist. i'm looking for the easy way out. i'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one hears me.

haha this all sounds so depressing, i'm not depressed i swear. just....frustrated. i want to say what i am feeling but the thing is, i don't know what i want or who i am anymore.

i'm afraid of making a mistake...afraid of rejection, where is the confident heather that i loved so much? really...

there is so many reasons for my mixed emotions: boys, family (evil step mother strikes again), school, friends, and me.

its due time for one of my famous escapes, ok maybe not as extreme as europe, i'd gladly take stars in the middle of the road at 2am again. there is no sense in clearing my head because its clear...now i need to take everything back in piece by piece and start being wise with my choices.

i'm looking for something, but i just don't know what it is.

i'm tired of waiting. i need to make a decision i only hope its the right one.

its you...why is it always you

there are no words.
no profound statements.
no life lesson to explain.
no photo.
no way of talking around the issue
no analogies
....nothing, i am lost



reality has finally set in.

its like sex in a hot tub: exciting yet risky

{photo by me: paris 07}

well...now that i have your attention

lets get down to the thoughts that basically take up my time while i'm not paying attention in any of my classes.

a visual...i'm standing at a crossway: i have 3 choices to make. 2 out of the three could have rewarding endings, but only satisfying journey , where as the one will be a journey i will never forget ( in a positive way) , yet will have an unrewarding ending. ok so i've probably made this more complicated than it should be. I wish i could mix it up. I'm soo frustrated at not being able to really say what is on my mind, and i can't figure out what is holding me back. Rejection or the wording? writing out important thoughts that i wish to say are so much easier, there is no instant feedback, and i can take my time to carefully word everything. the answer is obvious what i should do...but this is me we are talking about. i choose not realize the reality of my actions and I do what may not be completely right for me. i am my own disaster. is it possible to escape yourself and your life just for a little bit? clear my head, register what i'm doing and have done... i can't think straight anymore.

i want more...i deserve more. i know its a lot to ask: but its reality. take it, breath it, see it and realize it exists.

[EDIT] promising forever, knowing that this moment might be all we ever find

{photo by me at the louvre in paris}

where is my sense of satisfaction.

i am in a surreal part of my life right now. a struggle with my wants and needs, who i am, and who i will be. i know i'm hiding in here somewhere.

wtf...why can't i take in reality anymore.

&

i missed my moment, i guess its now forever hold your peace.

your skin and bones, turn into something beautiful

looking in the mirror, i don't see me. for once, i don't recognize my own reflection. each day i surprise myself by the things i say or do. so oblivious to reality, turning the shades down hiding. maybe if i don't think about it, it doesn't exist. i only see what i choose to see. i feel like i have blinders on that make me only look forward instead of taking in the existence around me. look at that picture above...a piece of work from the summer. its called "blind love".. maybe i was only using art to communicate what i didn't have the confidence to actually say in person. i can't remember the last time i picked up a paint brush or any other medium. i can't remember the last time i had the confidence that i have now.

time for a tap into my honesty...

heres that feeling again...that feeling that somethings missing. i know whatever it may be is starring me right in the eyes, but as mentioned before, i am blind to it. i'm done with the temporary satisfaction of feeling whole, its time i wait for something that means more. how girly do i sound now? but seriously, where is my dignity...i'm better than this. realistic part is, i'm the only one who knows what i'm talking about.

i say all this now, but i know when the opportunity comes...i'll just return to my old ways. what is it going to take for me to change? maybe i just don't want to change..or maybe i'm just waiting for the right person to save me from myself...

i wish i was as invisible as you make me feel

jumping to conclusions...its what i do.

saying "no i'm fine really, its ok"...its what i do.

coming up with a rationalization for something i do wrong...its what i do.

always wanting what i can't have...its what i do.

setting myself up for a letdown...its what i do.

i have seemed to find a pattern in my life, paved by my same habits and ways.

making sure everyone is happy before i am...its what i do.

caring too much...its what i do.

going beyond the call of friendships and relationships...its what i do.

trying to be everything a person wants...its what i do.

always being there for the friend that doesn't deserve it...its what i do.

i don't want to have to change myself, for once... i want to stop being told i'm amazing: when only left behind because i'm not amazing enough. just, i guess to be honest, i'm invisible.

short entry and to the point, bc when i looked back at my last one i noticed how i talked myself into circles and i don't even know if it made sense.

at this point...nothing in my life makes perfect sense anyways, all random and full of the unexpected. i'm happy. i really am, i have a lot to look forward to, and this past month...has been a little bumpy, but none the less...amazing. i'm just frustrated and stressed with A LOT of things right now and its making me bitter. and i don't want to be like that. i want everything to fall into place, so just going to take it with one challenge at a time.

you were my dream, my world...but i was blind.

well a new trip means new photography, and of course...a new blog entry.

europe was amazing...

this trip...this escape. people take vacations to rid themselves of reality, when mine only opened my eyes to it. realizing that in just a couple of years i will be making a future for myself. and all i kept thinking is..."what if i settle?" "what if i don't make it?" i have my eyes set on a dream, and i can only hope that i will accomplish it. of course, dreams and priorities change, but i don't want to end up ruining it over something stupid. i want to make the right decisions. within these past couple of months i've made a very large decision that i don't believe i was mature enough to make, because i ended up making the wrong choice. i have a price to pay for it, and no gratification. it will probably be my one true regret.
keep doing the same thing over and over. acting, knowing the consequences, but still doing it anyway because in the moment it seems worth it, when in the end its not. i choose to be blind to the reality..like when a guy isn't right for me, yet i still fall for him anyway, i'm not taking care of myself, looking out for my best interest. fortunately there are those around me who do, but no one can control my life but me, and i need to start doing a better job.

i feel like i was so blind to all the possibilities for me, it kept me thinking about where i am now and where i will be in a couple of years. where will my passion be? who will be in my life? people there have such an appreciation for life, taking in the beauty and looking beyond whats in front of them. one day should not be a rush to get to tomorrow, it should be lived.

i got the answers i've been looking for since that last entry, they were right there staring at me...

it was tiring being here in the middle of everything, i felt like i couldn't breath and i needed a break from my life. when i left...it was like looking at myself from a birds-eye view . going back over everything from the past month and taking in all of the reality. finally soaking in what was said and done... i'm tired of being that girl...i'm ready for something more.

i realize now what i deserve.

back in the real world now. someone recently told me that i can have everything i want for myself...just maybe not all at once. timing is everything. i can see the world, and make a career out of what i love...but only if i work for it. so here it goes heather...what are you going to make of your life?

when your standing at a crossroad there's a choice you have to make.

so this will be my last post before Europe. apparently i will have no computer or phone. i asked for an escape...this certainly will be one.

needless to say that prom turned out great and that's a relief. so much planning, and it went by so fast. so surreal that just in a couple of months we will be graduating. its an out of body experience. I've learned so many things about myself this year, and many life lessons that i never really focused on. each day moves on and i get that much stronger. one thing that has been a lesson from the very beginning of the year: never make someone a priority when they only make you a choice. i read that quote somewhere and i realized how true it is.

how could i possibly complain about anything right now? i just had an amazing weekend topped with me leaving to Spain and France tomorrow... i am a lucky girl. i just have a hard time leaving the country without my closure and i have a feeling i'll never get it bc i just can't ask for it...i'm afraid of the response. i guess this is me..avoiding an issue that i wish i had answers to. i can run, but i can't hide. so i guess just take it one day at a time and keep moving along. i need to listen to my own advice.

here's to life lessons, experiences, broken hearts, mended wounds: hold on through the bad, take in the good.

& we're nothin more than fools and whores with sad highs

augustana lyrics in the title...my latest favorite cd.

its comes down to the basics. we are all looking for the same thing essentially. looking for the answers to our questions, finding that comforting closure that gives us peace to move on. looking to be wanted.

well, i'm definately looking for my closure. feeling like i'm walking on eggshells trying not to do or say the wrong thing and its frustrating. for once...please just this once i dont want to be dissapointed. nothing ever works out the way i had expected, which is why i rid myself of expectations earlier this year. but...i want this.

i keep acting without thinking.

shyyyyt.

actually i just think too much.

so much to look forward to in the next 3 weeks, it will be amazing. and thats not an expectation...thats a fact. i can't wait to escape for a while. its kind of like when i'm in the middle of an art project, and you just have to step back and clear your head before you go back to it, bc most of the time your perception on it will change. well, i love where my life is at right now, but i need to step back and clear my head, and maybe all those answers that i am looking for will appear obvious.

i've never feared the future before...

fall in love and fall apart

[ Autumn Alexandria Jenkins born 3.7.07 at 11:41pm]

what a week...

one thing after another, i don't think my emotions can take much more. my surfaced self is starting to return back to normal.

its hard to enjoy the good, when i can't ignore the bad. life comes and goes...but what if you aren't ready to let go.

this past month i've realized that it takes the motivation for what you want to make the change. one of my fears in life is that i will settle for what is right there in front of me. i only get what i want when i open my eyes and take the step. taking chances, making risks is what will get me where i should be, maybe even further. having this new sense of contentment and being comfortable in my skin allows me the confidence i need to pursue.. sure, i still have insecurities, it would be nonhuman not to.

fate.

i'm putting my trust in it, although i have the control of many decisions, i can't always control the outcome. i am really anticipating not to get attached and be let down when its gone. but, i guess its best to just enjoy it while i can, and worry about that later. of course this is the procrastinator in me talking.

&& i figured out what it is that i want..

now its just the other question needed to be answered: will i be disappointed?

the curiosity never ends.

must i always be waiting on you

[ photo by me from april 06]

what do i want? what is it...that will truly make me happy? will i get disappointed?

i don't have an answer. well...maybe i have an idea of what it is. but do we really know what will make us content until we have it?

so many questions right?

i can't even get my thoughts straight to write a blog entry. i guess i'll wait and write a better one another time.

in the mean time i'll get some of my answers...

i can't let you go.

completion.answers.truth. steadiness.security.

thats what i want right now. i want to feel complete and in order to do so, i need some answers. i hate leaving things up in the air, on the edge of my grasp, so easily lost.

how can you be content...and fearful at the same time. i live in the moment, no expecation on the future, remember.. but not dwell on the past.

life cannot be analysed. you cannot analyse yourself, a situation, a problem, or any other person. by breaking it down into seperate parts, you know the components of what makes it whole, but do you really undestand what the whole is?

here is my abstract analogy for my life right now:

my life is a knot. yes..a knot. everything is tangled up. its all random and sometimes frustrating. you pull one end and you make it worse, or you do something to loosen it up and make it easier. i find that i keep returning back to where i started, and then go again. it keeps me curious, i feel like there is an answer right there in front of me on how i can untangle this knot, but i can't see it. i have to be patient, but seriously...i've been patient for so long.

really...i should learn to be suprised by life instead of always trying to figure out what is going to come at me next. you know....i like suprises, its just hard to give me one.

my only worry now is that i end up empty handed. i'm having an amazing time right now, i only hope it can last.

alright well, if you undestood all this...props to you.

i need some inspiration. i'm lacking passion in my life right now. these blog entries are getting dry and my art is getting weak. i guess i'm just at the surface of emotions right now.

life gets that much harder, it makes you that much stronger

so i haven't written in here for a while, which is actually unusual for me.

i have no emotional issues, boy troubles, or friend drama. i can't complain about my life at the moment. but i believe i need to step back and take a good look at what i'm making of myself.

we all make mistakes, i have had a great share in making them. You learn and move on, don't repeat the past. my problem is..those who feel that they have the right to judge my life. right now, i'm just living. making the best of my youth, because last semester i noticed that i grew up too fast. i matured. i love that about me, but at the same time i want to be able to take in the fact that this is my one and only chance at being an adolescent. my one and only chance to be silly, and have an excuse for it. i want to have fun, but of course, one must do it with class. yes i have changed, but i've only grown into who i truly am. i held back for so long, and now for some reason i feel this sense of liberation of being able to do what i want...and not being influenced by my friends or the fear of being judged for it.

we all make mistakes out of curiosity, the "what ifs". from the outside looking in, its obvious what the wrong choices are. its like watching a movie and your yelling at the girl in the creepy dark house not to open the door, yet she still does it anyway. we do it for the satisfaction of knowing. and its ok to do it, sure i have regrets, but i don't dwell on them. the many experiences i have had just build my identity and make me stronger. its all a part of the journey.

i'm over high school. the preceding judgements and reputations. i can't wait for spring break, taking a little preview of what my last two years of college will be like. i get to spend 5 nights in Barcelona, and 4 nights in Paris. oh its going to be a trip i'll never forget. the best part is how far away it is from "the well".

my camera is FINALLY fixed, so i can put up some new photography soon. i'm sooo excited. if i could just get over being sick, then i can get the energy to go take some photos. plus we got a new lens for close ups. ah i'm pumped. just wait till i get to take photos in Europe.

:]

well just a little update, nothing profound or long. i just felt like writing my thoughts a little bit.